Sorting Out

 I am not sure why I felt inclined to write today, but I just did - it is approaching mid-May, and the school year is about to wind down which means my chapter at the school where I currently teach is about to come to its conclusion.  As you may have gathered, a part of me is extremely relieved about this, but another part of me is also uncertain about what is going to happen after my year here ends.  I suppose we will wait and see for all that.  But, that is not what I wanted to talk about today, as there are some other things on my mind, which as the title suggests I am going to just sort out as I write.  So, this may take some oddly random and unpredictable directions, but I am just going to go with it I believe. 

As I am sitting here in the cramped bedroom/office space I have where I currently live in a 106-year-old row house in downtown Baltimore, the one thing that is on my mind perhaps the most is finding a way to exit this city gracefully.  As I await a new position, much of where I end up going will be contingent upon what type of position I get and where it will be located.  In all honesty, I never really wanted to live in the middle of Baltimore - I didn't feel great about it even from day one, when I first moved in an evening in October after our unscheduled move from Hagerstown and a subsequent 12-day transitional period where I lived in a Motel 6 just outside Charles Town, WV.  That whole situation is something I don't think I have ever fully recovered from, but thankfully during that 12-day timeframe in Charles Town I was offered my current job here at this school at a salary I never dreamed I would earn, and almost 2 years later here we are.  In all honesty, I miss Hagerstown and Martinsburg (and by extension Charles Town) as that area felt more like home to me than this crazy city ever did.  Had I been blessed with an equally-good position there, I would have stayed.  The seven years I lived in Hagerstown were a menagerie of transitional events - I earned two degrees, lost two parents, my marriage ended, and I underwent a huge career transition from being a mid-level administrative office professional for over 27 years to becoming a full-time educator.  Many times it was not easy - the financial issues I faced in my last two years living there were, frankly, some frightening experiences.  However, one thing about that old mobile home in Hagerstown is that it was home - it felt like home, and I felt for once like I had the establishing of roots.  I miss that place - it was quiet, peaceful, and honestly perhaps the best place I have ever lived.  Was it perfect?  No.  But I had a life there.  Since leaving there at the end of 2024, I haven't quite felt like myself since, and that has been an honest struggle I have had.  I am not by any means financially hurting or anything like that, but I just feel like I don't really belong here.  Even on the very night I first moved into this place back in October 2024, I knew that my time here was temporary, and I think this is where my discussion is headed now. 

I don't feel that the school I am working at now was a mistake - for some reason (maybe to build a professional experience portfolio) I believe I needed to be here for a season.  But even from those first days, I knew this season would be short and that eventually I would be moving on somewhere else and doing something else.  I am not sure when the season itself will come to an end, but I am feeling it may be very soon just by the way things are shaping up now.  The particular school I am at has had challenges of its own - it is an inner-city school, with about 98% minority students, and it also lacks a lot in the way of what a traditional high school educational experience entails.  Also, as a Catholic school, at times it seems more secular and that the religious aspect of the school is just a necessary inconvenience that could be jettisoned at any time.  Being it is my first full-time education gig, I was frankly thrown into a den of proverbial lions, but I survived.  Not only that, but I also ended up by default becoming the chair for my department in the school, and that honestly is a boost.  However, I desire a more stable, more solidly Catholic, and less chaotic school environment than this school offers, and the principal thankfully was astute enough to see that and he chose not to renew my contract because he saw my discomfort with this whole situation too - he in essence did me a huge and valuable service, and that is appreciated.  Along with myself, there are 13 other faculty members leaving for a variety of reasons, and many of us have talked about those - many of them are not happy either, and they are also stressed, are having physical issues resulting from that stress, and they need a rest.  Many of my fellow colleagues who are leaving have become good friends over the past couple of years, and we will definitely stay connected in coming months as we all go onto our new opportunities.  Many of them, like myself, face uncertainties, but I think all of us will be in a good place soon.  Unlike what happened when life shifted dramatically in 2024 for me, I don't feel the same as I did then.  I am sure something is in the works, so we'll see what happens in the coming weeks. 

That last statement leads me to make a few observations.  Over the past 36 years, I have lived in a variety of places, ranging from the small peanut-farming college town of Graceville, FL, to the sprawling metropolis that is Baltimore.  And, prior to this recent residence here in Baltimore, I have lived in cities before - I lived for 5 years just outside St. Petersburg, FL, and I worked across Tampa Bay in the heart of downtown Tampa for a number of those years too.  So, the fact that Baltimore is a large city is not the reason I feel a bit out of sync here at all - I have lived in cities before with relatively little issues, and I lived in those cities comfortably.  The majority of my adult life has been spent in a number of other large urban areas too - Largo, FL, as well as Lakeland, FL.  Also, Dothan, AL, and Brunswick, GA.  And, I spent a short time even in San Dimas, CA, which is an outlying suburb of Los Angeles.  With the exception of  San Dimas - I really felt out of place there because I was not supposed to even be there then - I have generally felt pretty comfortable in most of those places.  And, I am no stranger to Baltimore either in all honesty - I lived here when I was 5, over 50 years ago, on the west side of town back when a lot more West Virginians lived here in those neighborhoods then.  So, what makes it different now?  It is a paradox in that I do believe I am supposed to be here for a season, but I don't feel a sense of permanence here, and haven't even from day one.  This was meant to be a temporary and short chapter, and I see it coming to an end now because in all honesty, I was here for a very specific purpose and I fulfilled that I believe.  A day does not go by where I am not missing the relative calmness of Hagerstown or the smaller areas of adjacent West Virginia, my home state.  I miss St. James Church, my parish in Charles Town too.  Although I really like the Dominican parish we attend here, it is not our old parish and I miss that.  There was something about that area that I felt plugged into, and if the right opportunity were to present itself, I would gladly go back there in an instant.  That may actually be possible, as there is a viable Catholic school in Hagerstown which for a short time was interested in me - I am noting that and have initiated contact with the principal there.  It remains to be seen if I go back there or we end up somewhere else, so all we can do is trust God and wait.  

As today's emphasis is about sorting out some things, I am starting to come to a conclusion that perhaps my mindset is not necessarily against Baltimore itself - Baltimore definitely has its problems, and I think I have enunciated that plenty.  If I were meant to be here for the long term, I would feel more comfortable staying here, but I don't.  Even a location with a lot of imperfections and faults, if one knows that is where they are supposed to be those faults will not be a factor.  So, Baltimore is not the fundamental problem - the sense of not being permanent here is.  I plan on exploring this further in my personal journal at some point, and may even present a small devotional lesson here on that.  I will think on that some more.

Thank you for allowing me to share today, and I will see you next time.