Looking Back

 On October 5, 2024, things were dire - that was the last day at our former house in Hagerstown, a nice place I really missed.  I recall the frantic search for a moving truck, the packing, and the constant chatter of an old Jewish lady named Beth who was "helping" us - she was actually somewhat of a blessing, but had she talked less we would have had more time to pack.  Later that night, Barbara, myself, and a menagerie of animals (including two cats, a rabbit, and three birds) were settling into a rather dingy motel room in Charles Town, WV.  The following day, we were unloading things into a storage unit in nearby Martinsburg.  In the coming weeks, I would be staying in three different motels before finally getting an offer from my current employer and securing a house in downtown Baltimore.  It was a time when I felt uncertain, scared, and utterly exhausted.  It was not a time I wanted to remember all that well in all honesty, as the circumstances were not ideal.  But, in time, I got settled in and life began to rebuild for me. 

So, it is a year later now, and I am about to complete my first year's lease where I am currently living.   I also have started (as of six weeks ago) my second year at the job I secured then, and have a nice salary.  It is a new normal - a new chapter - and while life is not ideal, I see progress.  At the point I am writing this now, I have the possibility of securing a mortgage for a nice mobile home in a good little community conveniently outside of the city, and things are looking promising for that.  Also, tomorrow, I will be taking my first overnight stay outside the house in ages, as the school I work for is sending a couple of us on a retreat to Connecticut for a couple of days.  I am kind of looking forward to that, as I have never been in that part of the country before, so I have a bit of excitement about it.  A lot has happened in the past year too, in that now I have the original two cats, but also obtained a third, and I had to rehome the rabbit and the birds as it was not practical to keep them here in all honesty.  At the end of this month also, we are retrieving what is left in the storage unit in Martinsburg, and we can finally have the rest of our things back here with us.  Life is much different than it used to be, as I am essentially starting over, but the rebuilding has been smooth and I anticipate good things for the future.  I am only praying I never have to go through anything like last year - my goodness!  I am getting a little too old for that now and want to settle and stay somewhere.  There is much more to say about that, but we'll get to that some other time. 

In reading more of Anthony Esolen's book on nostalgia, I was thinking about living here.  As I have noted before, I have always had a sort of connection with Baltimore, but living in the dead center of this city for the past year gave me a shocking realization that I feel like I landed in a foreign country.   The inner city of Baltimore is not anything like the rest of the state of Maryland, and it is even radically different from the suburban communities that lie outside the city.  I was watching an episode of Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares from several years ago that featured a local restaurant here called Cafe Hon.  That little establishment embodied old Baltimore perfectly - I connected with that, as that is the Baltimore I remembered as a kid.  Oddly, that little restaurant (which has unfortunately closed) is located very close to where I am at now - it is located on the other side of JHU, a mere blocks from our parish church. Watching that episode of Ramsay's show brought back some fond memories - the people, the food, and the ambiance I recalled when I was a kid attending kindergarten at Steuart Hill Elementary over on Gilmor Street.  I haven't saw much of that version of Baltimore since moving back here, as now the demographic seems to encompass three groups - the majority Black population of the city (which, if I recall the stats, Baltimore is the second city after Atlanta to have a majority Black population), the growing Hispanic community, and pockets of young Millennial White liberals who have values radically different from mine.  I don't relate much to any of those three groups, although I know many people in at least the first two as they make up the majority of the students I teach now.  I think back to the Baltimore of 50-60 years ago, when areas like Irvington and Pigtown had large populations of Appalachian folks from West Virginia and western Maryland,  and areas like Little Italy, Fells Point, and Greektown were largely ethnic enclaves of Italians, Poles, and Greeks respectively. Northwest Baltimore - above the JHU campus and just prior to entering the community of Reisterstown - was also at one time the center of a vibrant Jewish community too.  Black people were of course in Baltimore then too, but for the most part they were also a cultural component of the city in a positive way.  Many of the older residents of the city have now moved elsewhere, many to the suburbs in communities like Dundalk, Essex, Towson, Middle River, and White Marsh, and the once-vibrant communities  where many of them once lived are now largely abandoned and falling apart - the rows of abandoned rowhouses are somewhat depressing to look at in all honesty, and they should really be torn down because they attract both vermin like rats as well as crackheads in the community. Many of my own cousins live in a fairly close radius to me, and even they (with many of the 3rd and 4th generations being born and raised here) have moved on and live in the outer suburbs of the city. It is definitely a changed world from 50 years ago when I was last here as a 5-year-old kindergartner.  Change is inevitable though, and it will happen whether we want it to or not, but it can be a lot to process when you have been away from a place for a while and then come back to it. Then, I read what Anthony Esolen writes in his book on page 67, and this is profound - the question is what to do now, and why, and there is such a thing called home - now it is up to us to take a step in its direction.  Reading that, I have thoughts, many thoughts, and let me just expound on that a bit.

The house I live in now and share with three other people is not my home - it is a way-station for finding my home.  This place here is a 102-year-old structure that requires a lot of renovation that I don't think the property owner has a full scope of.  The basement is so low that I get claustrophobic going down there, there is an apparent short in the household circuitry, and the accident in July has left a plywood-covered hole in the front where the basement is that the owner is taking his sweet time to repair.  The house is old, drafty, in need of new flooring, and the back steps are an accident waiting to happen.  But, it is where I have to be at this point.  The home that is mine is contained within my own spirit, and its essence is in the manner I have chosen to manage and live in the small living space I have, and it isn't always easy to manage it either.  And, being my home is with me, it can leave this place with me in a quick packing up and transporting to a new living space somewhere.  Once I pack up and leave this living space, it will no longer contain my home because home goes with me.  And, God willing, in the next few months that will be happening too as currently I am in the process of possibly purchasing something of my own.  If that succeeds, I will be able to establish a better place to contain my home for a long time, and it also means roots again.  That possibility both excites and frightens me a little, as it also means I have to take on a few more responsibilities too - owning a house is different from merely renting/leasing, as now the house is yours and it has maintenance and upkeep.  However, that too is going to be manageable as well, as I am in a place now where I can take on that challenge.  And, in time I will have the possibility of a new family being with me too, and that will be the beginning of a good life for me as I approach my 60s in a few years.  As Esolen notes though, it means I need to take steps in the direction of home, and although it is contained in a physical place, the home I think he is talking about as well is the essence of oneself that manifests in their routine of living.  I want that, and it's my goal now to make sure I can make that happen.  This now leads into something else I have been reading and reflecting upon recently, as there is a theological dimension to this as well.

I mentioned about a remarkable young apologist who I have been watching on YouTube by the name of Melissa Dougherty.  Earlier this year, Melissa published a book called Happy Lies, and I received that earlier this week.  Unlike some apologetics literature that tends to actually be more polemical than apologetic in nature, Melissa impresses me in that she has a balanced look at things, and I can appreciate that.  One of the things she addresses is how a certain mentality has invaded Christian circles in recent years that has nothing Biblical or traditional about it, and what she is talking about is New Thought.  One thing Melissa does is she notes that New Thought is not the same as New Age, although they are easily confused due to a lot of overlap between them.  New Thought, which has its roots in the mid-19th century, was also called the "mind science movement" in that certain things about it were taught which incorporated Christian language but were in reality a sort of self-deification - you have the same creative power as God, in other words, which means you are a "little god" and can use the power of words (called the Law of Attraction) to create your own reality.  It later came into play as the basis for a lot of self-help literature as well as some bizarre adaptations to Christianity, and while Melissa rightly attributes this movement to rising out of transcendentalism in the mid-1800s, I want to take it a step further.  The real root of New Thought, in my studies of it, can be traced back to Enlightenment rationalism - after all, was it not Descartes who said "I think therefore I am?"  New Thought, to me, is both a reaction against and an adaption of Enlightenment philosophy, and I would go further to say that at its roots New Thought is the ultimate Cartesian expression.  I don't think Melissa has made that connection in her writing or videos with Descartes, but I think she might want to explore that and I plan on writing her and sharing the idea with her.  So, Cartesian philosophy either directly or indirectly impacted New Thought, and because of that the latter is a product of the Enlightenment then. 

I said all that to preface my point regarding Esolen's point about taking a step toward home - this is not a matter of Law of Attraction or "blabbing and grabbing," but rather it is accepting what is in one's own heart, and then taking the steps to make it happen.  Positive thought - and I am thankful that Melissa also makes this point - is not the issue with New Thought.  There is a certain benefit in having a positive attitude, but it should be a motivator instead of baseless affirmation, and that is where the difference is.  One can easily make up their mind to succeed, and if they take the risks and invest the work into it, it can happen.  It won't be an easy way to go in many cases, because along the way mistakes happen and we get proverbial scraped knees and black eyes, but we don't let that deter us from the objective.  We work toward that, and in doing so here is where our faith comes in.  We pray for God to help keep us on track, and if it is God's will for us to achieve that objective, and if we are willing to invest ourselves into it, God will help us get there.  But, we cannot create reality out of thin air based on "positive confessions" we utter because we are too greedy, too impatient, or too lazy to invest in the effort entailed to get from Point A to Point B.  And, to expound on Melissa's points, that is where things such as New Thought fail miserably - they set unreal expectations, and try to find an easy way out, when in most cases getting between the points is not going to be easy.  Like a trail that needs to be blazed, it requires clearing brambles and brush, contending with snakes, and other things, and your back will get sore, you will get tired at times, but if you push on the reward will be in sight.  That is why the one petition in the Ignatian Prayer of Generosity is this "Teach me to labor and not seek rest."  We can rest when we finish the race, but not before - we have an objective to meet, and we need to be serious enough to give and not count the cost in that case.  Also, we cannot be afraid to ask help when we need that extra boost to push onward - ultimate help comes from God, but his way of providing it may be setting people in our paths who can take up the axe and help us chop down a few trees in the path.  We cannot simply "speak into existence" the end result, but we need to resolve ourselves to forge ahead on the path God places us to get to that result.  Again, it won't be easy, but in the end it will be worth it.  St. Ignatius of Loyola, the founder of the Jesuit order, understood that when he made that prayer.  Other great saints and pillars of faith have also understood that too.  And Scripture affirms this too - James tells us that faith without works is dead.  Is that faith in relation to our salvation?  Not necessarily, but rather it is for living a life that seeks to glorify God, even in the mundane daily tasks that can at times get tedious for us.  It ultimately cultivates our fruit, and the more we invest into it, the sweeter and more fulfilling the fruit will be.  This is true on a practical as well as a spiritual scale. 

I think that is a reason why so much of modern American Evangelicalism has in essence become sterile and disconnected for me personally.  And it is also why I don't really pay attention to self-help garbage or marketing schemes - they are ultimately unrealistic in that they promise much but fail to deliver.  They cannot deliver, in all honesty.  And that is the failure of the whole "Word of Faith" shtick in modern Pentecostal and Charismatic circles too.  I recall how much this was tied to marketing schemes - many WOF proponents, as Melissa has pointed out in her videos, also promote these get-rich-quick schemes called multi-level marketing, or MLMs.   Years ago, in the abusive Pentecostal church I was part of, the pastor's wife tried to push one of these things at us, and it was called Melaleuca.  I don't even know if that crap is even still around, but it was the most ridiculous thing ever.   I never bought into it, and didn't want to - I had neither the time nor the resources to invest in such things, and looking at the literature actually depressed me in all honesty.  But, the pastor's wife - a fat woman in her mid-50s then who was promoting "nutritional spirituality" (looking at her 350-pound frame, you can see how well that worked!) - insisted that it was the Holy Spirit's mandate to sell that garbage, and anyone who questioned it must have "demons."  Now, this particular Pentecostal church was not technically part of the WOF, but was part of another bizarre offshoot of Pentecostalism at the time called the Discipleship/Shepherding movement.  That movement sought to give pastors more authority than they actually have, and if you questioned them, then you were guilty of questioning God himself - a Fundamentalist variant of the same thing was evident in the Bill Gothard Seminars too.  It was an attempt to micromanage the lives of church members, and in extreme cases of Discipleship/Shepherding groups, a person couldn't even use the bathroom without the pastor's blessing.  Some of this does overlap with WOF too, but it is a potent enough movement of its own without the WOF influence.  So, MLM schemes were a convenient tool to control church members, in particular those who were deemed to be in jobs "unworthy" of them (that is a line of BS these pastors use as well, and it can have disastrous economic consequences on a family that falls for it).  It puts me somewhat in mind also of an episode of Designing Women years ago when Charlene's character got involved in an MLM called Mama June's Products.  The scheme was so pervasive that it even got beyond the original vision of the founder and everyone had to dress alike, sell quotas every month, and they had a lingo all their own like a cult.  Julia Sugarbaker started calling them  "the Junies" and fortunately the founder of the scheme had more common sense and she released Charlene from it without any hard feelings.  How many groups of "Junies" though are creating cults-within-cults in hyper-charismatic churches??  That number, if properly researched, may be staggering.  There are other dimensions of this that I will refer to Melissa Dougherty's videos, as she tackles that stuff more in detail, but sufficive to say this stuff can do more harm than good.  Now that I chased all those rabbit trails, let's get back to the original discussion about where "home" really is for me.

Your home is a reflection of your personality, so wherever you go your home travels with you.  While there are physical locations we can call, in our Appalachian vernacular, "homeplaces," the heart of the home is in the heart of the one for whom it holds meaning.  And, it is not necessarily about just stuff either - stuff is good, and it helps express things, but it is also replaceable.  But, "sense of place" goes with all of us, and we carry it with us into even the most oppositional of environments.  That is something I have learned in the past year, and thankfully too I have been able to express that as well in writing.  The connection here though with all the discussion leading up to it is that knowing home in your heart is not some New Thought-based metaphysical mumbo-jumbo, but is one's life experiences and memories that they themselves uniquely treasure.  There is nothing wrong with that, and many great pieces of literature, compositions of music, and works of art have been produced by that inspiration.  

Thank you for allowing me to share.  I may or may not write again later in the week, as I will be out of town on retreat for a school function this week, but always feel free to visit and you are always welcome.  

Sense of Place

 I am starting to read through Anthony Esolen's other book, Nostalgia: Going Home in a Homeless World (Washington, DC:  Regnery Gateway, 2018).  Again, while much of Esolen's work isn't exactly what I thought it would be, there are still insights he has that dovetail my own experience, and I wanted to talk about one of those today.  This is an important one, because there are dimensions to this that often cannot be articulated as well as they should be.  The concept I am talking about is a distinctive Appalachian trait called "sense of place," and it is to a degree one reason why it is of interest as it also affects me personally.  Esolen devotes a whole chapter in his book to this, with the chapter title being "Man in Place."  There are many aspects to this, so I will dive right into it. 

If you were to visit my hometown of Hendricks, WV, and were new in the area looking for something specific, it would be customary to stop and ask directions.  Many of the old-timers I grew up around there (the majority now gone) would have a unique way of giving directions too - it is landmark-based direction, as street signs and words like "north," "south," "left," and "right" would matter little to people there.  If you grew up in the area, you just know where something is.  The concept of "sense of place" has a huge investment in this thinking, as the landmarks are sort of an expression of the pride of the locals in where they come from.  I have to a degree inherited that same mindset, as even now I give directions based on landmarks, even when it is a place I am not from but have lived there a while.  For instance, if I am in Baltimore, and wanted to give directions to a restaurant, I would use directional words but also punctuate them with landmark references, such as "turn right at the coffeehouse on the corner of East and Eastern."  It is wired into who I am as a person.  It is at this point now we move onto another aspect of the "sense of place," that being the feeling a place invokes. 

Near my hometown in Tucker County, WV, we have several remnants of old mining, railroad, and lumber communities called "ghost towns."  They have names like Bayard, Kempton, Gormania, Douglas, etc.  Even though many of these places are now long-abandoned, and all you may see is woods or an occasional ruin of a chimney, that place is still known by that name regardless. As a kid, I loved going through those old places, as it evoked a sort of mystery for me.  Even today, I have fond memories of those old places, which don't look like much to most other people.  It is because I feel a connection to those places though, as I have deep roots there.  Dr. Esolen explains this on page 30 of his book when he says "Let me not suggest then, that man loves his place because it would be a nice postcard. He loves it because it is in him, and he is in it; it bears the impress of his fingers, and it touches the nerves of his soul.  The place that has once been seen and worked and loved by man is no longer a mere intersection of longitude and latitude."  I say to that - exactly!  I think more than anything Dr. Esolen captures the essence of  "sense of place" in that description, and as he goes on, he notes on the next page that one cannot belong in any place in quite the same way.  Granted, many of us have lived many places - I personally have lived in 5 states, and while each contributed to a chapter that is my life story, it is not the same as the place you have roots.  Now, that is not to say that other places don't evoke similar memories though, especially when related to childhood.  For me, just as an example, I have a "sense of place" over an entire region that stretches from roughly Morgantown, WV, to Baltimore, and my childhood played out over that entire region.  I have recently moved back to Baltimore, but I lived here before - I went to kindergarten less than a couple of miles from where I am sitting, and my folks lived in that neighborhood of the city for generations, so I have a history here.  While that history does not stretch to the east side of the city, which is where I live and work now, Baltimore still plays a role in my early history.  And, that old neighborhood over on the west side of town where I spent about two years of my life still evokes memories of things.  And, it creates a longing in my soul as well - the Baltimore of today is by no means the same as the Baltimore of 50 years ago, as so much has changed over time (and not for the better, I may add).  That being said though, there are some things that still evoke the old memories here - one place is a pizzeria over on Eastern Avenue called Matthew's.  Their pizzas are very unique, in that they evoke that taste of pizza I recall from when I was 5 years old.  Just a stimulus like that - a pizza - can serve as a reminder of our past.  I had another such episode the other day when we visited Solomon's Island, about an hour south of here.  We ate at a good seafood place, and I had ordered fried oysters.  As I was eating those though, I tasted something that was familiar to me, and it was a pleasant experience.  Our senses at times do that to us too, and it is quite the thing when it happens. Now that I have shared a little of that, let me now address a negative that Esolen addresses as well. 

On page 41 of the same chapter, Dr. Esolen notes that those who hold a more leftist/progressive mentality are of the belief that if something grows old, worn, or discarded, it should be forgotten.  This explains why they are so iconoclastic in society recently and are trying to recreate the society in their own image.  As Esolen notes later in the chapter on page 43, the secularist focuses on the future without having a foundation in the past, as the future cannot lay a foundation because it hasn't happened yet.  This is where utopian fantasy then becomes dystopian reality, and this can be disastrous as we have seen in recent history.  While we may not be able to recreate the exact aspects of the past - the past is the past too, and much happens over time obviously - we can preserve the best of our past, and it will shape the future for us in many ways.  But, we also must not forget the worst aspects of the past either - simply erasing those could cause problems of a different sort, as it is a denial of reality and will also create an atmosphere of dishonesty.  Preserving the good and learning from the bad is what helps create healthy memory, and bad things often happen for a reason.  The reason could be our own failures at something.  It could also be a circumstance we were thrown into that we didn't cause or expect.  And, despite a bad experience, a good thing could come from it.  Take the example of a manure-filled plot of ground.  It smells horrible, it is grossly unpleasant, and it is not something you want to be around a lot.  But, from that nasty experience can grow beautiful roses or succulent fruit, and it is the bad that makes the good possible in that regard.  It is a bit simplistic maybe, but there is also a spiritual truth there too - often, we have to die to self in order to grow, just like a seed planted in the earth.  It can be unpleasant, painful, and it is not something we want to recall, but we grow as a result.  Adversity can be a huge motivator for success, as it does build up the character and it also anticipates that we must overcome challenges to get to where we need to be.  It is called life, and it is a reminder that we live in a fallen world, but that we can also use that fallen world as fodder to grow too.  This is even true with places which shape our past as well - some places may be painful for us to revisit, but they remind us that if we had not had that bad experience, we may not be where we are today.  After all, a crucifixion of our Lord later led to his Resurrection, but the fruit that bore did something for all of us who understand what happened - it gave us salvation and eternal life.  Calvary is a place, and in sacramental life, we are endowed with a supernatural grace that allows us to revisit that sorrowful place in the partaking of the sacrament (in this case the Eucharist) and it in that regard is a time travel of sorts.  It is a mystery of faith we cannot explain in words, and nor should we unless we end up getting into a bog of potential heresy, but we know what it does for us.  The spot where Christ died for us is where we too are resurrected and given a new life, and a bad place becomes something beautiful because of the love that it represents for us.  We too can turn our bad places in life into a beautiful testimony of restoration, because supernatural grace makes that possible for us.  And, thank God for that.  

As I wrap up these reflections on Esolen's writing as well as my own ideas about "sense of place,"  it presents a challenge.  Sometimes we have to go back, to revisit, and to reflect upon certain memories, and given we are a creature that responds to physical symbolism, a place or an event can be what motivates us to do just that.  This is true both on the individual level, but also for humanity in general - we accept Christ's ultimate gift of himself for us by revisiting the event where he gave himself for our sins, and we then humbly and joyfully receive that grace in order for us to grow in our faith.  Hopefully that will be an encouragement to someone, so thanks for joining me, and will see you next visit. 

Sorting Through the Chaff

 Over the past week, I have been listening to an amazing young lady named Melissa Dougherty.  She is an apologist, and one area she is researching extensively is the whole idea of what is called New Thought influences in Christianity.  She authored a book, Happy Lies, that I will be receiving this week as it is on order.  Looking at this material made me think, and there are a couple of observations about Melissa that I wanted to note. 

The one thing that strikes me about her video content is that she is very charitable - she is not going into this stuff with guns a-blazing, and she shows a remarkable sensitivity to people who are ensnared in some of the things she talks about.  This is a good thing as far as apologetics goes, because we should never view people who are into cultic or heretical beliefs as necessarily "the enemy," but rather we should see them as human beings who are victims of something they are not even aware of, and therefore it takes a level of compassion to reach out to them.  Melissa does that well, and I was very impressed with her. 

Another thing I noted about Melissa's work is that she really does her homework.  She doesn't do casual readings of things and then comment on them - rather, she explores all the nooks and crannies of the topic and presents an exhaustive overview of it.  That shows integrity as well, as Melissa does her due diligence in trying to give a comprehensive panorama of the topic, and I can appreciate that.  She is working on a Master's degree at this point, but with that type of research, she will honestly take to a dissertation like a duck to water.  

The one thing that is fascinating about Melissa's work is that she makes an important distinction between New Age and New Thought.  This is actually something that is important, because one is essentially a Christian heresy, while the other is sort of a heresy of Eastern religious traditions - even Hindus don't have a lot to do with New Agers, in all honesty.  While, as Melissa points out, there is some overlap between them, they are still distinct.  And, New Thought is a lot more insidious.  You can look at her videos on YouTube for more on that, because I don't want to steal her proverbial thunder, but I had an experience dealing with a New Thought group and I wanted to talk about it. 

Back when we lived in Florida, Barbara worked at her company with a young lady named Suzie.  Suzie was a sweet girl, but she was a bit, well, out there.  In 2010, she got married to her longtime fiance, and we were invited to the wedding.  The wedding was held at what is called a Unity church in Dunedin, FL, and Unity represents what is probably the largest and most visible New Thought group on the planet.  Upon arriving at this place, the first thing we noticed were a group of Buddhist monks milling about next door - I already knew something about Unity, and I knew it was a heretical group, but to be honest I was about to get a first-hand look at how bizarre it was.  The inside of the "sanctuary" was almost completely bare, except for a few rows of uncomfortable seats around about.  And, I got this weird spiritual vibe from the place - it was a bit creepy.  Then there was the minister, a woman named "Pastor Leddie."  Oh my goodness - she was a rare one!  She was acting something like a hippie flower child, and even looked like one, and when she officiated our friend's ceremony the words she spoke were like "universal harmony," "the brotherhood of the Christ spirit," and all sorts of wacky stuff.  Being a fairly traditional Catholic who was raised in a fairly conservative Pentecostal tradition, this Unity stuff was just out there for me.  But as a gentleman, I was respectful although on the way home Barbara and I were like "what in hell just happened??"  This "Pastor Leddie" in particular got a new nickname from me - Reverend Rainbow, because she sounded like a cross between Leo from That 70s Show and a big purple dinosaur named Barney.  It was an unforgettable experience for sure, and also perhaps one of the craziest weddings I have ever been to.  I was so thankful for Mass that Sunday, and hearing sound teaching again - I needed a palate cleansing for my soul in all honesty.

From my experience, let me just share a few things of my own.  If you ever have the experience of visiting a group like that, there are two things to remember.  First, pray up before you go, because you are entering the proverbial "belly of the beast," and if you are not prepared for it, the deception can be subtle but deadly.  Secondly, don't go into a place like that thinking you have the call of an evangelist to "straighten them out."  You are in their territory, and although it may not be that pleasant for you, try to act civil.  If you can do that, then you have the true message of Mark 16 - you are compelled to drink the deadly thing, but it shall not harm you.  Supernatural grace is what does that, so remember that also.  

Unity, in particular, can be quite insidious with its message, as even people in orthodox Christian groups can get sucked in by its publications such as The Daily Word.  I recall this old Italian lady I knew at a parish we attended, and she thought that The Daily Word was gospel truth.  And, despite the fact some of us told her to stay away from that, she got defensive about it.  Finally, you just have to surrender people like that to God, because if they are not ready to hear the truth, they will not be receptive to it.  It always amazes me at how many Catholics are duped by not only stuff like this, but also preachers like Joel Osteen.  I had an acquaintance I know who claimed to be a "traditional Catholic" but he idolized Joel Osteen - when I attempted to tell him that Joel Osteen was heretical, he blocked me on social media.  Again, if they refuse to hear, give them to God.  As Melissa has pointed out in many of her videos, there are some of these esoteric New Thought things that have crept into Christian churches, and often you don't know it's there until an astute person who can discern them points them out.  That is why the work that Melissa and others do is so vital, and I would love to see some good Catholic apologists rise up who would tackle those issues, as New Thought garbage is totally opposed to Catholic teaching and no faithful Catholic should have anything to do with it. 

Given I have a class to teach shortly, that is my word of the day.  Thanks again for joining me, and will see you next time. 

Boyhood and Youth - Some Reflections

 I am currently reading through Anthony Esolen's book Defending Boyhood (Charlotte, NC: TAN Books, 2019).  The whole idea of Esolen's work is to talk about facets of boyhood which have been lost regarding the proper development of manhood, although I initially thought it would be a sort of prompt for reflection regarding boyhood and masculinity.  In a way however, I guess it is, but it also establishes some principles.   I wanted to dissect some of this initially and then add my own reflections to the observations I make.  

I note first on page 14 of Esolen's book, where he talks about how a boy looks toward a certain type of man to grant liberty of intellectual and spiritual "combat," (I am not quite sure why the author uses this word, but we'll go with it) and about discourse regarding higher things.  There is a rubric, Esolen notes, as well as the wonder of the search into mysteries.  Looking on page 15, I understand what he is saying about "combat" now - it has to do with questioning and dissection of rules about things, or in another way of putting it, refining the rubric.  This "combat" though is not an end unto itself, as that would actually be the truth, a truth free of subjective feelings, social comfort, and convenience for convenience's sake.  Those factors often lead to an acceptance of a half-truth, and two half-truths, as Esolen notes, can produce a whole lie.  It therefore means as we see on page 16 that combatting the rule is the way of seeking the truth that inspired the rule.  It does not mean the rule is thrown out, but rather clarification happens.  Seeing it that way, there are many things to unpack here.

Truth is unchanging, objective, and is ultimately rooted in divine law - that is factual whether dealing with a Church teaching or just basic safety (not touching a hot stove, for instance).  Questioning or challenging a rule in the right spirit is not denying the truth behind the rule, but rather seeking where the motivation for it comes from.  In watching several of these "HOA Karen" videos on YouTube in recent weeks, we see how a supposedly good concept - a community organization which is supposed to promote safety and order in a community - can be twisted and corrupted into a system where the lives of rightful homeowners are micromanaged and manipulated to control rather than preserved, and an astute homeowner will see the absurdity in this and challenge it.  The idea of "combat" that Esolen notes in regard to rules has to do with two important components.  First is actually knowing the rule.  As Sun Tzu's book on warfare notes, you have to get inside an opponent's head in order to understand how to prevail against them.  One aspect of this intellectual "combat" is knowing a rule first before you decide to mount an offensive against it.  Second, strategy is key.  Once you know the rule, then you have to strategize how to combat the rule without compromising its original spirit.  In other words, if we mount a half-cocked offense against something, it will not go well for us.  And, this is where another concept comes into play.

The term "malicious compliance" is often employed with HOA disputes, and it is a way for a homeowner to show how absurd an interpretation of a certain rule is.  It's actually a good tactic, in that one is using the very weapon directed against them as an offensive advantage.  When it comes to boyhood and masculine mentorship, this can be a key bit of wisdom we can use.  Jesus Himself employed it in the parables in a way that is a radical reinterpretation of what the parable is often interpreted as saying.  When Jesus says "love your enemies" for instance, he is not meaning that you go up and give the person who just wronged you a humongous bear hug and tell them you love them - that will get you smacked down pretty fast in all honesty.  What it means is a little tough love in some cases, meaning that you set boundaries, and you communicate to your enemy in a way that respects their personhood that they crossed a line.  You are not tolerating the wrong they committed, but rather handling it strategically.  And, it is done in the proper spirit and not as a vindictive action.  Looking at it from that perspective, it makes more sense than the false altruism that many well-meaning but misguided Christians tend to impose upon themselves when dealing with an adversarial situation.  Boys need to be taught that at a young age, and of course they will make mistakes and fall short - we are fallen humanity after all, and screwups are a part of the learning and growth process.  The idea of "combat" then means fighting smarter, not harder.  

So, how did that impact me as a boy growing up?  I was one of those kids that defied a lot of things and I had my own set of quirks.  While I was considered to be a good student in school and overall I never was much of a disciplinary challenge to my single mother, I was a kid who marched to his own drummer in a proverbial sense.  And, it created a little friction with my dad too.  This is where the "combat" of rules that Dr. Esolen talks about comes into play.  Boys should be mentored by their fathers in all honesty, but not every father is up to the challenge.  Part of mentoring a son is encouraging them to refine the person they already are, and not forcing them into some preconceived mold the father has.  My dad unfortunately failed miserably at that, and he and I never had the best relationship because what so many others saw as strengths, my dad acted like he was ashamed of them.  Also, not having him in my life as much as I should have didn't help either, as it created further dissonance between us.  I believe my dad loved me though, and I did love him, but our personalities clashed and we couldn't stand a lot about each other either.  However, "being about your father's business" does not necessarily apply to biological parents - we can have other mentors who are father figures to us, and thankfully I had a few of those.  It doesn't mean that when we butt heads with our biological fathers that we ignore everything, as they too can have valuable insight for us, and I actually learned much from my own father too.  For instance, I hated eating cooked vegetables when I was growing up, as often the texture of them was weird.  The problem wasn't the veggies themselves, but the way many people cooked them - they literally boiled the hell out of them until they became a yellow/green mush, and they were just nasty to eat. My dad showed me something though that revolutionized that - he knew how to steam things like broccoli and cauliflower properly so that they were actually appetizing to eat, and I owe him a lot of thanks for that.  My dad also taught me about fishing, and I learned some good life skills from him such as how to wash my own laundry, and that made me more self-sufficient.  I also found out that I inadvertently picked up a few traits from my dad that have served me well over the years - for instance, having multiple copies of certain documents, etc.  When I began sorting through a lot of my dad's stuff after he passed, I saw patterns I myself have in what he kept, and I realized I carried more of my father's attributes than I thought.  It was an epiphany to me, and it made me appreciate my own father more.  He and I disagreed on a lot, but in the end, he also made his own valuable contributions to my development from boyhood to manhood. 

I am also looking later into this same chapter, and came across page 29.  This talks about how boys form relationships as they develop into men, and there are two things Esolen notes that are of interest.

One, what a boy seeks from other boys and men is generally public in nature.  This entails things that either directly resonate with their masculinity, or in a more professional and fraternal sense.  That is why we as Catholic men seek out organizations like the Knights of Columbus (of which I am a 4th-degree Knight myself) and also we tend to be more into organizing politically and socially.  This happens in boyhood as well, as I recall my own boyhood adventures - as the intellectual among a group of other boys in my neighborhood for example, I was the one always trying to create my own re-creations of the explorers I read about in my history books, and I would elaborately construct forts and other structures as part of my "domain."  One of those I recall when I was about 10 years old was actually creating an island in the middle of Grassy Lick Run in the town of Kirby where I lived, and it was an interesting experiment now that I look back on that.  If you saw Grassy Lick Run then, it wasn't much - at its deepest it was maybe 3 1/2 feet, and that was underneath the bridge that crossed it going up Rock Oak Road.  So, in about 8 inches of water that I waded out into just beside the bridge, I hauled large river rocks, piled them, and then scooped dirt from the bank to pile on top of them - I ironically go this idea from reading about the Aztec chimanpas, and I wanted to build my own.  After scooping all that dirt onto the rocks, I then "forested" my island with some weeds that had some nice flowers on them, and that little makeshift island (it was about 5 feet in circumference at most) was a kingdom for me, or rather a "colony" of the little kingdom of forts and other things I had all around the community.  I recruited some local kids as allies to help me do all this, and looking back on it the experiment was pretty good.  Also, at a year or two older, I actually had a whole political movement planned out as well that I wanted to start, and I remember writing out a whole manifesto about it - I kind of wished I had kept that, because it would have been interesting to look back on now.  I saw myself then as a visionary, a "leader of men," and I would recruit younger boys to my cause and make them my minions, or in some cases a de facto junta over my various forts and the island I constructed in the middle of Grassy Lick Creek.  That activity for me fulfilled a social function that was crucial to my development as a young boy.  And, of course, I needed other boys to make it happen, so I recruited and was often successful.  

Secondly, what a man seeks from the opposite sex is often private and not public, as Esolen points out.  The affinity of a boy for a girl is a lot more specified, and even from an early age when no sexual desire is evident a boy wants to impress the girl he has an interest in.  I recall a very quirky way I did that back when I was 11.  I had always wanted a chemistry set, and that Christmas Mom got me one.  At around the same time, I began to develop an interest in the landlady's granddaughter, a beautiful young lady named Jennifer who was about a year or two younger than me.  She came from a rich family though, and she had no interest in any of us local boys, and she was often kind of dismissive of us in all honesty.  I remember trying to impress Jennifer by utilizing my chemistry set to make her perfumes and soaps - a lot of this involved using a bunch of Mom's perfumes she never wore anyway, and the remains of bars of soap in our bathroom.  I would use some things in my chemistry set to synthesize a variety of potions into an aromatic concoction, and then I would gift-wrap them and give them to Jennifer whenever she was down to visit her grandmother's store.  She was perhaps my most serious early crush, and I had it bad for her.  She, of course, didn't reciprocate my feelings, and I have the distinct feeling that many of my well-intentioned gifts I bestowed upon her ended up discreetly discarded in a garbage can somewhere (and in retrospect, who could blame her?  While noble in attempt, the poor girl may have broken out in hives or something with the ambiguous concoctions and soaps I created!).  The point is, when a guy seeks the attention of a lady, he often reveals things about himself to her that no one else would either understand or appreciate.  That is something we even carry into adulthood, as with the right woman a man can feel more like himself and by sharing those more intimate parts of himself, he is committing himself to that woman - that is also the basis of marriage too, and why "the two become one flesh."  These two aspects of a young man in particular - the public part of himself he shares with his buddies, and the more intimate private part of himself he shares with his girl - are not contradictory:  he is the same person, and both parts of that person are what make him who he is.  It is like the fictional jazz musician Moses Godfrey noted in Nat Hentoff's book Jazz Country - you cannot ask a person to "be themselves" because they are a different self to a different set of circumstances.  One can be a son to one's mother, but cannot be that same son to one's wife - he is a husband.  He can be an employee in the workplace, but also be a student at his school - they are not one and the same as each requires a different set of personal rubrics.  This is true as well when a guy is socializing with his buddies - he is not going to be tell them the sweet romantic stuff he shares with his girl, although they may see how he looks at her, and many of them will have their girls they like too so it will be an unspoken understanding among them with that.  Because guys tend to be more vulnerable with girls they have an interest in, they may actually do things that may seem silly if they did the same things in other circles of relationships they have.  Oddly, this still holds true as adults as much as it does as boys, although by that point men are more mature and they can talk about some different issues and even share some ideas based on the solidarity of being husbands to their respective wives.  Even so, even in adulthood when men have wives like that, the circle is smaller at that point.  Let me give an example of a couple of individuals.

There is a guy who has a Filipina fiancee, and he has a friend who has been married to a Filipina for several years, so naturally that creates a point of mutual recognition between the two friends.  The conversations they have will go something like this:  "You know, the other day my fiancee was so sweet because she is always making sure I eat my breakfast, etc.  Is this what a typical Filipina wife will do?"  The friend in this case responds that his wife - he may have been married to her over 18 years at this point - does the same thing, and he also thinks it is a sweet gesture.  Unless one has a friend who has a similar experience though, this is not something that one can talk about with just anyone.  It is based on a shared experience, and the point of true friendship in that case is being able to bounce insights off each other and perhaps even gain new insights from each other too.  That is a good thing, and it is 100% true masculinity for two guys to have a conversation like that.  This starts even in boyhood as well, where perhaps two friends from similar backgrounds can relate regarding a certain circumstance both face.  This was true for me as a kid growing up in a low-income single-parent household in a small town in West Virginia - many of us neighborhood kids did face similar challenges, and often we could talk about that because we knew where we came from too.  Shared experience is what creates the communicable traits of community, something we talked about before, and now let's put that together.

All of us have "stories," and we also are members of one or more types of groups, either by choice or circumstance.  The collective "story" of that group is one in which all the members of it share, but there are also things called individuality and distinctiveness, and those dictate how the individual shapes their part of the "story."  What is unique to that individual, in Personalist terms, is called incommunicable traits. What they share with others in the same group is called communicable traits, or universals.  At the core of that is what makes up the story - this is a series of central narrative convictions that evolve around the response to four fundamental questions:  who am I? where am I? what's wrong? and what's the remedy?  Yes, for those who have read my stuff for the past 10 years now, you know where I am going with this - this again is the CNC model that Pentecostal theologian Kenneth Archer proposes, coupled with the thesis that Catholic philosophy professor John Crosby gives, both in their respective books.  This kind of fits into Esolen's thoughts too, as he talks about the male proclivity to rank things, and me even proposing this model is my attempt to do just that.  Like Esolen notes on page 33 of his book, I as a man do not see these two concepts (Crosby's and Archer's) as the same, but rather they can be viewed in one of two ways.  They can be contrasted against each other (the philosophical vs. the theological in this case) or they can be compared and as I have done synchronized into something more complementary.  I have always had a knack for doing that, and thankfully according to Esolen, it means I am a normal male of the human species.  Esolen argues - more or less - that instead of suppressing this proclivity in boys, we should be nurturing it and encouraging it to grow, and teaching things such as critical thinking, problem solving, and fundamental skills that will aid in evolving both of those in the mind of an impressionable boy.  It teaches boys to think on their feet then, and instead of worrying about the problem, it sets the boy's mind into a sort of "survival mode" to where he comes up with his own solutions.  Let me tell you how that relates to me. 

Like many people, I have faced my fair share of adversity and challenges.  You have read about some of them over the past year.  If a boy in particular is taught at an early age to anticipate variables, and then challenged with a way to address them, it will be an asset to them later.  This starts in the way they are educated.  Part of my teaching style I communicate with my high school juniors entails making them think.  I challenge them, girls and boys alike.  For instance, if I am asking them about something, I want to make them think, to get into problem-solving mode.  One thing, for instance, I do with my students when they ask what the letter of something starts with, I will say "the fifteenth letter of the alphabet" (which is P), and then I watch them when faced with a challenge trying to figure that out - it is a little bit amusing to watch them recite the alphabet while counting on their fingers, but eventually they get it.  Another thing I do as well is utilize word association - for instance, if I am teaching the components of the liturgy to my students, I will ask them about the General Confession as part of the Liturgy of the Word, and if they have trouble I will ask them "What is the highest rank an Army officer can have?" and then say, "OK, you got that, so combine that with what the one sacrament is where we tell our sins to a priest."  Once they make the association, they are like "Oh yeah, I know this!" and they end up actually doing good on a quiz if this comes up.   While girls in my classes tend to grasp this quicker, the boys love the challenge and will jump on it, and often they still recall it weeks later even if otherwise they are loud and distracted in class.  This is a master stroke at learning to solve a problem presented to you, and once the students understand what you are doing, they are able to think on their feet more.  These are ways I learned too in many cases, and it does work wonders with intellectual development.  The down side to it though is that I actually have to do with 11th graders what I learned in 6th grade.  Such is the culture we live in though.  Problem-solving is a skill that any person of either gender can benefit from, but teaching boys from an early age to assess a situation quickly and think on their feet is a valuable skill that could save their lives.  And, it is something lacking in much of today's youth, especially boys, because often boys have a lot stacked against them that they shouldn't have to struggle with, mostly because of the leftist domination of education and other societal factors that could be taken into consideration as well.  

I will probably visit this more later, as I also have a second book of Esolen's on the way I want to reflect on as well, but thank you for allowing me to share here today.  And, hope you will join me again next visit. 

Longing For Home

 If you have followed me over the past year, you understand that my life has been a bit upended.  We had to make a sudden move from the more comfortable atmosphere of Hagerstown to the chaos of Baltimore, and it has honestly been an adjustment to get used to.  I have lived in cities before, and generally felt the same way - I felt like this when we lived in St. Petersburg, FL, years ago too.  Baltimore is a MUCH bigger city than St. Pete was though, and although some demographics are similar, it is also been like living in a foreign country for me too.   When I feel like this, it also leads to some burnout at work, and I get to the point that certain things about my daily routine are dreadful to me.   Do you remember the cult classic movie Office Space that came out about 27 years ago?  The protagonist in that movie, a mid-career young Gen-X professional named Peter Gibbons, felt a similar way.  Whether it was the congested traffic he faced on the way to work, or hearing the condescending tone of his micromanaging boss, Lumbergh, say "Hey Peter, whaattss happening?" before being assaulted with a barrage of corporate head games, Peter felt a little discontented.  I think we all feel like that at some point, but living in a city intensifies it drastically.  It is not as if city living is completely bad - I mean, after all, I actually was able to experience my first Georgian restaurant in Baltimore.  But, you deal with a lot of things that get on your last nerve - congested city streets, porch pirates stealing your deliveries, the occasional crackhead who has no business operating a vehicle driving one into the foundation of your house, etc.  Then, when teaching at a high school - even though it is a Catholic high school - where the overwhelming majority of the student body are from low-income minority families and there are special sets of circumstances dealing with kids like that, it can drain one both physically and mentally.  As of late, I have actually been missing small-town life, and to be honest, despite some struggles I loved living in Hagerstown.  I felt comfortable there, and to be honest had things worked out differently I would have stayed there in all honesty. But, it is what it is, and as Barbara has pointed out to me, God put me here for a reason - there is a reason why I get paid a decent salary and have a stable teaching contract, and also why nothing else has come across my path yet.  But, I also know this is only for a season, as in time I will be released to move on.  I am currently looking into teaching jobs overseas - in the Philippines in particular for a deeply personal reason - and if the right door opens up I am gone. But, until that door opens, I have to make the best of things, and pray God shows me how to do so.  I have been through worse, in all honesty, but it does cause me some discomfort.  Tonight was a good example of that I want to talk about now. 

About an hour ago, two Black ladies who live close by were ringing our doorbell off the hook, and then they proceeded to complain about a gas leak.  Fortunately, I know what to look for with that, and I did the check around the house.  If you have a gas leak threat, there are three things that will indicate it:

1.  A disgusting skunk smell due to a chemical agent called mercaptan they put in the gas lines - smelling that noxious odor is indicative of a leak. 

2. A hissing or other noise from the gas meter and connected lines.  If that happens, that is a serious sign of a leak.

3. Having a CO1 alarm in the house will detect gas fumes, and our landlord was prudent enough to install one just outside the upstairs bathroom here. 

I did the check around all those things, and no indicators were found that we had a leak.  And, for good measure, I also emailed the landlord like a responsible tenant to let him know someone had said something about it just to give him a heads-up.  In all likelihood, there is probably nothing to worry about, and if necessary I will call the gas company myself to confirm it if it should come to that. 

This type of drama is another reason city living is not that appealing to me.  I can handle suburbs, and in all honesty I am at a place to where I can possibly get a mortgage in the next year.  If I can do that, I am out of here in all honesty.   I will talk more about a potential move later, but for now you get the idea. 

Aside from the main discussion, I wanted to also give a small memorial to a dear friend of mine who passed away last week.  Father Charles (Qasha) Klutz (1934-2025) is someone I have known about 37 years now.  Fr. Klutz gave me my introduction to the Assyrian people, as he was an ordained priest in the Assyrian Church although not Assyrian himself.  A well-read and very articulate man, we forged a friendship that has lasted for many, many years.  Up until his retirement in 2008, when he moved back to his native Washington, Fr. Klutz served in parish ministry as well as also being a Chancellor to the Bishop of his Church's Eastern Diocese.  While we had some interesting debates at times, they were always in good spirits and we learned much from each other.  

Rev. Fr. Charles (Qasha) Klutz (1934-2025)

I never had the privilege of meeting Fr. Klutz in person, but when I first reached out to him in mid-1987 to learn more about the Assyrian Church and its people, he was a wealth of information.  We had many phone conversations and we wrote many letters back and forth for several years.  Although we sort of lost touch as I got married, came of age, and life began to assert its demands, I have always considered Fr. Klutz a friend, and I am saddened by his loss on a personal level but also know he did the Lord's work with dedication, so I will one day meet him again in the hereafter.  Rest Eternal, dear Father, and may Light Perpetual shine upon you, amen. 

Fr. Klutz's passing is yet another reminder of how many people I used to know that I have lost, and it also fits into the theme of my reflections today - longing for home.  Fr. Klutz reminds me of an earlier passion and strong calling I believed I had then, to the Assyrians as a people.  Seeking to be a "missionary" to them, they eventually converted me instead, and it was because of knowing them that I ended up eventually becoming Catholic myself.  And, it is one reason why for several years as a Catholic I chose to attend an Aramaic-speaking Maronite parish in Florida over a Roman-rite church.  A lot of that influence is still evident in my own personal spirituality, as I still read St. Isaac of Nineveh and other Assyrian Church Fathers.  A part of me misses that passion I had for the Assyrian people, and I want that back - it is a little more challenging in some aspects now as I lost a substantial library of books on Assyrians and their culture that I once had, and I could kick my own rear for that happening.  The positive though is that there is a treasure trove of Assyrian information online, as this is the 21st century, and many of those books I had before can now actually be downloaded as digital copies.  Once the dust settles on the opening salvo of this new chapter my life is in now, I may begin pursuing some of that again, as it is an important part of my own story now too.  I am actually even thinking of writing more about the Assyrians later, especially my own experiences, and perhaps that can be an inspiration for the future maybe.  We will see. 

It looks like 2025 will be one of my most prolific writing years, as I have a lot of content this year.  However, that is OK, because writing at times is what keeps me focused and sane.  As it seems that my old work of journaling is starting to fade out after almost 30 years, my blogs present a way to channel my own penchant for writing into a more focused lens and I can actually share this with others.  I still journal of course, as journaling is part of who I am and there are some things I would rather keep personal for myself.  But, blogging has also had its rewards too. 

I am expecting Anthony Esolen's book on boyhood in the next day or so, and I will be doing some reflections based on my reading of that.  So, for tonight, I will bid my adieus and will be back again soon.  Thanks for joining me here on the virtual "front porch," and look forward to visiting with you again soon.  

Further Thoughts on Nostalgia

 I really didn't feel like I captured the essence of what I wanted to say yesterday, and this will be challenging with the lack of my reference books (notably Anthony Esolen's work) here at the school I am teaching at today.  However, I will give a more cited addendum to this later, as it is integral to the discussion. 

The one thing I wanted to talk about is the intersection of nostalgia and dreams.  Both our nostalgic sentiments and the dreams we have are tied into our memories, and often our dream world constructs a composite of bits and pieces of memories that play upon that nostalgic feeling.  Some of our most vivid dreams are often experienced in particular during times of intense stress and fatigue in our lives, as if our minds are gifting us a coping mechanism to ease the burdens a bit.  I have noticed that in my own life as well, when some of my most intense and vivid dream sequences have happened when I was facing some major life challenges and transitions.  This is why I am not that easy to dismiss dreams, because our ability to dream is a gift of God he has given us, and we have that for a reason.  Dreams can also serve as a sort of heavenly email server where God can send us messages too, and in the Bible are numerous accounts of people being visited in dreams by either the Lord himself or one of his angels.  Likewise, Satan and his minions can manipulate our dreams too though, and this is why we need to be careful too.   Not every nightmare is an attack of Satan, please understand that.  Many nightmares can also be due to eating something that doesn't agree with us, and they are also a manifestation of some of our worst fears too.  Nonetheless, our dreams are a dimension where supernatural activity can happen, both good and bad, and that merits a whole other discussion in itself.  The focus of dreams for the purposes of this discussion are as that psychological coping mechanism God gives us to deal with personal stress, and an area our dreams pick up on is the realm of nostalgia. 

Speaking of a personal situation like this, I recall when I was 16 years old I had an interesting dream that fell into this definition.  At the time, my mom and I had just went through a chaotic year where, after living 6 years in the town of Kirby, WV, we found ourselves on the move, and it was a bit of an adjustment.  That same year, the catastrophic 1985 Flood happened in the area of West Virginia where we lived, and Mom and I had moved with my grandparents to the town of Rowlesburg, WV.  For those who remember that flood, Rowlesburg was hit particularly hard by the overflowing Cheat River, and the town then looked like a war zone.  Our moving there in the middle of that was exacerbated by the fact that Mom and I had been moved around a lot over the course of a few months, and when finally Mom was able to get a job taking care of an elderly lady in her 90s a few miles away on Salt Lick Road, just south of the town of Terra Alta, I honestly felt stressed then.  There were two things I fell back on that I believed saved me - one was my conversion to Christ that January at a little Baptist church in Rowlesburg, and the other was my vintage big band collection.  Both of these would play significant roles in how I coped with my new chapter of life then, and the second in particular had an impact on my dreams then.  Let me go into detail here.

Besides actually collecting records then, I also had a late-night radio program I listened to called "Henry Boggen's Sunday Night Show" on WBT-AM out of Charlotte, NC.  I had been listening to that religiously for over 4 years at this point, and it was a regular Sunday night tradition.  Being I often had to get up for school the next day then, I would lay in bed and listen to it with my headphones so as not to disturb anyone, and I dozed off frequently as this show was broadcast from 10PM to 1AM.  Falling to sleep with that music in my ears led me to have dreams too, including a very interesting one I will get into now as I vividly recall it. 

In this dream, I was in a desert traveling somewhere, and as I was doing so I came across what looked like a diner in the middle of a small scrub-laden oasis.  In that diner there was music playing - my music, vintage big bands - and I remember sitting down and being served by a beautiful dark-haired counter girl who also ended up becoming my girlfriend in the dream.  She served me fried chicken (one of my favorite foods) and a delicious cherry pie for dessert.  The dream was pleasant, a little romantic, and it was as if I could hear that music (I had probably fallen asleep listening to my program I figured).  Remember, this was at a very stressful and transitional time in my life, and I was very uncertain about a lot, but I was also trying to hang onto my sanity then too.  To this day I recall that dream, and it still makes me feel something nice inside when I think of it. 

Another dream I had was more recent, and it entailed a college campus.  The campus itself looked a lot like Southeastern University with a little bit of Graceville thrown in, and in this particular dream I lived in a nice dormitory-like apartment in campus.  I was actually in the dream though headed to the library, and one thing I noticed when I was inside was this HUGE sign that advertised the most complete collection of vintage jazz/big band recordings ever to exist, and I wanted it. Somehow, I did actually manage to get it too - the collection had over 2000 CD recordings in it of practically every record I ever looked for, and it was magnificent.  Many of the other details of this dream escape me, but I do remember it too was at a time of uncertainty - this was only a few years ago, when Barbara and I had first separated and there was a lot of uncertainty which was haunting my mind then. Again, I don't know if any of these dreams are significant as far as a message is concerned, but they are fascinating in their details. 

A third dream I had dealt with something other than music, and there was a religious undertone to this one.  I was living in a suburban house that looked like here in Baltimore somewhere, and it was a beautiful 3-story place in which several other guys lived as well.  However, in the dream there was this disturbing feeling that one of these guys was doomed to hell for some reason, and it was up to me to tell him.  So, as we were talking in an informal circle in the driveway of the house, the guy who was supposed to receive this fate essentially just keeled over dead - he was a very young guy in his 20s too.  What was jarring about that later was that the Physics teacher we had last year, a young guy named Louis, looked unnervingly like that guy in the dream.  Was there a message there?  Who's to say?  However, there was also a nostalgic dimension to that dream too, as it embodied some fond memories of my own living here when I was younger.  The Baltimore of today - especially this inner-city part where I live and work - looks nothing like the place in that dream, but it is nonetheless a sort of confirmation that maybe I am supposed to be in this area for some odd reason.  

Nostalgia often does not only take in actual memories, but it can also take in idealized versions of experiences too.  Our dreams give us a glimpse into what that looks like, and it is actually very fascinating stuff.  Again, our nostalgia actually shapes our legacy we pass to others, and understanding why we dream what we do, why certain smells and sensory perceptions often evoke certain memories, and even why that song we have no idea of the title of somehow evokes that feeling, all of this has a nostalgic dimension.  Not only does nostalgia shape our legacy, but it also helps define our identity as well.  This is why it cannot be underestimated and when these moments come up we need to take them more seriously than we do sometime.

I am going to have more to say on this later for sure once I am able to access the reading material I need to have, and when I do, I will be revisiting this topic later.   I also want to later talk about the role of deja vu moments and other things as well.  Thank you, and look forward to visiting with you again soon. 

Nostalgia and Legacy

 This morning, I am doing proctoring for a standardized test for my Juniors in another classroom at the high school where I teach in Baltimore.  The classroom is not one of my regular class locations, but rather is the class for the new Spanish teacher, Mr. Verges.  Verges started as Spanish teacher this year, and he is actually a fascinating guy - he is into music, and the decor of his room consists of a number of musical instruments, including a Selmer clarinet, a Les Paul guitar, a Hohner chromatic harmonica, and a Buscher alto saxophone.  I had the privilege of talking to him one day during a break in classes, and come to find out he is quite the music aficionado.  We talked briefly about music, and turns out some of his tastes are similar to mine, while others are divergent - he is an eclectic musical conisseur.  It is very interesting and stimulating to get to know many of our new teachers here, as many of them are very gifted and they are also unique in experience and personalities, which again affirms that each of us are created in God's image with an individuality he instilled in each of us.  Looking around at Mr. Verges' comfortably cluttered classroom, I was struck with a bit of an epiphany regarding a book I had that is authored by Anthony Esolen concerning the restoration of boyhood.  Some of Verges' assorted bric-a-brac inspired me to think a little about my past and how nostalgia is a key to legacy.  So, I wanted to reflect on that a bit as I am sitting here monitoring my students as they test. 

Many of our likes, dislikes, and other individual attributes we each have are rooted in our childhood experiences, and we all have those days when something just strikes us that makes us fondly recall those things and the experiences that shaped them.  A few days ago I was also having an interesting conversation with the maintenance guy here at the school, and he was telling me that there is a song he cannot remember and doesn't know the title of, but whenever he hears it, the song evokes a response.  His experience mirrors many of us because we have all had those moments.  A certain song may not even evoke a specific chronological memory even, but just a feeling - for me, the sound of the Four Freshmen, the color teal, and a rainy day evoke a good, cozy feeling for me too.  It is not a feeling I can explain, and it isn't even about an event I have actually lived, but you feel it and understand what is going on.  That is a part of you that is called the "unspoken perimeter" (a term of my own invention) of your personality.  It is part of the real you that is often obscured by the routine of life, and often you cannot share it because not everyone will appreciate or understand it.  You can find ways to creatively express that though, and it can be in things such as a color of a shirt you purchase, or the rug or curtains you furnish your room or house with.  These little unspoken expressions of that "unspoken perimeter" make an invisible part of yourself visible.  So, how does that relate to nostalgia and legacy?

There are many memories and past experiences that shape our tastes in things, and nostalgia plays a big role in shaping us into the person we as an individual becomes.  That is why our memories have such a powerful impact on us.  And, our nostalgia will ultimately become our legacy to others, and our legacy today may be the nostalgia that shapes someone else we influence tomorrow, and that is where nostalgia and legacy meet.  The nostalgia that inspires us is also the legacy of someone who lived before us too in many cases - it could be our parents, grandparents, or some other influential person who impacted our lives. The connection between nostalgia and legacy therefore is integral, as it forms us in ways that we may not fully realize until later.

Being I had to replace Dr. Esolen's book, I want to begin reflecting on his material in the near future as well.  Dr. Esolen has written several books about how these very things create an integral part of our faith as well, and this is definitely worth exploring in more detail.  This is an area which is oft-neglected, mainly because it is sort of hard to pinpoint and articulate.  And, it relates to many other things as well, such as our dreams, our hobbies, our personal likes and dislikes, etc.  However, I think it does a disservice when we ignore often what we cannot explain, because I feel that we miss some important treasures we could discover in our own lives too.  One of the reasons I write so much - it started with journaling, then evolved to blogs like this - is that it is a way to grab that flicker of inspiration before it passes, and then articulate it in such a way that it helps bring clarity to my own mind as well as inspiring others.  Today, for instance, it was my colleague Mr. Verges and his delightfully cluttered classroom that was the flicker of inspiration, but on other days it could be something else.  Mr. Verges reminded me of my own cluttered home office I once had a year ago, and although I have recovered that to a degree, it evoked some nostalgia of my own of recent events.  I often do miss having that massive CD collection, my books, and my own assorted bric-a-brac surrounding me, and when I had a separate home office like that it was a bit of a sanctuary for me too. I will get that again soon enough - after all, it was only stuff and can be easily replaced (in the case of the CD collection, I was able to recover most of it as digital downloads, which means what once took up half a room can now fit into the palm of my hand). And, for the time being I at least have a good comfortable makeshift living space/office as well.  In time, there will probably be some nostalgic feelings about that as well. 

I am sure that this will be a topic we revisit again in the future, as I don't believe I adequately addressed it completely here.  My reflections on Esolen's work later will shed some light on things I am sure, and it will remain to be seen how much further this area can be explored.  Thanks again for allowing me to share, and will see you next time.