Toxic Relatives and Other Woes

 Family is a bedrock of civilization - without the family, basic social structure is not possible in society.  But, there is a fundamental problem with this.  Not all families are equal, and indeed, there are times when some family members may do more harm than good.  How does one navigate those treacherous waters?  I wanted to talk about that and a few other things today, as it has some very strong relevance to my own life right now. 

I mentioned that prior to a divorce, I was married for 28 years.  One of the biggest issues throughout the course of that marriage (which also was a contributing factor in our divorce) was dealing with certain of my in-laws.  My ex-wife (with whom I am actually still close despite no longer being a married couple) comes from a fairly large family.   She is one of six kids from a large Midwestern family of primarily Polish/German origins. My ex-wife was the youngest of her siblings, and as a result over the years she had an interesting relationship with all of her older siblings.  For me, this was a radically different concept, as I was an only child.  However, I was more than willing to adopt my in-laws as family of my own, but unfortunately a number of them were openly hostile toward me before I even met them.  There are some details I will get into momentarily but let me just say this especially to my younger readers who may have recently gotten married or are contemplating marriage.  In-laws can be a blessing or a curse.  There is a reason for instance why for many years popular TV sitcoms often made as part of their plot lines an almost adversarial relationship between a man or a woman and the mother-in-law: it happens, believe it or not.  But, it is not just with the parents that issues can exist, but even with the siblings of one's spouse, and sometimes that is even more intense.  Growing up, the adversarial in-law dynamic rarely existed in our neck of the woods, as often the people who got married to each other generally had grown up together and therefore everyone knew each of the families.  I have seen mothers-in-law treat their daughter's husbands like their own sons, and it ended up being a beautiful extended family dynamic.  Had I married someone from my own hometown, no doubt that same dynamic would have existed for me too and I would have had a happier marriage and maybe even have been a grandparent and still in love with my spouse today.  But, as life happens, I was one of the people who unfortunately married into a family with a whole different set of values than I grew up with, and as a result almost from day one of my ex-wife's and my marriage, we had issues.  I don't blame my ex for this either - frankly, she was in the awkward situation many times of having to navigate through contrived family drama and I don't envy that at all.  No spouse needs to be put in a position where they are being pulled this way or that by their spouse or their family.  That will ultimately create some serious trust issues, and in time it can drive a couple apart - my ex and I unfortunately experienced that, and we both still have scars from a myriad of inflicted wounds.  Having experienced that, I now want to share some things with you that maybe will be either an encouragement or a bit of direction when you are catching flak from hostile in-laws.  I will begin by telling the story of my own experience in this regard.

As I mentioned, my ex-wife comes from a very large family - her mom and dad brought six kids into the world.  A tragic thing happened when my ex was still relatively young, and that was that her father - whom she really thought a lot of - died as the result of a tragic motorcycle accident.  After this happened, her family just sort of disintegrated.  Two of her older sisters who were already at that point adults ended up going off and making careers in their own respective fields, and while they were very successful at that, it also made them very prideful and they wanted to gain as much power over the rest of their family as was possible.  Their attitudes were such that some of their cousins nicknamed them "The Queens," and they became a very nasty thorn in the flesh for their other siblings and their mother as well.  About 26 years ago, my ex's other sister went through a tragic divorce - the story behind that was very intense and it was sad, and it took years for that particular sister to overcome a lot of the fallout of that.  Now, as for these "Queens," they have a nasty habit of trying to swoop in and take control of things they are not being asked to be involved in, and much like two ravenous vultures circling a rotted wildebeest carcass on the African savannah, these two will resort to actually kicking someone while they are down.  While their other sister was still stinging from what had happened in her life, these two buzzards started essentially attacking her for no good reason, and they even threatened to have her committed to a looney bin.  They gossiped about their own sister to their friends, and they made some very vicious lies and accusations against her that honestly were so sick that it is even hard to imagine the lack of empathy those two possessed.  The sister that was targeted was very hurt and wounded by these other two, and she eventually passed away never resolving the issue.  The two buzzards, on the other hand, never acknowledged their guilt, and they never really had a transformation of their own hearts.  And, those two had another co-conspirator who worked with them, and that was their brother - he at times was as bad, if not worse, than they were.  There is yet another dimension to their behavior which made this more shocking, and I want to talk about that now.

The "Queens" and their brother (I called him the "Golden Boy") have also projected a lot of hostility toward me over the years, and they actually hated me in such a way that it defies logic.  The ironic part of this is that all three of them claim to be Christians, yet in their actions they act more like agents of Satan himself.  All three are always using religious jargon - "Golden Boy" has even adopted a sanctimonious tone when he talks which is frankly nauseating - and they also hate Catholics, and the oldest sister of this trio will jump on any fad that blows through American Evangelicalism and she doesn't manifest the spirit of someone who sincerely follows Christ.  People who know them are turned off by their religious act because most can see through it.  I actually call the oldest one "Pope______ (name withheld for confidentiality compliance)" because she sets herself up as the ultimate religious authority in her family - in all honesty though, she lacks even basic knowledge of both theology and Biblical literacy, and it shows in her attitude.  In all honesty, if I were her - she is approaching her 69th birthday in a couple of months - I would be doing some serious auditing of my life and re-evaluating a few things.  The other "Queen" and the "Golden Boy" are also approaching their mid-60s as well, and they also should maybe rethink a few things.  This false religiosity is something I have seen in people before, and I devoted a whole chapter to it in my recent book. The lingo, the attitudes, and the crass lack of empathy they display are contradictory to anything remotely and genuinely Christian, and it is one reason I will refuse fellowshipping in any way with them.  I don't know if any of you have encountered these types, but if you do, get as far away from them as you can, because they are venomous snakes who will poison your soul if you allow them an open door into your life.  I know this was harsh, but it needed to be said.  These individuals may have their pastors fooled, they may have their friends fooled, but many of their own family see how they really are, and they just do not look that great in the eyes of their own blood relatives, much less their in-laws.  Ultimately though, it is God who will judge them if they don't fix all that, and if they continue on that trajectory, his words to them at the Final Judgment will be harsh - "Depart from me, for I never knew you."  That is a sobering thought which should be something we all keep in mind, and especially as one gets older, pondering that question should be part of the package.  All three of these people actually though hold to this idea of "once saved, always saved," an idea they incorporated from Calvinism and that is in reality bordering on heretical.  Oddly though, for someone they don't like, even if that person is more sincere in their faith than they are, it is easy for them to consign such a person to hell essentially and incorporates a phrase from popular Evangelicalism that means something different than it suggests - the phrase is "I'm praying for your salvation," but what that really means is "I hate your stinking guts."  People like them have a hard time imagining that someone they despise so much could actually be in heaven, because just like on earth, they exclude others who don't share their own sentiments or who they personally dislike.  Thankfully, God is bigger than that and far beyond the prejudices of fake religionists - he loves all and offers salvation to all who accept him. The problem is maybe the bitterness and unforgiveness they tenaciously cling onto in regard to people they personally don't like, and the opposite may be true for them.  Their enemies that they hate and despise may make it to heaven before they do.  The heaven they constructed within their own minds is thankfully not the true place of eternal reward, and thankfully that is the case - heaven would be a lonely place for them if they had the say-so over who gets into it.  And, in all honesty, a "heaven" of their construct is not something I want to be part of anyway - I want the real thing and not the wild utopian nonsense these "arbiters of salvation" carry around in their heads.  The bottom line is that fake Christians like the "Queens" are anything but Christian - if anything, they are in reality unwitting tools of Satan to destroy vulnerable people they cross paths with.   And, that leads to a personal story.

There is no question that the past four years or so have been perhaps some of the most challenging I have faced in my life.  After losing my marriage, my parents, a lot of my sources of income, and so much else, I have frankly taken a beating.  My ex and I though remain close, and she too has gone through some serious storms.  Recently, one of those came into her life, and she attempted to reach out to the "Queens" and the "Golden Boy" to get some help.  Now, family is supposed to be there for you, and judgment and condemnation, especially when one is already dealing with so much, is not warranted and can even cause more harm.  The response she got back from them was one of the most nasty and critical screeds I have ever heard from someone who is supposed to be a blood relative.  The three of them "conferred" to "prayerfully" consider my ex's need, and then they sent this long list of demands to her about needing to do this, and that, and they even tried to drag me into it (and after my divorce, they have no right nor business bothering me) by attacking my character.  Fortunately, another solution was found, and their help was not accepted thank goodness - God never wills for someone to sell their souls to Satan for help. These people seem to revel in the chance to control and manipulate everything in another's life, and they depersonalize even their own blood kin.  It is toxic, destructive, and it violates the dignity of personhood and individuality of another.  It also is cruel in that it really kicks a person while they are down in the first place, and far weaker people who have been attacked in this way (including by them) have been driven to suicide or a mental breakdown. In all honesty, I contemplated initiating a defamation suit against these three for their attitudes, and to be honest, that may be an option. While often it is a better option to be the "bigger person," there comes a point where an attacker will overstep boundaries and a lesson for them is merited.  So, I told my ex flat-out that if my name was brought up in a defamatory way again, I would plan on pursuing a legal injunction against them to shut them up once and for all.  Altruism is good in some cases, but there comes a point with certain individuals where the altruistic approach no longer is feasible - a more strident course of action to let the bullies know they can't do what they are doing any more needs to be implemented to give them a life lesson.  I am hoping it does not come to anything like that, but I am to the point where I am just sick and tired personally of putting up with bull guano from people like this, and I am ready to make my own stand against it. We will see what happens. 

Many people who attack others based on their own issues don't understand the experiences of the targets of their attacks.  They resort to personal defamation, accusations, and even gossip to justify their own bloodlust against their enemies.  I dealt with this a couple of weeks back in my mini-lesson about bearing false witness, and what my former in-laws have done is a classic case of this sin.  They don't know anything about me, nor have they attempted to get to know me over the years, yet they resort to these nasty attacks and faulty judgments to condemn me.  I have been through too much, and have also accomplished a lot, and to be honest their vitriol means nothing to me and nor should it.  But, when you are already facing other issues in your life, the last thing one needs is a bunch of micromanaging, venomous human buzzards trying to pick you apart when you are trying to recover from other adversities.  It means that the individuals engaged in such behavior lack empathy, grace, and even love for anyone outside themselves and their elite circle of groupthink.  In this case, my former in-laws were blessed with a pretty good life - they don't know the struggles others face, and they frankly don't care unless it means a tax write-off for them or something.  People like that can never be true servants, and in all honesty it also makes whatever Christianity they claim to have very sterile and weak on compassion but extremely heavy on judgment and self-righteousness.  If many of them were put into the same situations I have had to encounter over the years, they would not be able to survive.  They lack character also, because character is built through being able to overcome adversity and challenges in life.  I am - in a correct way - proud of where I came from, how I overcame many obstacles to get to where I am now, and what I have accomplished.  I have to remember and remind myself that we will always have enemies - not everyone will love us, and there is always someone out there ready to attack whether they have valid reasons or not.  The thing is, we cannot let our enemies destroy us like they want to, and we press on despite their venom and we overcome them too.  My former in-laws are my enemies - they have declared themselves as such, and they circle like the buzzards they are to try to pick me apart when they see an opportunity to attack any vulnerability. But, the best way to shield the vulnerability is to do as I have talked about over the past couple of weeks - recollection and self-assessment, as well as staying the course even when things get overwhelming.  We don't give our enemies an open door, and we don't let them dictate to us our own success or anything else.  Again, as a preacher said years ago and I fully live by, "our present position does not dictate our future potential."  May those be words to live by.

Thank you for allowing me to share again this week, and will see you next time!