Taking Some Pause

 I was not planning to write today - I am at work, and the coverage for absent teachers is rather light as well as my own students being at their work-study assignments today.  I have some time today to contemplate, and contemplation is the major thing right now.  As I am writing this, the campus minister is leading the Ignatian Daily Examen (and subsequent Prayer of Generosity) prayer, and although it encourages contemplation, all he does is talk, talk, talk...that prayer is kind of weak anyway in all honesty, as I don't think it was the intention of St. Ignatius of Loyola (who is a true saint and a holy man of God) to twist his prayer into some sort of stupid political statement as modern liberal Jesuits and their allies have done.  One line in the prayer is "to toil and not seek for rest," but I think the administration here takes that as a personal challenge against their teachers, as they rapidly burn us out.  We don't get much breathing space to recollect ourselves at this institution in all honesty, as they want to try to choke every moment with "retreats," "personal development days," and other garbage that in the greater scheme of things don't really do much.  You have to have that time to pause, to reflect, and to organize the barrage of thoughts which come into one's mind - it puts me in mind of Josef Pieper's concept of leisure as a good thing, and the acedia of mental clutter as a prison imposed on us by others.  Our minds, much like that junk drawer all of us have in our homes, get cluttered and there comes a point where organization is essential.  This is why we need true reflection, and not some obligatory "spiritual exercise" that just adds more clutter.  I mention all this today because it is integral to understanding the rest of the conversation.  And that is where our discussion is going today. 

I just went to get my morning coffee at the Royal Farms a street over from the school.  It is a bit overcast and misty out today, but I actually love that type of weather - rain to me is a sign of renewal, and I don't bemoan drizzly conditions.  Thinking of that, we often get things a bit mixed up in our lives - many people bemoan the rain, and worship the sunlight.  However, too much sun is not good either - it dries out the earth, and makes basic tasks insufferable.  In short, we need both, and that is the way God created our earth.  Recently, I have been feeling like I am in the middle of a bad dry spell - the sun beating down on me in the form of demands of life, etc., and no time to refresh or replenish.  Bottom line, I have no time often to pause, reflect, and recollect myself in a way that can restore focus.  Although I work at a good vocation that can have its own rewards - including monetary, as I have no complaints about my salary I receive - the problem with it is if you work for a place where there are ambivalent political and religious views, it can wear on you unless you have the refreshment of spiritual renewal to sustain your life.  This is where I am now, and I need to find a way to fix it somehow.  Let me just tell a couple of ways I want to do this.

One thing I love to do is talk to myself - I often can talk myself through situations, and in the process a lot of good ideas come to me.  I know the stigma of self-directed speech is that people think you are crazy, but in reality it is a good release.  I haven't been able to do as much of that in recent months, and I feel it.  I also journal, but haven't done that as often either - I need to get back into a regular routine of that.  Of course, in many instances these blogs as well as the life story project I update every year sort of are in lieu of my journal, but still - journals can be a refuge of sharing things you normally don't feel comfortable sharing in a more open venue like a blog.  There are my innermost thoughts, for instance, that many people would think I was either crazy or weird if I shared them, yet now that they are on paper, someone will probably read them after I am long gone  - it will matter little at that point though. Also, another thing with self-directed speech is that you can turn it into a prayer - I enjoy just conversating with God in an informal way, as God is in reality the closest friend I have and I can share anything with.  Being able to do that has transformed both my propensity to self-directed speech as well as my personal prayer life.  Maybe that is a key element - turning your thoughts into prayers directed to God.  It doesn't mean he is going to grant everything you desire, and it also doesn't mean you are going to get instant wisdom, but it is good to do that because it helps you to be open with your faith more.  I need to explore that deeper I think.

At this point, taking a pause is crucial as there are many things I am facing - the completion of my dental surgery, the possibility of buying my own home, exploring other career choices that may be more feasible for me, etc.  I also have an even bigger thing I am thinking about that entails overseas travel, but that will be a discussion at another time when it is ready to be discussed.  Nonetheless, my mind is constantly moving, and although perhaps a little reduction in speed is good, the better alternative is to channel and focus the barrage of thoughts in there in such a way solutions may be found and ideas may blossom. 

I just wanted to share that today, because it is integral to so much for me right now.  If you are going through something similar, find ways to pause, focus, and recollect - it will be the best favor you can do for yourself.  Thanks again, and will see you next time. 

Decisions and Thoughts

 As I write today, I am at home.  We were supposed to be at work at the school, but a light pole came down in front of the school so it was deemed unsafe to go, which in all honesty is a sort of blessing.  So, now that I am at home today, I wanted to take some time to reflect on the week ahead and also some things going through my mind.

As is the case this time of year, I am continuing my life story project.  I add information every year to it, and plan on doing so until I turn 60, at which point I will consider it finished.  There will no doubt be events and other things happening after I am 60 too, but I think at that point it is time to start finalizing documents and getting things typeset and such so that I can have a complete book by the time I retire.  Last week, I turned 56, so that means 4 more years to go before I start wrapping up a lot of current pursuits and begin to start collating work and making the bigger projects I have happen.  So, what do I want to happen before I turn 60 in four years?  Let's talk about it.

At this point, I have achieved a lot - I got my long-anticipated doctorate, I am finally in a career (teaching), and I took care of some health needs I  have, namely my dental issues.  The next big event on my agenda is getting my own house, which I am well on the way to doing at this point.  Getting a house is a process, as it takes time and you have a lot of steps to go through - you have to be pre-approved for a mortgage (done), you have to find a property you want (in progress), and then you have to come up with a down payment, go through the closing process, etc.  That can take a lot of time for it all to come together, as no one said owning a home was easy.  Having worked myself for many years in both the mortgage and title industries, I know this well.  My issue at this point is not my ability to own a home, but finding a home I can actually get.  That process had me thinking about a lot of things, and I have decisions to make.  Let me elaborate.

I have mentioned that I am starting to have some thoughts about looking elsewhere for employment, as a few things where I am currently at do concern me.  Back in my Pentecostal days, there was a practice known as "putting out a fleece," and it is based on the story of Gideon in Judges 6:36-40.  If you remember the narrative, Gideon was trying to figure out what to do as a conflict was immanent with an enemy, so he used a lamb fleece to seek God's direction.  As the story goes, if the fleece was damp with dew, it meant a go-ahead to engage the enemy and Gideon would prevail.  If the fleece was dry, it meant that God was saying no to war, and it meant that preparation was necessary before engaging the enemy.  This process, if I recall from the story, was done 3 times until by the third God had completely allowed the fleece to be saturated with dew, and Gideon practically wrung out a bucket of water from it the next morning.  It was his sign to do battle, and he won because he had God's direction.  In Pentecostal tradition, this idea of "fleecing the Lord" is often used to discern a major decision, and while I am not sure where it came from in the Pentecostal tradition, I myself have even utilized it.  The idea of the fleece is not to practice some type of superstition or divination, but rather to seek a clear sign of direction from God on a big decision that needs to be made.  I personally don't see anything wrong with the practice, as I have done it myself, but it is definitely a topic of debate among some Christian circles.  I am actually putting this into practice now for myself, as I want to do the right thing, and decisions should never be taken lightly.  As a committed Christian myself, I see the fleece tradition as a way to really rely on God for wisdom, so it has a legitimate ground.  The fleece I have out right now has to do with that sort of important direction, and let me explain how mine is set up.

It is no secret that there are two facts about my life that are true at the same time.  One, I hate living in inner-city Baltimore, but at this point I have no options.  Secondly, while teaching high school is a good way to build experience on a resume as well as having its own fulfillment in other ways, where I am teaching at now provides some unique challenges for me that at times can be overwhelming.  I won't go into those, but my fleece entails both of these situations.   Essentially, what I am seeking God's direction on is where to move - the need to get out of this inner-city place is non-negotiable, as it was meant as only a stepping-stone to where I should be.  However, the question is where to go now?  My fleece is therefore set up something like this - if God wants me to continue to teach where I am at, he will open the door to get me a place in a more desirable community that is conveniently close.   If God has other plans, then that door will open as well.  Because we live in a linear universe where time is a factor, the time frame I am placing on this fleece is the end of the school year, which will be at the beginning of June next year.  I have to know something by that point, and have a clear direction as to what I need to do.  However, two facts are clear.  One, getting out of this place.  And two, continuing my career without interruption in income, etc.  This motivation has led me to explore some options, a few I may not have considered before, so I will elaborate.

In all honesty, I am not necessarily bound to the Baltimore metro area for a future home or career, and am definitely open to relocating someplace else should a door open.  Just yesterday, as a matter of fact, as I was looking at potential homes, somehow I ended up looking at Brunswick, GA.  I don't have an overwhelming desire to move back south or anything, and in order for something like that to happen, it would need to be extremely good and fall into place.  In all honesty though, I am content to stay within the tri-state area (MD-VA-WV) and if anything, I would love to move back closer to West Virginia.  When I lived in Hagerstown, overall I was comfortable there, and to be honest had an opportunity come my way then I would have stayed.  Being in inner-city Baltimore right now often feels to me like I am living in a foreign country.   I know that just a little ways outside of the city are communities I would feel better in, but the second part of the equation comes into play, and that is opportunity. In order to initiate a move like that, I would need security of work, income, and feasibility for other aspects of life. Those are fleece conditions I have in mind with what I am seeking.  If the doors open up, hopefully I can have a clear vision of what to do and where to go.   That is the deciding factor in all this.  And thus, my dilemma.  

Overall, 2025 has been a sort of a recovery year for me - I got out of debt, I managed to get a lot of what I lost restored, and I have the job I always wanted, although not exactly where I wanted it.  I am starting to take care of some things I needed to take care of for some time (especially my dental work) and there is a sense of accomplishment doing so.  But, I still just don't feel quite myself yet.  Also, there is another more personal reason I wanted this to all come together, and although I am not at liberty to share it yet, it is a big step in my personal life too.  Hopefully that too will come together soon as well.  

That is essentially where I am at this week, and also is sort of looking like where my year may be ending at this point as 2026 is now on the horizon.  I am hoping to have a lot of good news to report soon, and for those of you who pray that read this, please remember me.  Thanks again, and hope everyone has a good week.  See you next time. 

The Crossroads of Decisions

 I have a weird, enigmatic title for this week because a lot is going on in my mind right now.  I am starting to second-guess my career choices based on a lot of inconsistencies I have seen, and I am also looking into the possibility of a new home soon, as thankfully I was conditionally approved for a mortgage.  I am also still healing up from my recent dental work, and am getting accustomed to my dentures - they still feel like I have a wad of gum lodged in the roof of my mouth, and eating is still an adjustment, but we are getting there.  I am quite excited that I was able to eat two small pork chops last night, and a piece of fried chicken last Thursday, but I am not quite there to handle some of my favorite foods yet, such as pizza and my beloved Slim Jims - and I really miss Slim Jims at this point, as they are frankly addicting.  I want to go on a rabbit trail about that for a moment.

I have always loved Slim Jims since I was a kid, but who doesn't?   Back when I was younger, there were other flavors of them you can't find nowadays either, such as pizza, pepperoni, and a few others.  Of course, they have introduced some other gross flavors (one is dill pickle - seriously?  That makes me vomit a bit in my mouth thinking about it, as it is a major desecration of a beloved snack).  I say get rid of the dill pickle nonsense and bring back pizza Slim Jims.  One good memory I have of that was back when I was about 7 years old.  My mom used to like to do long drives, and one thing we would do on a long drive like that was snack as we rode.  The snacks were nice - longhorn cheese and pepperoni sticks from the local country stores, those foil-bagged Snyders potato chips (they had a fresh taste to them that was nice too), and other local delights.  Among those were flavored Slim Jims, including the pizza ones which came in a sort of basil-green box (the pepperoni ones came in a pine green box).  This was back in the day as well when Slim Jims were sold in aluminum cans of 24, and that is something I miss as well.  As a younger adult, there was an equally delicious beef stick called the Bridgeford 8-foot, and those were actually better than the Slim Jims - they were super-dry, and I could go through a whole 8-foot package in a relatively short time.  They unfortunately stopped making those too.  It amazes me that these dumb corporations discontinue things people enjoy, and then they introduce inferior substitutes for them.  This is another reason why the big corporations need to go. 

And that leads me to something I haven't really engaged with, but need to.  The issue under discussion is illegal immigration, and it is perhaps the biggest hot-button political issue in the US right now.  The school I work at, a private Catholic school administered by Jesuits, is all on-board with promoting this, and at times they get a bit overboard with it.  Even our fairly conservative Dominican parish had a perspective in the parish bulletin this week I mildly disagreed with - our parish priest said that in many cases the illegals are invited.  That is a fair observation, but that begs the question - who invited them?  Let me set the record straight up-front though because for those of us who oppose unrestricted illegal immigration, we often get accused of things we don't actually advocate.  For instance, many of us have no problem with legal immigration, as that is following the letter of the law.  If our Church officials are so concerned about immigrants, then why not offer them help to follow the law?  By encouraging the breaking of a reasonable law, the Church sins unfortunately, and that is not the witness we need to project to the world.  Call it "civil disobedience" if you want, but encouraging the breaking of national law is not a Christian value.  That being said, here is a second thing we are often misunderstood about.  We are not necessarily for arresting and deporting anyone who has brown skin or a Spanish accent - that is just stupid, and I don't think any decent human being advocates that.  As a matter of fact, we should definitely show compassion for them, and they can be fed, housed, and educated provided two things.  First, it cannot displace actual citizens - a nation that denies its citizens and then caters to illegals is in essence like a deadbeat parent, and that sort of governance will fail.  Second, while we help these people with fundamental needs, we also should be encouraging them to follow the legal process - being in the US is a privilege and not a fundamental right, and like every other nation, American law needs to be respected and followed too.  If there are people who genuinely are refugees from oppression, we should help them for sure, but work within the framework provided.  So, yes, be kind to the immigrant, respect them as human beings, but also let's keep in mind there are laws in place for a reason, and every other nation on the planet has similar laws.  

There is also the caliber of immigrant too - for hard-working families who can potentially enrich our nation, we should assist and provide them with opportunities to become full citizens because they will make a positive contribution to our nation and we should encourage that.  However, among all those who are sincerely seeking a better life, there are also terrorists, MS-13 gang criminals and other malcontents who do no one any good.  Those types will ruin a nation, and they do no viable service to a country.  As a matter of fact, they need to be locked away from any civilized society in a gulag somewhere because they are evil, parasites, and don't belong, and they are the ones making things more difficult for other immigrants who do have a legitimate reason for coming here.  This is why I am all for stricter immigration policies, but at the same time we do so with nuance and a level of empathy - crack down hard on terrorists and criminals, and encourage decent immigrants to pursue legal means to remain here.  That is hard for some on the political Left to digest, as they seem to encourage criminals, but it is the only viable way to handle the issue.  And that leads to something else I wanted to discuss.

I am a bit concerned, working among some very liberal Catholic colleagues, with how some things are being twisted into political statements rather than carrying the spiritual meaning they were intended to have.  What comes to mind is Our Lady of Guadalupe, which is a powerful symbol of Marian devotion.  The appearance of Our Lady at Guadalupe in 1531 had at its core one important message - the salvation of souls.  She appeared as a sign pointing 10 million Indians to the Savior of their souls, and as a result perhaps one of the biggest religious renewals in history happened.  In time, it did transform society too, but not in the way some Catholic Leftists imagine.  The typical Leftist has tried to turn Guadalupe into a political statement - it is, for them, about indigenous rights.   Honestly, this is wrong, and here is why - many of the indigenous practices of that time were demonic.  That was a time when the Aztecs were either ripping the beating hearts out of other human beings, or they were wearing the flayed skin of other victims until it rotted off of them.  The masses then were enslaved.  While there was some abuse on the part of the Spaniards, this was not what Guadalupe was primarily in response to - that became a legitimate justice issue later.  Guadalupe was about the salvation of souls, the souls of a whole continent which at the time did not have the light of Christ, and God's grace was shown through Our Lady's appearance because of John 3:16, and not because of Marx's Das Kapital.  If someone is trying to politicize something sacred like that, they are guilty of the worst kind of desecration, and the Catholic "Liberation Theologian" is no different than Antiochus Epiphanes when he desecrated the Second Temple by sacrificing a pig in the Holy of Holies.  This is why "Liberation Theology" has been rightly condemned, and should still be so.  I give all this as background information about my decisions I need to make. 

I have been starting to reassess my tenure at this particular school I work at for several reasons, with the religious liberalism being a key one but there are others too I won't get into here.  I value and cherish sound Catholic education, but I feel restrained here to carry it out because a lot of the sentiment here seems to contradict it.  I have begun putting some feelers out, and we will see where it takes us.  For those reading this who are praying people, please remember me, as I can use a lot of divine guidance on this.   It has been weighing on me for a while now, and I am just at a point where something needs to change quickly.  I was just talking with another colleague a few minutes ago who expressed similar sentiments - when a school has the potential of creating a revolving door of faculty, something is sadly amiss.  So, it may be time to explore other options but much remains to be seen.  

I think I have pontificated enough today, and as we get close to the end of this year, I will add an occasional thought here or there to supplement.  Thanks for joining me again, and will see you soon. 

This Week's Reflections

 I originally was going to post something else this week, but decided against it due to the sensitive nature of it and the possibility of some unwanted blowback.   I will save that draft for the book instead.  

This has been a hectic week with a lot to adjust to.  My recent dental procedure has radically altered my eating habits at this point, and it was a major accomplishment last night when I was able to actually eat a piece of fried chicken!  I am ready to heal up from that, get adjusted to my new denture, and get back to life again - this became more complicated than I thought it would be.   However, on the positive, I got some much-needed dental care, and in a way that is a burden that is relieved. 

Aside from dental adjustments, it has also been a crazy week at work too.  We had what are called three-way parent/teacher conferences yesterday, and with the exception of one nasty woman who was just, well, a pain in my backside, those were relatively smooth.  We got to go in at 11 yesterday, but we stayed there until 7 at night - we do that at our particular school every year, so it is part of the routine.  Then, thanks to the merciful foresight of our principal, we got to do our professional development day from home, which was nice.  Then, there is tomorrow, when we have to go in for 3 hours to the school open-house which is also another pain-in-the-rear aspect of academic life here, but that too should be relatively uneventful (provided there are no more hostile parents like the one I had to deal with yesterday!).  Sunday then is my birthday, and after I get two days off, then back Wednesday, during which time our students will be at CWSP that day, and Thursday and Friday will wrap up the week.  Soon, it will be Thanksgiving week, and we get some time off then too, and a couple of weeks later it will be the start of Christmas break at that point.  That gets us halfway through our year then.  The second half of the year will be as follows once we are back in January.

From the time we get back in January from holiday break until about Easter week in April, it will be pretty mundane.  We will have that punctuated with occasional snow days, as is standard that time of year.  The time between the beginning of January and the beginning of April is perhaps the most mundane part of the year - not a lot goes on, it's pretty much a normal classroom routine, and it can be taxing.  We have a few holidays in between to break the monotony though, as well as CIP and asynchronous days, so it will be manageable.  And there is the Day of Service in March - this year I am not digging ditches again either - I think I will take our senior History teacher's cue and plant seeds at the Franciscan farm instead.  After Easter then, things start to ramp into high gear again as we begin the mad rush toward the end of the academic year.   The time between mid-April and early June is about as busy as it is between September and December at the beginning, but we also have a long summer break coming which helps.  All of this leads to a couple of things I am pondering at this point.

Although I have gained valuable experience teaching at this school, I am really thinking about other opportunities at this point.  The school workload is stressful, the student demographic is a bit too challenging at times, and then there are ideological differences with some of the other faculty and staff.  Despite being a nominally Catholic institution, our school has a large spectrum of teachers, and many of them lean a little left-of-center ideologically and politically, making me feel like a fish out of water at times.  Living back in Baltimore is almost like living in a foreign country to me anyway, as I don't feel as comfortable here as I did in both Hagerstown as well as in Florida.   That realization has led me to contemplate something else that is in the works as well, and I wanted to touch on that now.

Getting out of the city is a huge desire for me now - I technically never wanted to live in the middle of Baltimore anyway, and only did so because of work.  However, I am at a place both with credit and income that I can for once explore some options of home ownership, and later today I have a phone conference with a lender about the possibility of this happening.  I have already been pre-approved for two mortgage loans already, and it's just technically a matter of tying together some loose ends to make a purchase happen.  I am looking at White Marsh, as well as nearby Middle River, to see what is there for me and we'll see what happens.  I will know more later after my phone conversation with my potential lender, and will follow up later also. 

I am also on the verge of my 56th birthday, which is coming up Sunday.   As I approach my 57th year of life on this earth, a lot is on my mind - I feel the aging process catching up to me (especially with this dental work) and I have had to face some very obvious truths about my own limitations at this point in my life - what do I want to do, and more importantly, am I able to do it?? That question leaves me with more questions at times, and in all honesty I do feel a bit overwhelmed.  I think once the dust settles and things fall into place, I will begin to see a clearer picture.  And, my goodness, I hope that happens soon!

Well, those are my thoughts for this week, so I will see you next time. 

My Visit to the Dentist

 I am normally not in the best condition to write today, as I am not feeling the greatest.   After some very extensive dental work yesterday, I have an upper denture now that makes me feel like I have a wad of gum on the roof of my mouth, and I haven't been able to eat solid food in over 24 hours.  I am told by other people that have these that you eventually get used to them, and God, I hope so!  Mind you, this has been my first visit to a dentist in about 50 years, so it was intense.  

I found a really good downtown dental practice - Inner Harbor Dental Associates - that did my work for me.  This was actually my third visit, as the first two entailed sticking things into my mouth and taking a 3-d image of my whole array of teeth.  They do this to custom-make the denture to fit, so I guess that is good.  Yesterday though the real work started.  My teeth had gotten so bad that I had maybe four of them left on top, and they all needed extraction.  That in itself is an experience, as I had a nasty reaction to the local anesthetic they use.  Let's talk about that first.

I don't know what it is, but for many years I have had two related problems.  The first is due to the fact that I have had some scary breathing attacks which result in extreme stridor (The loud "heep-heep-heep" sound you make when you cannot catch your breath).  Along with that, I have a very sensitive gag reflex - just about anything can cause it from flavorless gum to this denture I am wearing, and it is not pleasant either.  I don't know why I have either of these issues, but I would like to do something about them to stop the risk at least.  If any of you reading this know of something, please feel free to reach out as I am up for trying it. 

My dental procedure took approximately 3 hours yesterday.  The remainder of my top teeth were extracted, and then the holes stitched.  I was bleeding profusely, and even today I can still taste some blood in my mouth.   While the anesthetic was effective to where I didn't feel any pain, I did feel the crunching of the removing teeth and also I felt the pressure as the dentist extracted them.  Many of them were just pieces of roots, but there was a whole table full of them when I finished.  And, I could taste also - the blood, as well as some weird liquid that reminded me of either stale tobacco, old coffee, or rancid hazelnuts - I am wondering if that came out of me?  The whole experience was not overall bad (save from that initial local anesthetic) but the adjustment after was a challenge.  I have to wear this new denture for 24 hours straight - I can take it out when I get home - and that meant I could not eat regular food - my dinner last night was chicken stock essentially.  I was told by the dental technician that it will take a while to adjust, but I really want some real food - with only liquids for the past couple of days, I am feeling it.  I know this will pass soon, but my goodness it is difficult!   I guess though that dental health is a sacrifice, both physically and financially (I have paid close to $2500 into this already in all honesty).  And, I still have the bottom part to do yet in January - that will involve root canals, crowns, and a partial.  So, why did I have to go through this?  Let's go back to the beginning.

The last dentist I saw was about 50 years ago in 1975 not too far from where I am sitting now - he was an old dentist named Dr. Schreiber, and he was the one who took care of my baby teeth then.  I remember he gave me those in a little tooth-shaped plastic case, and I had them for a while until they started to really smell and then someone threw them out.  Over the years, I have made a point of keeping my teeth if they come out, and currently between my house now and my stuff in storage I maybe have a dozen or more of them.  I was thinking about asking the dentist to keep mine from yesterday, but in all honesty it was the last question on my mind as I was too much in a weird state - pain, the discomfort of the new denture, and a bit of fear too.  So, they are more than likely now disposed of (besides, who keeps their extracted teeth anyway??).  As of today, I am guessing Dr. Schreiber is long gone - he was as old as dirt when he treated me then in all honesty.  I still remember though his practice being somewhere over on West Pratt Street on the other side of Pigtown, and dental technology has come a long way since - Inner Harbor is a lot different in all honesty.  In many respects, it is probably better as a lot of the old stigma of drills and other formidable dental tools is not as big of a deal anymore, and thank God for that.  And, this being looked at in retrospect, yes, I have regrets.

My biggest regret is perhaps not getting dental care sooner - I really should have been doing regular dental checkups since my first visit to Dr. Schreiber, but Mom never cared when I was younger and I never had the time to invest in it when I was older.  My first problem tooth happened when I was 18 years old in my lower jaw - I remember having a bad abscess that made my face puff out, and my poor English teacher there felt so bad for me that she was going to get me to a dentist herself.  But, a combination of a couple of surefire home remedies  - one being warm salt water and the other being a rather unconventional treatment called Square Snuff, a "granny snuff" that came in a tiny can, and it looked like cocoa powder.  The old lady we took care of at the time, Myrtle, used it, and so did my paternal grandmother.  The trick to the remedy was to take a Q-tip, dip a little of the snuff on it, and apply it right in the cavity where the abscess was.  The acid in the snuff would break through the abscess, and it then would drain this horrible pus that tasted awful in your mouth, but once that happened the nerve of the tooth was dead and there was no more pain.  Of all the tooth issues though, an abscess is absolutely the worst.  Let me explain it. 

Think of a tooth abscess as being like a painful boil at the root of a tooth.  It fills up with pus, and as it does, it bears on the dental nerve and the pain is excruciating.   In due time it will break anyway, but most people want those things gone immediately, as the pain is perhaps one of the worst a member of the human race can experience.  As the abscess grows, it also causes swelling in the face, and if it is really serious it can even block your eyeball, as mine did in 12th grade when I had my first.  I haven't had any that bad since, and honestly, that is a blessing.  In recent years my teeth have gotten much more fragile though, and over the past 20 years I gradually lost a lot of them, many in the past 5 years or so. A lot of them just gave way while I was eating - a cold Snickers or Starburst would crack a fragile tooth like a thin egg.  You then know it happens when you feel something crunchy in your mouth, and you know it ain't peanuts from that Snicker's Bar you just had.  Then you spit it out - little pieces of enamel, with often some black or brown stuff (dead pulp) inside them.  Then you had the sharp edge of the remaining shell of what was once a tooth, and that can cut one's lips or the inside of the cheek.  Any rate, you have probably been mortified at this, but I felt like sharing today.

Thanks again until next time, and pray for my quick recovery.  

When the Grind Invades Your Dreams

 I have talked before about the importance and significance of our dreams, as we are often too quick to dismiss them.   Dreams serve two purposes - first, they reflect our subconscious mind, and secondly they can also be a means of spiritual insight.  Not every dream is a prophetic message, let me be clear, but in cases where dreams have a pattern, there is something more to pay attention to.  I have noticed this in my own dream patterns recently, and wanted to talk about it this week.

Last night, I had a series of dreams where I was hearing my alarm sound, and in one or two cases I either overslept or got up too early.  The reason for this type of dream is simple - it means I am experiencing some level of stress, and that the daily routine is beginning to affect me.  It is one reason why I am also scheduling a couple of PTO days at my job in the next couple of weeks, because I feel like I may need to have a bit of relief - the school I work at has been running us ragged recently, with a lot going on, and I am starting to feel that in a profound way.   And, my dreams are starting to reflect that as well.  So, let me reiterate some earlier information about dreams just to bring this into context.

A dream is at its core a psychological mechanism.  Dreams interpret, amalgamate, and reflect our lives, our experiences, and whatever happens to be on our minds before we sleep.  Of course, we also do on occasion have the "pepperoni pizza dreams" too which are the result of eating something too heavy before bed, and that can be an experience in itself.  Therefore, naturally our mental state has a lot of bearing on our dreams, and we see that in what we dream too.  

This is not the first time I have had odd dreams about alarms going off - dreaming about waking up.  It has happened before during other high-stress periods of my life too, even as far back as elementary school.  Usually the dream entails a waking-up sequence, followed by a sense of dread or urgency at the time, and on occasion it even entails falling back to sleep.  This is what I was doing last night in my dreams, and it was insane.  At one point, I actually did wake up to look at my clock, and it was 4:22 AM - about 98 minutes before I normally get up.  I fell back to sleep, and the dream happened again.  When the alarm on my cell phone finally did go off, it was not as much of a shock though despite the fact I really did not want to get up.  My alarm is fascinating too, as it has become a symbol of dread and routine.

In this day of everyone having personal cell phones, and the fact that any task can be easily carried out on one, it is no surprise that an alarm feature is on our phones.  Mine plays this British Kensington-like tune when it goes off, and I suppose that is better than the loud beeping or buzzing. However, there are days I have grown to despise the sound of that song.  Especially in the chaotic weeks that have encompassed the month of October at work, and November is going to prove to be as challenging as a couple of intense weeks are on the horizon for November.  Which is why, thanks to my employer giving us a number of PTO days, I am taking advantage.  They are there to use, and although I don't make a habit of it, I need to at this point.  Retirement will come in the near future, and it cannot be soon enough. 

Onto other better news for the week, it looks like I may be on the verge of owning my first house!  I was pre-approved for a small mortgage last week, and I found a place that I will be looking at this coming week.  In all honesty, I hate living in the inner city, and this place I am looking into is conveniently outside of the city in the nearby community of White Marsh, which is a nice area.   It is conveniently close to the city without being in the city.  I will share more details on that later as everything comes together.

Also, this week I am having some much-needed dental work done, as it is long overdue.  I am both glad to get it taken care of but also not thrilled about the procedure, but it will be worth it in the long run.  I have had this constant pang in my conscience to take better care of myself, so I am taking measures to do that.  It has been over 50 years since I last saw a dentist, and ironically that was in Baltimore as well - it was a dental practice over on West Pratt Street operated by Dr. Schreiber, who then was as old as dirt when he took care of me and he is more than likely long gone now.  My teeth are frankly a mess, so getting them taken care of is long overdue.  Wednesday will be the third of five appointments I will be going to that will facilitate the process.  Getting my dental needs taken care of is also a big accomplishment for the year, and I will revisit that in my end-of-year post at the beginning of December. 

As I get ready to celebrate my 56th birthday in a couple of weeks, I am feeling my age now more than ever.  People often associate us Gen-Xers with slacker teens of the 1980s, but in reality, we are the old folks now.  It's a little hard to reconcile myself in all honesty, because a part of me still feels young and it is perhaps that part of me that keeps me going.  I am now on a pill regimen too - I take a mess of supplements and a blood pressure pill every day, as well as a bunch of chewables - multivitamin, calcium, and stress relief - every day.  At night, I generally take melatonin for sleep, Tylenol for joint pain, and Benadryl for sinus issues, and that is a normal routine for me now.  I am not as sure at times about the Benadryl and Tylenol, but they seem to help somewhat.  And, when I am now looking at weekly obituaries to see if people I know have passed, it has become sort of a morbid hobby for me.  Just this week as a matter of fact a guy who was a few years behind me in school by the name of Shawn passed on.   I didn't know him well when we were in school over 40 years ago, but never had an issue with him either.  In recent years he had been having several health issues though, including some cardiac procedures he needed done.  I guess after so much of that the body gives out, and that is what happened to this poor guy too.  It is odd, because the last time I recall seeing him was when he was a gangly 7th-grader during the year I was a junior in high school.  Our school then consisted of both a high school and a middle school, and the middle schoolers were housed in a newer section of the building on the other side of the auditorium (all of that has pretty much been torn down now, especially since my alma mater closed many years back).  And that leads me to another observation I have noted as well.

Almost all of the schools I went to in elementary, middle, and high school are closed now, save a few bigger ones.  The high school I graduated from, East Preston in Terra Alta, WV, closed almost 30 years ago.   My elementary school, Grassy Lick in Kirby, WV, closed in the early 2000s.  The middle school I attended, Romney Jr. High School in Romney, WV, is now moved from its original location and housed on the original campus is the county board of education offices.  My first-grade school, Hamrick Elementary in my hometown of Hendricks, also closed years ago and now stands abandoned.  So many schools in my home state of West Virginia have either closed, consolidated, or just faded away, and I am wagering that a number of my former teachers are also long gone too - there are still many of them around, as I talk on a regular basis with several of them as they are now senior colleagues now that I am an educator myself.  But still, my obituary book continues to grow, and I am thinking I may need to start a new volume soon.  

That begs a question as well - I wonder how many obituaries I will have by the time my number comes up?  It is truly a sobering reality when you start to realize that you are now the senior citizen in the room, and for many of my generation, that is still a huge thing to grasp. But, life goes on, and soon it will be the Gen-Zers who will be tomorrow's senior citizens.  

Thank you for allowing me to share vignettes of my life, and will see you again soon. 

Dealing WIth a Few Pet Peeves

 The complexities of being an individual do amaze me, especially when I look at myself.  I have a lot of these little things called pet peeves.  We all have them in some form or another, and they will drive the person who has them nuts.  I am going to share a few with you today that are on my "Top Ten" list.

The first one has to do with my music collection, and it automatically comes to mind because a lot of people honestly don't have a clue as to why I listen to the music I love and they tend to trivialize or sentimentalize it a lot.  For instance, there are well-meaning people - and they are generally nice people too who don't even realize that their insights on this sort of thing are like nails on a chalkboard to me - who have no idea as to what a big band is, and the only name they seem to come up with is Glenn Miller.  Now, don't get me wrong - Glenn Miller is a legend, and I have an ample amount of his material in my own collection.  However, when I mention I collect vintage big band records, I get comments like this - "Oh, I have a Glenn Miller CD in my garage."   Ummm...OK, glad you like Glenn Miller, but really??  I don't even know why that rubs me the wrong way, but it does.  Let me just give some friendly advice about that - you don't have to relate to my interest, even if it is just a casual familiarity on your part.  If I divulge to you for some reason that I like my type of music I listen too, just say something like "Oh, that's cool," and that will suffice - you don't have to suddenly recall the Glenn Miller CD you picked up at a garage sale somewhere for a quarter to impress me.  I probably wouldn't be too impressed with it anyway, as a lot of knockoff labels have reissued "In the Mood" about 25 million times over the past 30 years, so I already know that certain Glenn Miller songs are readily available.  Those CDs are not even collectable, as they are a dime a dozen.  If you want to really impress me, show me a recording with a Glenn Miller solo from the late 1920s with the Mound City Blue Blowers or Ben Pollack's orchestra - then we will talk.  That is the stuff that gets a real collector's attention, not a cheap CD you find in Walmart or Dollar General that is not even that well-made.  And, that is not just me - any serious collector of any genre of music will pretty much tell you the same thing.   Just keep that in mind if the issue of music comes up. 

Another pet peeve I have is calling people something they are not.  I have a good friend I love like a brother I never had, but he consumes televangelism like Carter consumed liver pills.  I get kind of aggravated at him when he says about a certain televangelist - let's say for argument and sanguinity Perry Stone - is a "great theologian."  The term "theologian" gets bandied about a lot, especially from hyper-charismatics, as they think anyone with an honorary degree is a "theologian."  You just don't call people theologians who display a deficiency in knowledge of key theological concepts, and you also cannot just call yourself one either - it sounds pretentious and stupid in all honesty.  As my good friend Desmond Birch (who is a real Catholic theologian) said, it's not a mantle you either take on yourself or casually call someone who doesn't have the pedigree to back it up.  Any fool can quote a Bible verse or read Dake's notes, but an actual theologian is shaped by years and years of intense study, and also must be academically recognized.  My friend has even tried to call me one at times, and I am quick to remind him that I am not a theologian - my doctorate is in History, not Theology.  I can say I am theologically informed, in that I know what I believe and can argue my position, but I would never call myself a theologian though.  People will say all sorts of stuff and call themselves anything to get attention at times, and it's a form of vanity to do so.  And, when you bestow such titles on others who didn't merit them in any way, it does a disservice to the true theologians and others who work hard to live out their vocations.  

A third and final pet peeve I will deal with today is the idea of a Karen.  We all know who these people are - they drip entitlement, and they somehow think that micromanaging everyone else's lives and sticking their big noses in other people's business is a civic duty.  In the community we live in, we have one of those unfortunately - her name is Mary, and she is an elderly Black lady who lives about two doors down from us.  She is always texting our landlord about this, that, or the other about our house, and in all honesty it gets old - the woman needs to find more hobbies to round out her day in all honesty.  In the past, we just called these people "old biddies," but the term Karen seems to fit them better.  If I am paying for my own home, and have my own life, I want to be left alone to live, and I have no time for people with no stake in my life to stick their fat noses in where they don't belong.  As I get older, I also am shorter on grace with these people, as I see them as an infection upon daily life.  Time for a nice innoculation against Karens, and mine is my own short level of patience.  

Those are just a few of my personal pet peeves.  As I said, we all have them, and some of you may even share the same ones I have.   Thanks again for allowing me to share, and I will see you next time.