Relief and Decompression

 What brings this post to mind was the other day when I was finishing up one of my finals for a class, and one of my students, a nice young man named Jaylen, asked me what I was planning for the summer.  I told him one word - decompression.  He readily understood and agreed as well.  Over the past two days, I had to grade approximately 83 finals for 83 students, and despite a couple of technical glitches, I completed that yesterday afternoon.  Given this is also my last year at that particular school, the relief I felt was palpable.  While there were no instant celebrations at this point, there is a feeling of relief, accomplishment, and beneath that, a little uncertainty about what comes next.  But, it is a good feeling too.  This past academic year was challenging - the particular demographic of kids I was charged with teaching were one of the most intense groups of kids I have ever encountered, and the stress that was on me from dealing with them each day was palpable to anyone who observed me.  Adding to that a general lack of encouragement or support from the administration of the school where I taught, it was a relief to finally realize it was over.  In some ways, it is a bit surreal - I haven't fully grasped the depth of it being finished yet, but I feel it may sink in soon now that grading and last-minute details are taken care of, as those kept me pretty busy over the past couple of days after my last in-person day of proctoring finals this past Wednesday.   I won't go into a lot of the experience, but to summarize the overall feeling, it is a relief, and now the decompression of a year's worth of tension begins.  

Decompression can be likened to letting the air out of a car tire - it doesn't deflate all at once, but rather the gradual exit of air takes some time.  It is the same way with emotional decompression too - it will be an adjustment as I settle into a new and less-stressful routine now.  Granted, there are some things I will miss - the pay was acceptable and was perhaps the most I have ever made in a lifetime, and also there are many colleagues I have made friendships with as well as a number of students I generally will miss.  But, the overall situation is that I am just relieved to be out of there in all honesty.  As I have a professional protocol to follow and also want to make sure I don't reveal identities of anyone or anyplace, I won't get into details of that here, but for those who worked with me and found themselves in a similar situation, they will understand this completely.  That being said, let me get into a couple of reflections for today.

The one thing most people feel after leaving a position they have been at for a long time but is often the last feeling to surface is the uncertainty of what's ahead.  I have described it over the past few months as several metaphorical images - the unknown horizon, the green light I am waiting for, etc.  Uncertainty is a feeling one does not fully appreciate until it is viewed in posterity, but it is a real thing.  You wonder what opportunity you can receive, which one you should pursue, how your financial situation will shape, and so many other things.  That can be overwhelming when you think of it, and many of us don't at first - for some, including myself on occasion, it can also be faced too late.  Uncertainty is inevitable with any change in situation, but it is how you prepare for what's ahead which determines whether it is a simple nagging feeling or an overwhelming fear.  In my case, I made a number of preparations, including starting my job search several months back and also getting certain of my financial affairs in order just in case.  With minimal debt, it makes a transition smoother, so my objective was to pay off or keep caught up as many expenses as I could as well as trying to trim unnecessary charges to aleve a potential financial snafu.  Being prepared is the first step in making an uncertainty more manageable, because although the uncertainty is inevitable in many cases, how one is prepared to face it makes a world of difference.  Thankfully, I am in good shape financially for the summer, and also I am anticipating some calls for new opportunities soon.  It makes things much easier that way, believe me.  But, in my situation it isn't just about finances, but another interrelated matter comes to surface - residency.  Let me explain that one.

It will soon be two years since I moved to Baltimore to take my current position, and in all honesty, I don't like cities and I wasn't exactly thrilled about moving into the place I live now at all.  Here are three reasons I don't actually like living in a city:

1. The crime rates

2. Radical politics

3. Crowds

There is a movement called anti-urbanization, and I definitely consider myself part of that.  I recently came across a book entitled Down With the Cities, authored in 2012 by a Japanese guy named Tadashi Nakashima.  There are a number of evils that Nakashima notes with urbanization, so let me list those here for you:

1. Deforestation (environmental impact)

2. The plunder of farmland

3. The covering of the earth with concrete

4. Theft of the farm population

5. Squeezing food out of the farmers

6. Destruction of the seashore and plundering of marine resources.

7. The copious consumption of resources and energy

8. Excessive consumption of oxygen and water

9. The imposition of the sacrifice of others to appropriate water and other resources.

While I see Nakashima's points and can agree to an extent with them, I want to add a couple of my own that he didn't consider, those being the human dimension.   In Baltimore in particular, I see a lot of urban blight - the iconic rowhouses in many neighborhoods are abandoned, in severe disrepair, and also magnets for both criminal elements as well as vermin such as rats and roaches.  The second evil I would note is polarization - Baltimore is polarized by race, by politics, and by crime perpetrated by opportunistic individuals who could rightly be described as human parasites.  Many of Nakashima's concerns can be summarized as the effects of urban blight in particular, and I wanted to give some thoughts on that now.

"Urban blight" is described as neighborhoods that are overriden with abandoned houses, pollution all over the place, and just a general lack of care for anything to improve the community.  There is a racist element to this too, as for decades a number of corrupt politicians on the political left have more or less encouraged it - they oppose efforts to clean up communities as "gentrification," and they make empty promises to citizens while robbing them blind in tax revenue which often lines a politician's pockets rather than being used for the betterment of the cities they are supposed to represent.  Any effort to clean up a neighborhood is seen as "systemic racism," and the bad behaviors of certain populations are incentivized as "cultural expression" and thus untouchable.  Those certain populations themselves are at fault too - I have seen them urinating on buildings and street signs, and also carelessly throwing litter about all over.  If that is considered "cultural expression," then perhaps it is time to rethink culture.  I have seen this urban rot in other cities too, but Baltimore is particularly infested with it.  These certain populations, who want to now cry "racism" at any suggestion to better themselves (thanks to their modern slaveholders, rich White liberals who live a whole social class above them), are in reality some of the worst elements of the population in this city, and I am not going to sugarcoat why - just walk around these neighborhoods here and look at it for yourself.  Then look at who lives in those neighborhoods, and then you draw the conclusions.  If these certain populations were taught to maybe emphasize the good aspects of their heritage instead of incentivizing the bad ones, many cities would be transformed overnight.  But, as I mentioned in a previous discussion, they are being conditioned by others - in this case, a group of elitist White leftists, many of whom are very wealthy, who profit off chaos to gain control.  As mentioned, it is about the Nietzschean concept of struggle, and if conflict is maintained, so is the status quo for those who stand to gain the most from it.  That is the political Left in a nutshell - do you think they care about actual racism, the environment, or all these other talking-points they like to beat people over the head with??  Hell no!  They know they are running a highly successful con game, and too many people buy it.  If it were exposed, it would threaten their stranglehold on power.  Therefore, they use vast resources to maintain the narrative, and they have an effective propaganda machine that pumps out the lies like a fat person with diarrhea on a small toilet. But, if cities are to be transformed, the narrative must be corrected and changed, and those who hold power need to surrender it to people who really need the change in their communities.  Until that happens, our nation is on a bad trajectory.   I say all of that to get back now to why an eventual move from Baltimore in particular for me would be the ultimate decompression.

While I am not adverse to moving to another city should a door open, there are things I expect.  First, I want a good quality of life.  Secondly, I don't want a toxic work environment.  Third, the opportunity I take must be worth the effort to relocate and recalibrate.  These are things I am asking God for specifically, as it means a better quality of life overall for me as well as feeling like I am making a real difference both for myself as well as for others I may work with.  Decompression from a former situation also means that one has time then to reflect upon and plan out next courses of action, and that is the place I am in now.  Any rate, those are my thoughts for today, so I will leave it there and will see you next time.