I have tried over the years to keep these particular articles on the DMM page somewhat light-hearted and positive. However, also remember that the reason I started this page was to do some personal reflection on my own "story," and at times my "dark side" will come out as there are those things which irk me and I want to talk about. I know things irk many of you who are reading this too, and it is my hope that perhaps if some of the garbage hitting you is something related to what I talk about, you can feel somewhat encouraged by it and feel you are not alone. What I am about to share today with you is one of those things. It is a pretty sensitive topic, so I am going to approach it judiciously, but at the same time some of you may identify with it and in your mind, while reading this you may think "Wow - that sounds like me!" If that is you, please take what I am saying as some basic wisdom on these issues, and hopefully, you will come out of your circumstance on the other side with more closure over that which vexes you as well.
I will be the first to tell you that life for me has been a struggle, and I have had to face many adverse circumstances. While it is true that some of the stuff I have encountered has been due to stupid and unwise life choices on my part - and I fully own that where it is the case - on the other hand, there is much that is beyond my control which can often manifest as frustration. Growing up in poverty as I did as a child, largely cut off from a lot of my own family and not having that support structure I really needed at critical times in my life has made some things more difficult for me than it would for someone else going through similar things who may have had that support structure to fall back on. A lot of times, I have had to engage in dogfights for some very fundamental things, and at times it does get to me as I am a concupiscent human being with all the limitations that entails. Those circumstances have led me to have heated discussions with God as to the whole "why me" thing, and it has also caused me to be closed and defensive in certain areas. Some of you know exactly what I am talking about, don't you? On the positive side of this, one benefit I have reaped from all this contention is that it has refined my character in areas that may not have been so, but I still struggle with the "why" questions too. Let me give an example of this and see if you relate.
Let's say that you go into a fancy bakery, and in this bakery, there are all these delicious cakes which are also very expensive, yet you buy one because honestly, it is something you want to try and experience. You love this cake you purchased, and cannot wait to benefit and savor its delectable flavors. But, despite paying all that money for a whole cake, the baker gives you a spoonful of crumbs. Understandably, you feel cheated, and if this were a real-life scenario it would honestly be good grounds for a civil suit against this baker. In essence, you paid your hard-earned cash for a whole cake, but are forced to settle for a minimal amount of crumbs. You still get the taste, but you never experience the whole cake in all its goodness. This is a road I have been down several times on many occasions, so let me now apply it to this perspective.
Now, let's make this a more feasible scenario based on my own experience. You are a paid professional in a given field, and you have a stellar track record working in that field with over 20 or more years of experience you have earned. You have an impressive resume, glowing professional references, and the whole works, including "Employee of the Month" awards and other recognitions. You have also excelled in education as well, earning a Bachelor's and then a Master's, and you have studied your butt off to maintain an excellent GPA. Yet, for some reason, you now find yourself without work for over 6 months, and all of a sudden money is running short and you don't know what to do. You know you have the experience and credentials for that job that you have striven toward, yet the phone is silent - and, if you don't get income ASAP, it may be even more silent as the telephone company is threatening to disconnect you. You get leads, your butt gets kissed by recruiters wanting to earn a commission yet they never call you back - shows how important you are to them, doesn't it? So, does this sound familiar? I have been there too many times myself, and it is not a good place to be for sure, as those of you who may be reading this and have experienced it may agree. But, this is not the end of the story - you occasionally get that job you love, and make good income at, but then it ends - either it is through a temporary agency, or it entails a company that is on the verge of closing and they cannot afford to employ your services anymore, and that is even more frustrating, isn't it? Some of you can identify with that too I am sure. You get to a point, if you are a religious person like me, that you start having shouting matches with God and making demands - I mean, he made all these promises about "supplying all our needs" and such in Scripture, so when is that going to happen? You wait and wait, and wait...day after day goes by, and nothing changes. You start to get desperate, and you grasp at straws. Eventually, a breakthrough comes, but then you wonder how long it will last - you have been down this road before, remember. Internally, you are demanding radical change, as again you are forced to settle for crumbs when you invested in an entire cake. I can tell you from personal experience that this whole thing has happened to me on more than one occasion, and even as I write this now I am coming out of the other end of one of those times. Shortly, I will give you my coping mechanisms for dealing with this, but in addition to that you may face another issue I want to talk about, and this one is more intense as it is often hard to accept and talk about.
Let's picture this scenario now which complements the previous one. You have worked hard, excelled in your education, and do everything to the best of your abilities, but for some reason, there are those people who seek to slander you for no reason. It has been my experience that often some of the worst opposition one has is often from those they need the most - family. Although many of these relatives and in-laws have not invested anything in your efforts, and they were not there for you when you needed their support the most, for some reason they still find opportunities to slander you, gossip and judge, mock, and at the least not even take you seriously. They don't know your story, nor have they contributed to the hard work you have made with your personal accomplishments, yet they feel entitled to run their mouths about crap they know nothing about. There are essentially three ways these people do this, and here they are
1. The gossip and slander opportunities - Some relatives (and I have a grandparent who is guilty of this) love to take the opportunity to talk behind your back, spread rumors about you, and generally just talk crap concerning you. Having nothing better to do with their time, such relatives sit around in what is commonly called "stitch-and-bitch sessions" and will devote hours to defaming relatives of theirs.
2. Mockery and treating you like you are a joke - Certain relatives (in my case several aunts, uncles, and cousins) love to pick at those in their family who are younger. If you remember Macauley Culkin's portrayal of Kevin McAllister in the Home Alone movies, that illustrates it well. When you are young, you are a source of amusement and a play-toy to such relatives, and as you grow older they still tend to make light of your success and they show an intolerable lack of respect for you. These people also overlap a lot of times with the gossipers mentioned above too. With relatives like any of these, you don't need enemies, as such relatives are more of a curse and torment than Satan himself is.
3. Condescension and apathy toward you and your accomplishments - This one can be particularly tough on someone, especially when it involves a parent. Those who act like this in your family will be those who you never see at important events in your life - college graduations, weddings, etc. - because they don't feel it's worth their time. Attitudes like these reveal how much they value someone, and to be honest if they feel like that you don't need them in your life. Some of these particular relatives often are also condescending and rude toward you when you try to reach out to them, and some are so emotionless that they put a vacuum cleaner to shame. Having a mother who acts like this, I can tell you it can be lonely at times when you have to deal with someone with that attitude.
These three types of relatives reveal more about themselves by their behavior than they do about you, in that several factors may be involved. For one, they may have jealousy issues. Or, they may just hate that you are where you are because for some reason they don't think you deserve it. When encountering these people in your own family, there are some important things to remember. First, your accomplishments are yours, not theirs, and you don't have to prove anything to them. Realizing this can be profoundly liberating and once it happens the deadbeat relatives that gave you such a rough time drop out of your life eventually for good, and you should be feeling like "good riddance." Second, these types of relatives that fall into any of these categories are toxic relationships, and you would do best to stay away from them yourself - you have enough to focus on without having to deal with them, so live your life and don't include them if they have such attitudes. Third, and perhaps most important, is the religious dimension to all this - I have done articles on this on my SPT page, and essentially the fundamental idea here is quite simple - forgiveness has to be received as well as given. Your responsibility in all this is to cultivate an attitude of forgiveness, and freely offer it if an offending relative genuinely seeks it from you. If you follow that path, it will be better for you in the long run. A fourth thing also deserves mention as well - despite how much you may resent relatives who act like complete jackasses, you cannot let that resentment rule your life. Talk about it, deal with it, but also don't let it dominate you-you have far more important things to do than that. Resentment is toxic and destructive, and it never will solve the problem. If you are a person of faith (as I am personally) it means praying for help if resentment starts to give you issues. If you are also a faithful Catholic (as I am) it may mean utilizing the grace afforded by the Sacrament of Confession, although first experiences with that can be intimidating if you are a convert to the faith. Any rate, closure on these issues is vital, but also always maintain honesty in the fact you struggle with them as well.
As for coping mechanisms for waiting for a breakthrough when things look bleak, there are ways to utilize your time. For one, it is important not to obsess over the circumstances, and when the realities of those circumstances are staring you in the face on a daily basis, that can be a struggle - and, it is a struggle I am all too familiar with personally. There are some realities that must be remembered in lieu of this as well. First, there is always a bigger picture which will transcend the circumstance. This means that the circumstance itself is always temporary, although at the time you are going through such things they may seem eternal. Second, it is important to focus on what you can do while waiting for the breakthrough to happen instead of dwelling on the circumstance. As the old axiom goes, "idle hands are the devil's workshop," and therefore it is vital that you keep your mind and hands busy. Of course, there are a couple of considerations to keep in mind here as well. First, many projects take money, which may be in short supply, so what you want to do in that instance is work with what you have until you have the resources available to finish the project. This will save some time and effort later to be sure. Second, in addition to working on projects, use your time for self-reflection and planning. Self-directed speech when you have time to yourself, as well as a regular journal, can take you a long way in that. A third reality to remember is that this is the time to find out who you can depend on as well as what you have to work with at the moment, and it is important to utilize those. As for who you can depend on, that can be a challenge - our own pride often gets in the way and if you are like me it is a chore to ask for help when you need it, but you sometimes have to just break down and ask. If you do that, be sure you know you can count on the person and that you can trust them. As for what you have on hand, working with what you got can go a long way. This is a lesson I learned years ago dabbling in gourmet cooking and let me tell a story in regard to that. Some time back, money was tight in the house and we just wanted to have some sort of little treat to enjoy since snacks were in short supply. So, seizing upon my own cooking skills, I assessed what ingredients we had, and it turned out that we had both some powdered cocoa and a bottle of Creme de Menthe from the holidays. Utilizing this and some other basic essentials (flour, sugar, salt, baking soda, etc.) I created a chocolate mint cookie that tasted very similar to those Keebler Grasshoppers you can buy in the supermarket, and they were so delicious we finished 15 of them between us in one night. Sometimes the most rudimentary of things to work with can create a masterpiece, and that in turn fosters a sense of accomplishment that helps you transcend those "dry spells."
In conclusion, adverse circumstances and toxic relatives are two prevalent realities for many, and it is important for one's sake that both can be stepped over as we go about on life's journey. I hope this is an encouragement to you today and will see you next visit.
