The New Chapter

As I write this, I am doing so in the middle of one of the biggest cities in the nation - Baltimore.  I am no stranger to Baltimore, as I actually spent my kindergarten year atttending Stuart Hill Academy nearby on Gilmor Street back in 1975 (my goodness, that was almost 50 years ago!).  The Baltimore I knew then was a big city too, but a large number of our family lived over near Wilkins Avenue on the west end of town.  As I accepted the job of Theology teacher at Christo Rey Jesuit High School and we also had to do an unplanned move a few weeks back, a number of circumstances have led to me being here now.  This is my first day here actually, as I moved in last night, and my feelings are mixed about this right now.  For one, I am really actually going to miss the more laid-back ambience of Hagerstown, about 65 miles west of here, and this is the first time I have lived in the middle of a big city in over 20 years (the last being St. Petersburg, FL).  There are many emotions going through me as I write this - a sentimentality of the past, a heaviness of not having Barbara still close by (she is in Rockville), a little nervousness about starting this new position on the 4th, a little fear about the neighborhood (there were fights outside last night that were disturbing, and the gang graffiti is not something I am too happy about), and yet I am also somewhat excited about the possibilities at the same time.  My life has been dismantled, reassembled, and much of the dust created by it still hasn't settled yet.  Yet, there is also a reassurance - God has been in all of this, and I feel him with me in everything right now.  That assures me that I am on the right track at least and this is something totally different than I have ever experienced in my life.  It has been a lot to take in, and as a historian I make some parallels to certain things which relate.  Let me get into one of those now.

I am a student of late Roman antiquity, as the "fall" of the Roman Empire in AD 476 is a fascinating subject.  I have watched documentaries on that, read many books on the topic, and it was one of the three areas I was exploring for a dissertation when I was completing my Ph.D.  The thing about ancient Rome is that in reality it never actually "fell."  The Eastern part of the Empire lasted for another thousand years, and in the West, a series of entities kept the legacy of Rome alive politically up to the end of World War I.  Original Roman Empire faded and somewhat disintegrated, but the pieces were picked up by subsequent kingdoms and it lived on.  My life too is like that right now.  I lost a lot in this move - while I believe I salvaged about 60% of what I wanted to keep, I still had substantial losses of things.  But, the spirit of what inspired me to collect the books and music I once had still lives strong within me, and I will rebuild at some point.  When I signed my lease for this place with a very nice landlord named Andy last night, a new chapter was opened in my life.  It is not starting out like much now - I have only a room to claim as my dominion as compared with a whole house just a couple of months ago, and the integral aspects of my life are at this point stored in a container in Martinsburg almost 2 hours away.  I have few resources - mostly just my clothes, my food, and a few things I need - and money will be tight at least until I earn my first paycheck in mid-November.  But, from humble beginnings will arise great things, and this is in essence a fresh start, a new beginning, and to be honest there is a level of excitement about it amidst the apprehension and fear I am feeling now.  Also, unlike my stay in motels over the past three weeks, at least I don't have to worry at this point about not knowing where I will sleep another night - I am good here for a while, and that takes a lot of burden away.  In time, I will have a home of my own again, and with the salary I am going to be making from my new teaching position, that could happen in a matter of months.  But, for now, it is in my best interest to just allow for some recovery and to begin to get things back in order again, and that will take a little time.  

Looking at this place I am in - it is an old Baltimore rowhouse, brick on the outside and stucco walls on the inside - I obviously have many thoughts running through my head.  I am sharing the place with two other guys.  One, Joel, is a stonemason by trade and is a middle-age man with a blue collar demeanor.  The other, Jason, is a young Mexican-American student who I actually had the pleasure of talking to, and turns out he is a nice young man and I think we will all get along well.  The landlord, Andy, is a very empathetic man who also displays a strong faith and he has been in the business of refurbishing these rowhouses for a number of years (he is my age actually).  Now the neighborhood leaves much to be desired - this is inner Baltimore, and because it has somewhat of a reputation, I am not planning on staying at this place very long (maybe a couple of months at the most).  But, it's a roof over my head, and I will make the best of it, especially when I start earning a little more income soon and can begin to establish some sort of life again.  I do really miss Barbara though, but thankfully she is fairly close by too.  We are talking about eventually having our own place again, as I don't think God wants us to be apart from each other and we still need to rely on each other for so many things.  So, we will see what happens.

Another asset of this place is that it is not the Motel 6 anymore thank goodness!  Being in that motel for almost the better of three weeks was one of the most hellish experiences I have ever faced, and I never want to go through anything like that again!  However, God used many good people to help me during all that, and I am thankful for each and every one of them.  I may be still relying on a little help from someone until my first check comes in, but at least it won't be a day-to-day battle for survival like it was there.  I also do have all the animals with me except the birds - all three cats, and my rabbit Zoe.  I am thinking about rehoming Zoe, and pray to God I can do so soon.  Although I love that little bunny, she is becoming a huge responsibility that is hard for me to handle, and she needs a more secure home.  If I do keep her, it will also cost me more here too.  So, my prayer is that she has a potential family that will adopt her.  Then, in all reality, I will have just my two cats (Lily and Tippy) as well as taking care of Mickey for Barbara until she can get a place to take him herself.  Pets do complicate things unfortunately, but they are also blessings in themselves too as they give much-needed companionship when one feels so alone. 

So, as it stands, a new chapter has begun, just in time for my 55th birthday, and many details are still coming together for me even as I am writing this now.  This is just the opening paragraph of that chapter, so we have yet to see how it will come together.  I have to keep reminding myself that God ultimately has this, and that he would not bring me this far for nothing.  And, that is a lesson so many need right now, as it is easy to get exhausted and on the verge of surrender even when seeing God's hand at work.  There is still much to do, but we are on the right way now.  Please continue to remember me in your prayers, and I will post continual updates on this journey.  Thanks for visiting today, and see you next time.  

Getting Adjusted

 I noted last week how this is a new chapter, and as the dust begins to settle the chapter is yet still in its opening stages now, so a lot has yet to be determined as things continue to fall into place.  I can say though with confidence that God has guided every step of the way, and although at this point I am tired, wounded, and in need of restoration, I feel it is coming soon enough.  That leads to a recap of the week and a couple of observations.  I attempted to write this earlier but am convinced the "prince of the power of the air" is a demonic entity that screws with cyberspace, especially when many important things need to be said.  So, we will try this again.

As of tomorrow, it will be a week since I moved into this new place in downtown Baltimore, and it has been interesting.  I have two decent roommates for one thing.  One is a fairly smart and courteous young Mexican-American man from California named James (my new landlord Andy kept calling him "Jason" for some reason, but luckily I got his real name).  James is a student at a local college, and he also earns his living expenses as a part-time worker at Fedex.  He and I have had some interesting talks since he thinks largely along the same lines I do.  The other guy, Joel, is a middle-aged stonemason who originally is from New York.  Joel is a bit, well, free-spirited - he does indulge in the "devil's lettuce" a little (thankfully he is discreet about it and I never smell or notice it), and he is a bit more blue-collar and gritty.  And, he has an adorable little dog named Carlo who loves everybody.  The guys are good roommates, and we all sort of live our own lives with friendly but infrequent conversation.  That can get a bit lonesome for me at times, as I am used to Barbara and she and I were a lot closer - even being divorced we are like brother and sister, and I do have days I miss her a lot.  Right now, she lives in a place she shares with five other guys in Rockville, and she too has some loneliness too.  So, we still talk to each other and try to get together as much as we can.  I am not planning on staying in this neighborhood for a long time - it is mainly to get acclimated to my new position as teacher at Christo Rey School, and then I plan on moving closer to the school, such as maybe Fells Point or Dundalk, as to be honest I am a bit uneasy about this neighborhood - it is in the heart of Baltimore after all, and it is therefore a place where you have to be vigilant despite the fact this particular neighborhood is pretty quiet.  That leads me into some observations about Baltimore itself.

It has been 50 years since I lived in Baltimore, and at that time (mid-1970s) we lived on the other side of town in the community called Irvington, located roughly between Frederick Highway and Wilkins Avenue.  Back then, our entire family practically lived in that community, although as many of them became financially able they moved to the suburbs.  For decades now (even when I was a kid here in the 1970s) Baltimore has been essentially a majority Black city.  As I ride the buses, I stick out, I will just put it that way.  Many of the Blacks here though are just normal people - many indeed are actually very friendly and helpful, especially when asking for directions to get around downtown and on the transit system.  But, Baltimore is also notorious for violent crime stats as well, but that was true for probably the better of 70 years in all honesty.  It would be easy for people to conclude that there is a connection between the Black demographic and crime statistics, and it would be a plausible conclusion to make, but in all honesty there are evil White people too - the scariest person I encountered here in the past few days, as a matter of fact, was a creepy-looking White guy up on Reisterstown Road when I was up there yesterday to do my fingerprinting for my new position.  With the Blacks in town, they will respect you if you respect them - don't act scared of them, and be courteous and polite to them as they are fellow human beings.  Most of the time, if you do that they will respond in kind, so my policy is to treat Black residents of the city like the human beings they truly are, and not to resort to stereotypes and idiotic rhetoric.  The key to improving race relations is not to give preferential treatment to anyone, but to utilize respect and good manners, and to be yourself without trying to say "Yeah, I have a Black friend" or something stupid like that.  The more one is their true self, the more respect that will earn.

Baltimore has always had a connection to me for some reason.  After all, I lived here as a kid, even going to kindergarten just a couple of miles from where I am sitting at Stuart Hill Academy over on Gilmor Street, and also enjoying the delicious local cuisine at places like Bay Island Seafood and Kibbie's out on Wilkins.  Over the years, I have had so many dreams about being here that there are places in town that give me deja vu moments.  So, was this where I was meant to be?  That is something that I need to ponder more and seek God out on, as it has been nothing short of a miracle that I landed what is practically the dream job with a great salary, and everything fell into place - not without struggle though, as it has been a battle too.  But, I see my faith growing, and thanks to the love and support of good people like my cousin Elvira, my friends Elaine, Fran, and Amy, and two wonderful churches (Fr. Grassi at St. James in Charles Town, and Fr. James at St. Mary's in Hagerstown), as well as a good-hearted former boss (Danny) and the generosity of my present boss (Dr. Mitala, the principal at Christo Rey).  And additionally there is Barbara - we went through a lot of this stuff together, and our combined prayers sustained us through many things.  Then, I even have to credit the former landlord who made us move, Valerie - despite having to follow orders from her evil bosses, Valerie was actually very gracious to us and thanks to her we were able to save Lily, our cat, as well as being able to salvage a great deal of our stuff.  Then there is my current landlord of this place, Andy - Andy is a good man, and as a devout Evangelical Christian he has been very workable with the whole situation of moving here.  I thank God for all these folks and others I may have forgotten to mention, because without them we would have been in a mess.  You learn quickly how to depend on God, and it is a humbling experience for sure. 

In addition to all those dreams about Baltimore though, there were other dreams over the years too - many times I have had dreams of tornadoes and floods, and the odd thing about those dreams was the fact that in many cases the storm or water looked frightening, but it never touched or harmed me.  I remember a particularly intense one a few years back I had about this enormous funnel cloud - the thing must have been 20 miles wide, was as black as tar, and it loomed over the horizon as we drove toward it.  In that particular dream, Granny was still alive, and she, Mom, and I were in a car going to her house, which in the dream was at this intersection and was in a wide-open yard with no trees.  That huge funnel cloud went right past a living room window, but never touched the house!  Talk about shelter in the storm, that was a good image of that.  I also have had dreams of floods coming so close to a doorstep that they practically were within centimeters of touching me, but they just stopped.  It is highly possible that dreams like that do contain some glimpses of the future, and if so, then I am now feeling what that meant in real time.  The same feelings I had in those dreams are feelings I have had the past month with all that I have faced.   Could the dreams have prepared me for this?  I cannot say, and I may even be completely wrong.  Perhaps as I look back on this time in my life later I will see things clearer.  

The week itself has been quite interesting as well.  Last Saturday, Barbara and I were able to retrieve the stuff Valerie set aside for us, and the church was gracious enough to lend us a truck to pick it up.  We have all that safely in storage, and there were surprises in that.  For one, they packed my new alto sax, which I was very happy about.  Also, I got several of my boxed set LPs, some very collectible items, and I even was able to get my Louis Prima collection.  Additionally I got all my family history books and they are now safely in storage.  Overall, that will be a good start once I am able to move to a more stable place and can start the rebuilding process.  

Secondly, I got to visit this beautiful church that is a ten-minute walk away.  SS Philip and James Church is a 130-year-old parish across the street from Johns Hopkins University, and it is perhaps one of the most beautiful churches I have ever been in.  It is a Byzantine/Romanesque style church with beautiful Byzantine iconography inside, and it is administered by the Dominican Friars.  It is also a very sound parish theologically, and I felt at home there as it reminded me of Fr. Grassi and St. James in Charles Town in a lot of ways.  For the tenure of my stay at this place, I will probably use that as my home parish too.  It was a blessing to go there for sure.

Third, it has been a busy week overall so far with positives and negatives.  The negative was minor,but it entailed Liberty University.  You see, after I completed and received my Ph.D. a couple of months back, I was contemplating doing a postdoctoral certificate in some kind of educational discipline to help enhance my skills at my new vocation.  However, the one weakness with Liberty is that it is addicted to mass marketing, and they enroll people on a revolving-door basis almost robotically.  They registered me for the Fall semester, and I supposedly got a financial aid package for it.  What they didn't tell me is that because my dissertation defense course, although completed, lasts until the end of the Fall term, I couldn't take anything that did not apply to that degree (which was completed and conferred).  So, that led to a huge issue with them I had to fight on Monday, and I accepted that this was not the time to be going back to school - for one thing, it just isn't practical as so much is going on and I am still trying to get back on course.  Hopefully though, I don't end up with a $500 bill over it though, as that is the last thing I need, so I disputed it.  God has worked everything else out though, and he will this too.

Fourth, yesterday I was able to also get my fingerprints done for my new position as well as updating my ID, which had expired.  For the first time in my life, I got to go on the subway - yes, Baltimore does have a subway!  That was an interesting experience and I really liked it.  I only wish I would have had some money to spend at Lexington Market in downtown Baltimore, as I want to check that out.  Soon though, that will happen too.  I still have to get a replacement Social Security card though, and I may still do that Friday as the subway goes right to the Social Security office.  That gives an idea of how my week has been so far.  I also want to thank my new boss and the principal of my school, Dr. Mitala, for providing the means of getting everything done - he really does have a good heart, and may God bless him for that. 

That gives you more of glimpse of life the past few days for me, and I will continue chronicling my journey as it comes together. I start teaching next week, so things will begin to really come together in the next couple of weeks or so.  Thank you for allowing me to share, and will see you next time. 

Tumultuous Transitions and New Beginnings

 As I write this tonight, there are a lot of things going on.  A lot of it is scary, but I have also seen God's hand at work.  I have spent the last week or so in a motel - I am camped out here at the Motel 6 in Charles Town for a few days - pondering so many things.  Yesterday, my parish priest Fr. Grassi talked about in his homily at Mass about an odd topic - "let go of the banana."  The premise of his homily was based on some experiment in which a group of monkeys were tested with a hollowed-out coconut inside of which was placed a banana.  A small hole just big enough for the monkey's hand was placed in the coconut, and the objective was for the monkey to grab the banana and pull it out.  However, the banana was bigger than the hole, and as long as the monkey held onto it the banana was stuck.  Fr. Grassi's point was that we do that all the time in our lives - we attempt to hold onto things we should be letting go of.  I got a serious lesson in that last Friday when we had to move due to some complications with our rental situation.  Because of time constraints, I had to leave a large study library, my entire music collection, and a lot of other stuff behind.  It is a little hard to adjust to, but through it I also began to realize several things:

1. Sometimes to move forward, we have to let go of things that encumber us.  As much as I loved my library and my music collection, to be honest it has been a logistics nightmare over the years to transport them from place to place.  At some point I may gain it all back, but it will be when I am in a better and more permanent position to house them.

2. Although I loved that stuff, the important thing to remember is just that - it is just stuff.  It can be replaced, and like Job's story in the Bible, the replacement may be better than the original.  

3. It could be that God was maybe answering my prayer in a way I didn't expect.  I have heard an expression that God doesn't let things fall apart, but rather he lets them fall in place.  Oddly, despite the chaos of the sudden move and the physical and mental strain it has had on me, God is at work - he provided in such an abundant way for my needs now that my faith has grown. I see myself coming out of this better at some point. 

Now, the good thing is that I didn't lose everything.  For one thing, all of my important papers, pictures, and other items of sentimental value have been preserved, and they are safely stored in a storage unit between here and Martinsburg.  Much of that is my original work, and it is irreplaceable.  I am thankful I was able to do that.  Also, my pets are all with me too - two cats, my bunny, and my three birds.  The two cats both have had their own trauma being dragged from place to place, but they are resilient.  There are some other changes to talk about too, so I will get into those as well.

As of Friday, Barbara and I are no longer under the same roof.  She is living in a rented room close to where she works in Gaithersburg, but she isn't totally happy about it.  She has to share the place with three guys, and her sisters (that's a story in itself!) more or less forced her into that situation because their objective is to micromanage her life.  In my opinion, she made a mistake even getting them involved in this, because their intentions are for themselves rather than for Barbara's wellbeing.  She wants out, and I am praying for that to happen for her.  Barbara too does deserve so much more than that, and I pray God is with her.  Her sisters also have never particularly liked me, and they did this to cut us off from each other too.  I have missed her actually, because in all honesty we have lived under the same roof together for probably more than 32 years until now.  Although we divorced three years ago, we still have always been friends and that will never change.  Barbara is like a sister to me, and to be honest she has been wonderful company to me over the years too.  But, we still chat and talk almost daily, despite her sisters threatening to cut her off if she even talks to me.  Ultimately, God's will is bigger than a bunch of evil micromanaging siblings, so this too will have a good conclusion, I know it. 

While I had accepted the fact that one day Barbara and I would go our separate ways as we are no longer a married couple, I don't believe this is the way it was supposed to happen.  But, it has, and now is the adjustment to new life.  I am still somewhat scared, and the uncertainty of the future lingers a bit, but I also see God working.  He did so in a very important way this week that I want to share now.

A month or so back, I got this call from the principal of the Christo Rey Jesuit High School in Baltimore.  He was very impressed with my credentials, and although things got off to a rocky start, he called me a couple of weeks ago to do a working interview - in this case, teaching a demo Theology class to a group of 13 high school juniors.  The interview almost did not happen.  The original day I was to do it, we were told we had to move out of our house.  The following Tuesday after, I was given the wrong departure time for the train from Harpers Ferry, and ended up missing the interview then too - but the blessing came from meeting Karan Townsend, the owner of the Town's Inn in Harpers Ferry, and the day had a blessing of its own.   But, last Thursday was the charm - I made it to the interview, had a good experience teaching the class, and the principal was very impressed with me.  The next step in that happened this morning when he asked for references, which I gladly provided him.  The position looks like it will be a sure thing, and I may even be considered as a department chair as well - this would be the dream job.  For those reading this, your prayers are always appreciated. 

At this point, a lot is still uncertain - I have a bunch of hurdles in front of me yet, and with limited resources it can be a bit overwhelming.  But, God's hand has been all over this too, and somehow this is all going to come together.  I won't be writing as much now, as I need to get all settled into a more permanent place, but I will keep you posted as best I can on what happens.  Thanks for listening, and God's blessings to you. 

Paradigm Shift Change

 As I am writing this, I am exhausted, a bit uncertain, and there is a lot going on now.  I am sitting in the Town's Inn in Harpers Ferry, WV, and was just having a pleasant chat with the owner, Karan Thompson.  In case this is not familiar, it was featured on an episode of Gordon Ramsay's Hotel Hell a few years back, and being I live so close by, I had wanted to visit here.  There are things I learned I won't share to protect Karan, but sufficive to say, not everything on the show was as it seems.  This little inn is quaint, and Karan is the sweetest person.  Due to the fact I missed a MARC train to an important interview today (which by the grace of God was rescheduled!) I am going to be here for the duration of the day.  It is also good to have my first cup of coffee in several days, and I will get into that story in a minute.  Any rate, let's move forward with the discussion.

Last week, we lost our home and practically everything in it - luckily I salvaged the large percentage of my important items, and they are now secured safely in a storage facility outside Martinsburg.  As for me, I am staying at a motel in Ranson (just outside Charles Town) for a temporary time, and it is an adjustment.  While it has been an adjustment losing my whole library and my music collection (second time for the latter), I understand why now.  Sometimes our foundation has to be refurbished, and in doing so the structure may need to be torn down and rebuilt.  But, unlike Joe Biden's slogan and its implications, this is the real "Build Back Better," and doors are beginning to open for me even now despite some major challenges.  In some respects, I feel a little like Job, but the important thing is that God is ultimately in control, and this is a new beginning for me any way I look at it.  It is just that the timing was unexpected is all. 

Losing a home is never an easy transition - there is a lot of dust that needs to settle as things get redefined and realigned, and at the moment I am very sore and tired.  I have lost many hours of sleep, and for several days I didn't even have an appetite.  And being my ex Barbara and I had to basically coordinate this move by ourselves (although we did get very much appreciated help from both our parish priest, as well as from a sweet Jewish lady Barbara knows from her earlier work, Beth Fox - she stocked us up with latkes, knishes, pastries, and some Omaha Steaks burgers that were delicious, and she was a Godsend when we were moving with bringing much needed drinks), it was the most strenuous work I have ever done - I felt like several times it would do me in due to the fact that I am not as young as I used to be and these intense moves are something I won't be able to do anymore soon.  I will just be glad when the dust settles and we can get back on course again. 

And, despite the traumatic aspects of this experience, I at least have some perspective as to what is going on now.  It is humbling, but in many ways also liberating.  After all, the logistics of moving around a HUGE library and a music collection were cumbersome, and worrying about how to do that was a huge source of stress.  Yet, God moved.  Not exactly like I would have liked, but he did move.   While a lot of uncertainty still hangs over everything - it is like a bomb-damaged city after a war honestly - the drive to rebuild is there, and I will make the best effort to do so.   As things unfold I will detail that journey more.

This year has been one of a lot of paradoxes - on one hand, I earned a Ph.D., and on another I lost my home.  But, out of ashes sometimes grows the best flora, and I am planning to ensure a bountiful harvest from this ash heap.  Any rate, that is an update on life at this time, and I will be back again soon.  God's blessings to all who read this.