Why At Times Self-Appreciation May Be More Vital Than Unwarranted Opposition

There is a lot to reflect on, but often when that happens there are just no words to express it.  Since moving back a couple of years ago close to the area where I grew up as a kid, I have been reflecting on a lot honestly.  After 27 years in Florida, where I originally went to attend college but then ended up getting married and being stuck there, it is actually good to be home.  Being back in this area is not without its challenges though, and in contrast to the 19-year-old kid who left home in 1989 to go off to college, I am now a lot older and even different in outlook in many respects.  And, I not only brought myself back, but with me now is my wife too, and Maryland especially is a new experience for her as well.  I am not sure what the direction of this discussion is going to take today, but I am sure that as I ramble off I will get a structure to these thoughts. 

One thing of a more serious note I wanted to touch on is something that has been in the back of my mind for some time, and just needed to come out.  Over the 48 years (soon to be 49) of my existence, I have kind of gotten use to not being taken seriously, ignored, and even outright opposed by even family members.  If something happens to me that is good, or I reach a major achievement in my life, more often than not I will have some relative who belittles it, attacks it, or just plain ignores it totally - it always feels good to have a bubble burst for an achievement you have worked so hard for by those who actually should be sharing the joy with you.   That is why - and now I am getting my bearings! - it is time to give a bit of a life lesson to those who read this who may be in the same situation, in that there are a few things you need to understand in order to move forward.  This will necessarily mean a retitling of this piece from the original generic title I was going to give it, as we now have direction to write.  Bear with me though, as this is a little intense as a subject, and it is getting some things on the table I have hesitated to say but need to. 

Many reading this have had those moments where you have felt a sense of accomplishment - you got that promotion at your job, you landed that "dream job" you had been fighting for many years to get, or you earned that degree you have worked your butt off to get for four years.   You have just conquered a major mountain in your life, and you did it not just for you, but for the pride of your family and you have done something many of them couldn't do.  Now, this is an occasion to celebrate if any, right?  Of course!  And, in many cases, many families are proud of you for that great achievement you have just made and they will have a celebration or something for you.  It's really a blessing too when that happens.  However, although in an ideal world that should be the case, in real life many families are so fragmented and so divided this day and age that frankly, to use Clark Gable's iconic line from Gone With the Wind, they just don't give a damn.  When that comes across to you, after all the hard work and effort you made, it is like a slap in the face, isn't it?   That is what I want to direct my conversation to now, and it is not going to be easy for some on the receiving end of it to swallow at all, but there is a reason why it must be said.  That is what we'll talk about now.

The first part of this whole issue is an important principle to grasp - not everyone is going to appreciate what you do, and they will be critical and find fault with you despite your best efforts.  To be fair, you are not expecting them to understand your motivation and efforts, but just to appreciate them, but they fail to do either or even try.  Being faced with that is not pleasant, and especially when you want these people you call your family to share in the blessing with you, but this is where some important realizations need to be emphasized.  Despite what benefit and blessing your great accomplishment is supposed to be to your family, honestly you need to really grasp that you didn't do this just to get their accolades; no, you did it for your own growth and achievement, and that is what is important.  I have learned to use a two-word phrase that is a bit blunt yet effective in those situations with such people - "screw you."   After all, think about it - did they put in the effort you did to get where you are, and did they stand with you even when you had some difficult hurdles to overcome in gaining that milestone in your life?  Ninety-nine percent of the time that answer is no.  Yet, for some reason, those who invested the least (if anything) in your success are often the ones who are quick to condemn, criticize, and gossip about you behind your back.  I know of which I speak, as I have a family full of those deadweights.  Let me tell you a personal story about that if I could.

A few years back, after almost a 16-year hiatus, I was finally able to pursue the graduate degree that I wanted to earn for many years.  Due to life circumstances over the previous years, I was unable to pursue it earlier, so I was in my early 40's before I even started my Master's.  As I was getting ready to finish up the degree, I talked one night on the phone to a close relative - one who has a reputation for gossip and negativity, I might add, as this particular family member always has to put someone down - and mentioned my pursuits.  Instead of "I am so proud of you" or "way to go," all I got out of this individual was a nosy and inappropriate comment about my student loans (which is none of this person's business, being they have not contributed in any way to my education at all).  In the back of my mind, I was thinking "seriously??" and that conversation ended abruptly.  And, it is not the first time - I have caught a lot of flak over the years (even when I was younger) about pursuing my education, and many of the people who have done this were either blood relatives or in-laws.  This is why the "screw you" approach has been my coping mechanism, and as I mention that, I have also learned to limit my contact with such people too, even if they are family.  You can't choose your kin, it is true, but you can choose not to deal with them when they spread negativity and condemnation in your life.  So, I have learned to move forward with life despite the parasites that are family in many cases, and I have better things to do than to subject myself to their "scrutiny."  I have also learned an important lesson from the Bible about this too - in Matthew 7:6 a parable of Christ tells us to not cast our pearls before swine.  In the context of that verse, it means that precious things such as the proclamation of the Gospel as well as other holy things are not to be shared with those who will reject them and defile them, as it is just like a pig crapping on and trampling an heirloom pearl necklace.  Although that is the correct application of that passage in Scripture, it equally applies to us as well - there are many things we hold dear and even sacred ourselves, and they should not be shared with those who would make fun of them and not fully appreciate them - in other words, it is better not to even try to explain something good to a jerk in that case.  And, that leads me to another personal reflection that doesn't encompass one event, but rather several incidences in my lifetime.

Have you ever had one of those moments where you have experienced something that has touched you or really gotten you "fired up" about something in a good way, and you just wanted to share it?  It could be a dream you have had, an idea, or even a church service, concert, or some other event that impacted you profoundly.   The impact of whatever the situation is was so permeating that it was all you could think or talk about.  Yet, when you try to share it with people, they laugh at you, say you're "crazy," or even worse, they give you that apathetic look like "who cares?" and that tends to dampen the mood considerably.   I have always hated that when it happened, and to be honest it makes you want to take a baseball bat and crack some heads of these apathetic jerks who dismiss you.  Those apathetic jerks are like the pigs in Jesus's parable, and what you have done by telling them your life-changing experience is cast your pearls before them to trample to death, and therefore it cheapened and destroyed a good thing in your life, right?   While it is fair to accept that not everyone will have the same reaction you did to whatever it was that fired you up, at the same time the - forgive the pejorative term here - dumbasses could at least be happy for you; I mean, what if it was reversed and they had the good experience - would they like it if you dismissed them like that??   In recent years (meaning about 20 honestly) there have been some good movies that have captured this perfectly, and I want to talk about two of them now.

The first movie featured the little guy above in the title role, and for those who were around at that time, it is 1998's Simon Birch.  The title character of that film was a sickly dwarf pre-teen boy who was misunderstood by many in his town, and his parents were so deadbeat they could care less about him.  So, he befriended another boy (Joe) who was the child of a single parent who was equally shunned, and as it turns out, the parish church vicar ended up being that boy's father, as it was revealed later.  Despite being put-down and ostracized by even his own parents, one thing notable during the course of the film was that little Simon Birch had two things going for him - for one, he had a positive attitude despite his adversity, and he also had a sense of destiny.  Later, thanks to the heroic action of little Simon in giving his life to rescue a busload of scared young kids who had careened into a river, his destiny was realized.  Both Simon and his friend Joe illustrate that often greatness is underappreciated and condemned, until often it is too late.  Simon had to die in serving others in order to be taken seriously, which is tragic. 

The second movie, 1996's Matilda, featured young actress Mara Wilson (pictured above) in the title role of the film.  Matilda Wormwood is basically an unwanted daughter of two deadbeat parents who basically ignore her, and in her lonliness she begins to read voraciously and achieves an intelligence beyond her years, which of course is dismissed and denigrated by her jackass family.  But, in the end a dedicated teacher (thank God for those too!) sees the treasure this little girl really was, and she takes her as her own.  Matilda achieved a lot, but she also had little support or love from those who are supposed to be her family.  She shared that in common with Simon Birch.

A third film I want to mention came out around 2003 and was called Second-Hand Lions, and it featured a teenage Haley Joel Osment as Walter, a young boy whose golddigger mother was so self-absorbed that she didn't give a care about her son and therefore sought to dump him off on her two eccentric elderly uncles (played by Michael Caine and Robert Duval, who did an excellent job) in Texas who lived in a rickety old house, despite having a fortune assumed to be in the billions they had amassed in their younger days as mercenary guns-for-hire in Europe and North Africa.  The kid is really insecure, but he grows on the uncles who eventually give the boy a home in which he is able to live a good life free of his selfish mother, and he goes on to become a successful cartoonist as an adult.  This movie is a good illustration as to why in some cases adoption is preferable to bad biological parents, in that the boy's uncles really took an interest in him and raised him to be a fine young man, something his mother would have failed at doing.  Again, like Simon Birch and Matilda Wormwood, Walter was an underappreciated treasure to his biological parents, and they lost out, yet they didn't seem to care.  However, at least fate assisted them to be the people they were destined to be, and that is the beauty of those movies. 

The lesson one should get out of these movies is that regardless of circumstance, and even dead wood in one's family, one can rise above and beyond the crap-pile of negativity, criticism, and ignorance that families tend to foster.  I am a testimony of that myself - neither of my parents were real prizes by any measure, and the rest of my relatives didn't even care that I existed throughout most of my younger life, yet I beat the odds and accomplished a lot despite those circumstances.  I overcame poverty, isolation, and even condemnation and criticism of others to be the person I am today, and no one can take that from me and no one has a right to condemn, gossip, judge, or make sport of it either.  I have learned - and yes, it sounds selfish, but in this context it is fine - that I need to take care of what is in my best interests first, although I have never been adverse to good mentorship when offered.  In taking care of my best interests, I am in a better position then to serve others who maybe need that encouragement, so if any good fruit comes from out of this, it would be the ability to tell people that they need to stay away from negativity-spreaders (even, and especially, if they are family) and stay on course with what they are supposed to be doing.  That way, you keep focused, and the word-vomit of deadbeat family and others won't derail your pursuits.  If more people would learn that, I think a lot of nonsense we face would be easily eliminated.  Any rate, that is my lesson for today, and hopefully it reaches someone.  Also, like a minister named Mark Chironna said once, and I take as words to live by, it is good to remember that your present position doesn't determine your future potential.  And, that includes the present mouth-vomit of deadbeat family members too.  So long until next time.