Artistic Differences - Contrasts

I wanted to write this week because of the fuss made recently over a rock singer named Chris Cornell who died tragically at apparently a very young age.  I am not personally into that type of music, but due to the fact this guy was a human being, his family does have my sympathy for their loss.   Have you ever noticed how many of these rock stars die so young?   Many of them have led tragic lives (not saying Cornell necessarily did - I don't know enough about the guy to make that judgement) and they die young.  It of course is not endemic to just rock stars though - great big band musicians have also died young (Bix Beiderbecke, Bunny Berigan, Orville Knapp, Fats Waller, to name a few) as well as legendary actors (Marilyn Monroe, James Dean).   But, it does seem as if the lion's share of premature celebrity deaths involve rock stars for some weird reason.   I was sort of inspired to write this because of two things.  First, there is an author who posts these amusing videos I love to watch every week on Facebook by the name of Susannah Lewis (otherwise known as "Whoa Susannah").  Susannah is mountain folk like myself - she is a native of Tennessee - and she has that homespun sense of humor which is enhanced by that Southern accent that just makes her endearing to so many of us.  If you get the chance, you should really check her out sometime on social media (she has also written a number of books, and although I haven't had the opportunity to read any of those myself yet, if they are as good as her videos then she is one hell of an author!).  This week for instance, she was talking about this dog of hers named Pepper, who apparently has a stomach that could rival the exterior of a Sherman tank, and this dog eats everything.  This week, she was talking about something concerning this dog eating a Bible, and the gist of the conversation on that one was that her dog "ate the Word of God and is spreading the Gospel across the back yard."  It takes a special talent to come up with that stuff impromptu, and that is why I say she must be one hell of an author!   Any rate, Susannah, who is in her mid-30's I would estimate (if you are reading this Susannah, I apologize for trying to pinpoint your age, as you do look amazing - it is relevant reference point to what I am doing here though), is apparently a big fan of '80's rock, which would have been popular at around the time I was actually in high school (to make Susannah feel better, I am actually much older than she is obviously!).  I never got into any of that stuff, and to this day I still don't like it at all, but for those that do enjoy it, that's your thing and by all means enjoy.  My music, since I was at least 10 years old, is vintage big band, and I said all of that because just a week or two before this Chris Cornell guy passed away, another music legend celebrated her 100th birthday on April 30th.   The person I am speaking of is Bea Wain, who in the late 1930's and early 1940's was a much sought-after girl vocalist with many great orchestras - notably Larry Clinton's, with whom she made the record that put his band on the map as well as defining her career, that being a 1939 recording of the standard ballad Deep Purple.   She also sang with some other great orchestras - I have video footage in my music library of a 1942 "Soundie" she was in with Johnny Long's orchestra in which she did an excellent recording of the Judy Garland standard You Made Me Love You.  I also believe, if memory serves me correctly (I had better consult Mr. George T. Simon's The Big Bands to be sure though!) she sang with Artie Shaw as well.  For a great legend like that to still be alive is amazing in itself, as very few of those legends from that great era of quality music are still with us.

The legendary Bea Wain today

Bea in her heyday as a girl band vocalist

A couple of years back, the legendary bandleader Orrin Tucker also joined the "100-Year Club" as well, although he passed away a year or two later.  Bea Wain's centenarian birthday celebration and Chris Cornell's tragic death are cause for reflection - as I wrote a couple of weeks ago, having an appreciation for great music is a gift God gave us, and the quality of the music as well as its timelessness are life-enhancing.   As callous as it may sound, I would rather rejoice over this great lady making it to 100 - and still in good health! - rather than lament a premature passing of a rock star I didn't even know anything about until he popped up in the news last week.  For one thing, I was listening to Bea Wain's records back when most of my Gen-X peers were into Prince or Michael Jackson, and when my classmates in high school were into Guns and Roses (is that how to properly punctuate that group's name?  I really don't know!) I was collecting Guy Lombardo and Freddy Martin records.  I remember those Sunday nights in Kirby, WV, when I would lay on my bed listening to WBT-AM in Charlotte, NC, listening first to Henry Boggen for many years, and then later to the great Chuck Cecil's "Swingin' Years" program - when I started collecting records, I would actually sit there and count on my fingers which one's Henry or Chuck played that I had - today, with a CD collection of over 1200 and an LP collection of almost a thousand, I could probably count on one hand what I lack.   It was fun, those days - many a night too, I would sit at the kitchen table in our mobile home there in Kirby, with just the stove light on, listening to that great music on the radio while either creating drawings or later journaling my own thoughts.  The cool West Virginia summer nights, with the breeze drifting in the open windows while I would actually sit at the table sipping sugar-laden instant coffee or nibbling a bag of Utz Chips, made life so simple - it was a neat little respite from the poverty that surrounded us in those days.  I listened to those shows well up into my early college years, but then life took over and the responsibilities with it sort of made me forget those simpler times for many years, until I took up journaling again and remembered them.  Then, you listen to the reflections of others, such as Susannah, and it makes you really come back to that.   One other stimulus is that after living in Florida for over 27 years, we have recently moved back to my home turf, and as I am sitting here typing this on a Friday night in Hagerstown, MD, in my living room, I am enjoying that nice summer breeze again - going through my mind now are those great songs I used to love to listen to on the radio which I now have in my own library - Count Basie's April in Paris, Charlie Barnet's Skyliner, Freddy Martin's stellar rendition of Rachmaninoff's Piano Concerto, and Les Brown's great theme song Leap Frog (interesting enough composed by the same guy who wrote In The Mood, the definitive big band iconic anthem made famous by Glenn Miller's 1939 recording).  With the neighborhood ducks quacking in the background (along with my mother's more annoying quacking every few minutes to look at them eating bread - when you see a waterfowl eat bread once, you pretty much know how it works, so certain people need to get their own hobby), it makes for a nice evening as May begins to transition to June - man, it's good to be back home again!

Those are just a few reflections I wanted to share before the weekend makes its debut in a few hours, and hope you all have a good holiday weekend as we commemorate our armed forces, in particular those who gave their lives for our freedom - there are not many World War II vets left, but if Chuck Cecil's show were still on the air, I am sure he would be playing Glenn Miller's American Patrol this weekend in honor of them.   May we never take that for granted, even if we see this weekend as an extended holiday after a long work month and are looking forward to the burgers, dogs, kabobs, and steaks that will be sizzling on outdoor barbecues around the country this weekend.  Take care, and we'll see you again soon when you stop by my virtual "front porch" to "sit a spell" with me and indulge my personal recollections or philosophical pontifications.  

Reflections on 25 Years of Marriage

As I write this today, Barb and I are celebrating 25 years of marriage together.   It has been an eventful quarter-century of our lives together, and there is a lot to reflect on concerning it. I am going to focus today on the challenges and joys of our married life, and hopefully I can be an encouragement to others.

Barbara and I were married on May 22, 1992 in the little First Assembly of God Church in downtown Graceville, FL.  Our wedding was not overly spectacular, as we had only a few friends that came, and I actually catered the wedding myself.  But, it was nice in its simplicity - we were entering into a sacramental covenant bond for life, and it was a bond that a deep love for each other made possible.  The pastor who married us, Rev. John Broome, was a friend of ours for several years previous - I had been acquainted with him since I arrived in Graceville to start college at the old Florida Baptist Theological College there, and his church had a good group of folks who were members.  Although our actual church at the time was a Foursquare congregation in nearby Dothan, AL, we chose Pastor Broome and his church because we actually felt closer there than we did in our actual congregation - we were not on the best of terms at that point with our own church, as there were some issues that made trust a problem, and therefore it was probably a wise decision to do this as we did.  Also, Graceville was more special to us anyway, as that was where we met and had gotten to know each other.  My old Appalachian "sense of place" therefore played a pivotal role in our choice of wedding venue too.

I want to now relate the story as to how Barb and I met, because it is actually quite interesting.  I started school at FBTC in August of 1989, just a few months after graduating high school.  At the time I was only 19 years of age, and it was an adjustment settling in a new state and new town after growing up the majority of my life in West Virginia.  With good friends such as Steve Viera, a resident of Bermuda who sort of took me under his wing when I got to campus and "showed me the ropes," I was able to make the adjustment much easier.  My first semester at FBTC was relatively uneventful, as it entailed me getting used to college life, especially living in the dorms.  I was also a shy kid with an unusually high-pitched voice, and although I sort of wanted to find a girlfriend, it was not something that I expected to happen.  However, some of my new classmates invited me out for bowling and pizza one weekend, and I sort of was able to go on my first double-date with a sweet local girl who had started school there by the name of Rachel King, and that ended up being fun.  It was good to be part of a group of people my own age for probably the first time in my life to that point, and I enjoyed it.  Rachel lived across the street in the girls' dorms, which were apartment-like dwellings that later became housing for married students, and she shared one of those with two other girls.  After getting some semblance of a social life, my semester that year began to take shape, and after Christmas break and the start of the Spring semester in January 1990, I was confident enough to actually one evening rouse the courage to ask Rachel on a real date, so I went to her dorm and knocked on the door.  At that point, God had other plans, and that was when a new direction started.

When I knocked on the door - these apartments each had their own front door, and although guys couldn't go inside, we were allowed to have conversations with the ladies standing outside - one of Rachel's roommates answered, and it was an older girl who had been in school there for a few years at that time whose name was Barbara Webster.  When Barb came to the door, she was eating the stinkiest can of sardines, and also I believe had just washed her hair and had it bound up in a towel drying.  Although she told me Rachel was not home, for some reason we got to talking, and the conversation was so nice that we began talking more and more.  Within a short time, we became good friends.  Barbara was originally from a small town called Oregon, WI, but when she was very young her dad, who she really thought a lot of and who impacted her life significantly, died in a tragic motorcycle accident.  When she was in her early teens, one of her sisters led her to accept Christ and she became a committed Christian after previously having a somewhat rebellious life brought on by the sudden loss of her father, and part of that involved even some dabbling in occultic practices.  She had also been involved with some rather unsavory relationships with other guys - one was a petty thief who ended up essentially being a bisexual occultist himself, and the other one was a "wolf in sheep's clothing" who was actually on the campus in Graceville and was trying to manipulate young vulnerable female students to follow him in what was essentially a rudimentary sex cult - and that left her somewhat scarred.  By the time we had met, Barbara had sworn off dating guys and had essentially decided to focus on the reason she was there.  That didn't mean, however, that some of the more assertive male students didn't try!  When one of those approached her at some point, she flatly told him she was "celebate" in order to repel his advances - it worked somewhat, but then what she told him was embellished into a story that she was becoming a nun (which is odd, because Barbara was part of a Baptist church then!) as well as some other crazy stuff.  If you are not familiar with Bible college campuses, not all of them are "heaven on earth" and they are definitely not always filled with pious kids who just "love Jesus" and blissfully have a cloistered community.  On the contrary, in those days gossip and wacky theories were popular fare on that campus, and a lot of things got said or done which, well, would not have endeared some of the students to local churchgoers had they known.  Any rate, at this point in time, Barbara was sworn off dating, but luckily she was not opposed to having a good friend of the opposite sex to hang out with, and that is what we became - good friends.

To be honest, I was not really all that interested in Barbara romantically at that point either - I was a new student, and had recently gotten heavily involved in my new Foursquare church and that pretty much permeated most of my life.  I thought a lot of Barbara as a friend, but that was it.  It went on pretty much that way until around December of 1990, when we were actually sitting in a small diner after church one night in Dothan, AL, having a late-night snack with one of our church folks (by this time, Barbara had started coming to our Foursquare church too, and had joined us) by the name of Patti Thomas (now Metcalf).  In those days, many of us were highly involved in our Pentecostal life, and we also believed in exercising our spiritual gifts we believed we had any chance we felt the Holy Spirit moving us to do so.  That night, Patti felt a stirring in her spirit about something, and she essentially said to us that God was going to reveal to me who my life-mate was going to be.  By this time, it was no secret that Barbara and I were really close, and speculation among church members was that we somehow were brought together by God Himself (on that they were right) and were supposed to be married.  However, I was not exactly sure at this point, and God more or less used Patti to reveal that to me.  When Patti told us that, I asked Barbara if I could talk to Patti for a second, so Barbara went to the restroom.  So, I outright asked Patti, "Is it Barbara?"  With a confident smile and a nod of her head, she gave me the answer.

The feeling I had after that revelation hit me is still with me to this day - I was so overwhelmed at that point I just didn't know what to say.  I was thinking, "I have a girlfriend!"  That night, I was so keyed up that I didn't even get any sleep, as so much was going through my mind then and the emotions were so indescribable that to this day I cannot really explain what I was feeling - the best I could say was that it was a combination of joy, fear, uncertainty, excitement, and even a little relief.  But, that moment redefined our relationship in a major way.  As it was almost Christmas break, lucky for me I had some time to actually absorb it all when I flew home that Christmas to West Virginia - I told Mom, but as usual, no response except a couple of stupid, inappropriate comments from her alcohol-induced frame of mind.  But, I honestly didn't care - I had a girlfriend now, me being the little geeky kid with the high-pitched voice from small-town West Virginia!  That was a time I will always remember too.

After Christmas break, I went back to school for the following semester, and Barbara and I began our dating relationship in earnest.  It would be at least a couple of months before we even had our first kiss, and that was nice but awkward for me.  It was made more challenging though because Barbara was compelled to move to Dothan during that Christmas break because she was on the verge of losing her house in Graceville that year.  She first lived with Patti at her house in Pinkard, AL, and later moved in with Karen Strickland, our pastor's daughter, who had a husband and six kids at that point.  In living with Karen, Barbara had to work a night job at a local convenience store chain called Hobo Pantry, and she also was made de-facto babysitter to Karen's kids, which actually created challenges when we saw each other once a week for church.  Eventually, over the summer of 1991, when I made my last trip to West Virginia as a single man to spend the summer at Mom's in Terra Alta, she was able to get her own place on Lena Street in downtown Dothan, and while it was not a glamorous place by any means, it was hers and it gave us time to really develop our own relationship.  But it was not without its challenges, as 1991 was a tough year for both of us - I was talked into moving to California to attend LIFE Bible College, as our pastor then thought the Baptist college where I was didn't meet his standards, and on December 31st, 1991, I was on a Greyhound bus headed for Los Angeles.

Prior to leaving for LA that December, Barbara and I had some time to spend together, and it was a nice thing for both of us - we became very close during that couple of weeks, and when I boarded that bus on December 31st in Ocala, FL, bound for Los Angeles, it was tough!!  To make a long story short, LA didn't work out - I was only out there just over a month, and it was obviously a mistake going, so the church sent me a bus ticket and I headed back to Dothan.   Barbara and I had gotten formally engaged just prior to my going out to LA, and we now were talking wedding plans.  After returning to Dothan and getting my life back in order, I was able to enter a program called JTPA which paid me to train as a chef, and that gave me a steady income for a while so we could start planning our wedding.  We finally set a date - May 22, 1992 - and started to get things prepared.  Most of it fell into place with no problem, but what really bugged us both was the lack of support we got from our families, which is what I want to talk about now.

Our marriage faced a lot of obstacles, mostly from our family.  My in-laws were giving us a lot of flak, as many of them had never met me but had made it up in their mind to hate me despite not even knowing what I looked like yet.  My own family was very apathetic - Dad didn't care to come, Mom was not coming because she thought Dad might be there, and we didn't even get wedding gifts from any of them I recall.  That lack of support from our families has always been a bit of an issue for me, and although I have tried to rise above that, it still even bothers me to this day because both Barbara and I deserved better than the treatment we got.  Over the coming months, my in-laws in particular were doom-talking us, saying we wouldn't last, that we were young and stupid, and of course they hated me.   But, the wedding happened, and 25 years later as of today, we are still happily married and our love for each other has grown.  I say to certain ones of my in-laws that opposed us and gave us grief over the years - get bent.  God's plan is above my in-laws' likes and dislikes, and also above my own family's lack of interest, and we have found that we didn't need them in our lives to be happy honestly - actually, we were happier when they were out of our lives.  Of course there were exceptions to this - for instance, Barbara's two older sisters, Tara and Sue - both of them have been amazing, and although initial "bumps" happened with them, over the years they got to know me, I got to know them, and those two are practically like sisters to me and I love them dearly.  Also, Barbara's mother has really been a great blessing to us as well - she had her issues at first too, but today we get an anniversary card every year from her, and that means a lot (she also remembers my birthday too like clockwork, and that brightens my day as well now).  The rest of the apathetic and opposition, they don't matter to us.  What matters is that we are committed to each other, and what God brought together no man can tear asunder, no matter how hard they try.

As for Barb, she is a precious and very integral part of my own life now, and after 25 years of marriage it would be inconceivable to not have her part of my life.  She is not only just part of my life, but she is part of me now, a very important part of me.  The love and appreciation I have for her grows greater with every passing day, and although I don't always feel it there, it is there;  Barb is my soulmate, my best friend, and she will be so until they stick my dead carcass in the ground.  There are many important life lessons I have learned after 25 years of marriage, and I want to share a couple of them now in conclusion.

There are two real factors that have made our marriage work for 25 years.  The first is that God Himself ordered the events that brought us together in the first place - who would have thought that a Polish girl from Wisconsin and a shy West Virginia boy would ever meet up in a small college in a rural Florida town?   Only God could make that happen.  Although it has had its challenges, our marriage has worked because we have kept God at its center - marriage is not just a piece of paper, and it is not even about a man and a woman just loving each other, but it is a sacramental union that is made possible only by ordination by God Himself.  It is important to understand that even non-Christian marriages can be long and happy, but ultimately somewhere and at some point God has to be acknowledged as being the source of that happiness.  Understanding that will make your spouse be seen in a new light - a precious gift God gave specifically to you.  And, as a precious gift, it is to be cherished, loved, and protected with one's life.

The second factor that has made our marriage work goes back to how we met.  Barbara and I were actually close friends at least 18 months before we even started dating, and initially we never had romantic intentions toward each other but did see something in each other that drew us together.  Even after we started dating, it was almost a year before we even got engaged, so we took it slow and steady.  Many people who know us - especially those who have caused us the most issues - don't understand that part of the story.   The way we built our relationship was as best friends, and to this day Barb and are still each other's best friends - we can tell each other anything, and we know we are there for each other if we need the other one.  Friendship also builds the basis of trust in a future marriage, as you have a foundation to work from, and it makes the eros that comes with the matrimonial bond more meaningful.   Too many people see breasts, asses, or other body parts and never get to know a person outside external looks, and then when those breasts sag, or the butts and other parts wrinkle or deflate, there is nothing left except externals.  When you are friends first, and truly learn to love each other, the outside doesn't matter as much - it can be enhancing, but externals fade.  It is the spirit and soul that truly matter, and being able to be friends as well as lovers is what makes a marriage strong.  Also, others base their love on material wealth - that is futile as well.  Some of the best and richest marriages consist of couples who have very little in terms of material wealth, yet they have a strong love for each other because they see each other as human beings and not as a bank book.  Wealth can also fade like looks, and in the greater picture of things wealth is irrelevant.  Therefore, to younger couples I would advise getting your minds off each other's butts and bucks, and instead get to know each other as persons.   Barb and I were blessed with being able to do that, and it has meant a great deal to both of us that we accept and love each other for who we are instead of what others expect, or how much money we make, or how tight one's butt or perky one's breasts are.  Therefore the secret to a great marriage is loving each other as God created them to be, not trying to conform one's spouse into one's own image.

The other aspect of our marriage as well is faithfulness.  Do we both think about "what if's" at times?  We do, but here is what happens in my case - often if a thought comes across my own mind about "what if I had married so-and-so years ago?"  it is quickly dissipated by a couple of things.  First, what of this other person?  Could they truly have been happy with you, or could you have been happy with them?  Then, as you think more about it, you begin to realize things, and although hard to explain you start to understand that the alternative scenario of being hitched to someone else would not have worked for whatever reasons.  Thinking that,  I myself begin to think then about how great Barb actually is, and how blessed I am to be married to her, and I then say to myself, "I already have the best, so why speculate?"  About marital fidelity, one of the best pieces of advice I got years ago was from an elderly Assemblies of God minister who told us a couple of months after we married the following gem of wisdom - "If you ever even think about cheating, just remember that all donuts have the same hole!"  To the point, pithy, but actually good advice!  That has stuck with me since too.

I guess now I want to say that Barbara is my best friend, my soulmate, and we are going to be together for as long as God allows breath to expel from our lungs, and my love for her has grown beyond emotion and "tingly feelings" - it is an integral part of who I am now, and in many ways we bring out the best in each other.  I am looking forward to another great 25 years with that best friend, soulmate, and spouse I have, and may she always know she has my unwavering love and she is the greatest part of my own life now.  I wonder what I will write here when we get to our 50th?  My guess is that it is going to be pretty much the same sentiments, but probably richer as we will definitely grow in love for each other more.  So, Happy Anniversary baby, and I hope to have many more blessed years with you.

Noblesse Oblige - Meeting Life's Expectations in a Qualifying yet Realistic Way

Some years ago, while doing some genealogy research, I came across a term that got my interest and wanted to find out more about it.   My ancestors, as I have noted before elsewhere, were of French Huguenot heritage on my father's side, but there is more to the story than just that - those same Huguenot ancestors have a heritage that spans back well over one thousand years, and gives me direct descendance from the bloodlines of many lines of European nobility.  In looking at it, a lot of things over the years began to make sense to me.  What I found out was that somehow the concept of what is called Noblesse Oblige was hardwired into my very fabric of being, and to be honest it is not something I view as a bad thing either.  Today I want to deal with that topic specifically, and also how this code that I had adhered to for many years of my life yet didn't have a term for has shaped me in so many ways.

If you look up the term Noblesse Oblige in a dictionary, it can be literally translated as "nobility obligates."  What exactly does that mean??  Essentially, it just means that something compels one to act according to their station in life - nobility is supposed to reflect honor, in this case, so the person who bears it is to act honorably.  It is a concept rooted in the ancient codes of chivalry, and to be honest it does make one more responsible for their own actions when one realizes that they represent something and therefore should represent it in the best light.  In Christian praxis, this means that if one says they are Christian, one must act, believe, and profess honestly the Christianity they claim to embrace, something that our Evangelical friends (to their credit) do take seriously, in principle if not in practice.  However, as I understand it as well, one who has Noblesse Oblige as part of their personal code must also display a grace to others - the privilege of one's heritage must be balanced, to use the dictionary explanation (in this case, Wikipedia),  by duty towards those who lack such privilege or cannot perform such duty.  In other words, in strictest terms Noblesse Oblige is rooted in a Judeo-Christian concept of dignity of personhood, and it means that a person who possesses such privilege or adheres to such a code must understand the following things:

1.  As a potential leader, it means setting a good example of behavior for others.
2.  The avoidance of pretension and conceit - you don't lord your station over others.
3.  Minimal standards of decency are to be exceeded, and excellence in morality is a goal of the person who has Noblesse Oblige as a code.
4.  The leader takes responsibility for wrong actions and mistakes, and for the greater good of his or her society they take the blame when something goes wrong as a result of them.
5.  Exemplary leadership implies being a servant rather than a master in many cases.

For many critics of this mindset, the biggest contention they have is that fulfilling a duty in appearance seems to justify privilege of the one possessing it, and it often gets misinterpreted by some as what is called jural correlative - if someone has a right, someone else owes a duty to them as a result.  I have found, though, that the critics are often the ones who carry this to extreme rather than those who adhere to Noblesse Oblige - we have seen that in recent years when whiney, immature "progressives" have, under the guise of such things as "political correctness," tried to justify stifling freedom of thought and speech by silencing those who disagree with them in violent ways, such as the nonsense we saw at Berkeley recently as well as that whole "Black Lives Matter" scam.  This, for me then, would make the critics inconsistent, as socialism and "progressivism" often seek to subjugate the convictions of the individual by making them conform with the accepted "groupthink" they themselves are propagating.  Noblesse Oblige, in its truest sense, would oppose such behavior - rather, it affirms that the dignity of personhood is paramount, and with that dignity of personhood comes responsibility to act as a civilized human being, no matter what one's station in life is.  Nobility, in that case, is not confined to just aristocratic titles, but rather extends to those who act nobly.  Often, the poorest among us have a better concept of Noblesse Oblige than do the elites, and in my own case, I have the aristocratic blood but have spent much of my own life on the "wrong side of the tracks," and this for me has created a synthesis of Noblesse Oblige with another code - the Appalachian Code.

Being raised in West Virginia in a poor household with a single alcoholic mother, you learn quickly about self-sufficiency, and as a result one develops a set of standards to help one not merely survive their circumstance, but to rise above it.  I had to do that on so many levels, and although often not appreciated or taken seriously in many cases, I have accomplished much.  That is because in addition to that ingrained Noblesse Oblige mentality I have, I have also learned to live by a few other standards shaped by my upbringing.  Here are a few of those:

1.  An adverse situation can be made better by exercising ingenuity, and it is the responsibility of one to be ingenious (this is called, in Appalachian vernacular, "Making Do").
2.  If someone does something for someone else, there is an unspoken obligation of the one receiving the favor to reciprocate in some way.
3.  If one promises something, it must be honored - time factors don't matter, but fulfilling the promise does.
4.  Consistency in behavior is essential - if one is striving to project something, one must be consistent and not contradict or neglect the process of achieving that behavioral goal.
5.  One must, regardless of station in life, always look out for the less-fortunate - doggedly stand up for them, help them as able to do so, and always remember one can become less-fortunate themselves.
6.  Learn to be multipotential - know a little about as much as one can, and it can be an asset later on.
7.  Never forget where one comes from - although stations in life change, we all have roots, and we have to accept and understand both positives and negatives.

I would add one other to this based on personal experience - although one may not always live up to these standards, it is important to try, and also to admit where one falls short and move forward.  The downside to any codes like these is that often times we raise the bars on ourselves so high that we fail ourselves more than we do others, who can be more understanding.  I have done that many times in my life, and it can be a difficult thing to deal with.   However, in time as I was reassured that it is OK, I was able to recollect myself and try again, and having a little more insight helped me to be more realistic about my own limitations and I was able to accomplish my goal better.  Also, patience plays into these issues as well, something else I have struggled with over the years.  I am one of those people who, when I get something in my mind, I want to make the big picture manifest itself immediately.   However, there are other factors involved which may limit the vision to being more like a puzzle - you receive a piece here, a piece there, and your job is to make the pieces fit together and that can take a process of time too.  It is the struggle of potentiality (what the ideal is to be) vs. actuality (what the situation is) which can be hard.   You know that you have this inner desire to be there, but limitations in resources and appreciation of others are binding you here, and that can be frustrating.  This is where two things help out - the Noblesse Oblige principle of setting good example plus the Appalachian ideal of using what you have and the intelligence God endowed you with to "make do" and find the solution to the problem.  Proactivity is paramount, and it becomes the bridge that connects the pieces of the puzzle.   As mentioned, we are often our own worst critic, and our own expectations can be unrealistically high, so we have to sometimes step back, lower the bar somewhat, and move onto Plan B.  This realism sort of tempers the more lofty aspects of Noblesse Oblige and it makes them more attainable by redirecting our focus on what resources we do have to work them as well as how to use them to the most efficient advantage.  And, that is the hard part - we must contend with impatience, opposition from others, and disadvantage when material resources are not adequate to carry out the goal we need to achieve.  Cultivating this patience doesn't in any way contradict Noblesse Oblige, but rather makes it more doable in that we now can realistically meet reasonable expectations and can minimize frustration and disappointment of ourselves and others.  It was the Appalachian influence that helped me do this in many cases.

So, how did I achieve that, you probably ask?  I point to one thing - imagination.  Imagination is often dismissed as being unrealistic and an exercise in futility, but it must instead be seen as a gift we are endowed with to motivate us.  When I was a kid, I read a lot, and I also fantasized about many things too - I wanted to set up my own kingdom, and had it in mind to carve up the eastern part of Brazil as my own little empire (yes, I thought like that between the ages of 9 and 11!).  As I formulated those plans, I would incorporate things I had read, and in my mind I could see it happening.  Of course, it never did - I am not wearing a crown today, and actually live very modestly on a personal domain that consists of the household my wife and I built together.  However, reading that stuff did help me in other ways - it often made a rough childhood go smoother, and an active imagination encouraged me to explore and seek out things, whether that entailed tramping around in the woods that covered the surrounding hills of our house in Kirby, WV, back then or voraciously reading that whole set of World Book Encyclopedias as well as a gourmet cookbook, a set of story books, and even stuff my mother had about the Jonestown murders, the Charles Manson issue, and other weird material I was reading at that age.  Much of that knowledge would serve me well later actually, which is why I am now finishing up a Masters degree in about 6 months.

The natural bi-product of seeking out knowledge and digesting it is also the ability to regurgitate it into the form I can express and make practical use of it, and that is why early on I got into writing down personal thoughts, as well as engaging in a practice called "self-directed speech."  In case you don't know what the latter is, essentially it means I talk to myself (see a previous article).  A behavior that "normal" society condemns often as being the manifestation of insanity is in reality the expression of creativity - "talking out" your ideas, thoughts, etc., often aids in problem-solving and also eventual implementation of ideas.  When you are not taken seriously by anyone around you a lot of times, this becomes a necessary discourse for self-expression.  That is why today I value time to myself, and I often get short-tempered and impatient with people - like my meddling mother, who can be a pain in the butt! - who get in my way.  This is why personal journals (soon I want to cover that as a subject in itself here) and self-directed speech are to be encouraged.  If you are a parent and you have a child that does this, don't punish them or make light of them, as they may be developing their own future success in life.

I just went down a short rabbit-trail to connect self-expression and self-expectation as they relate to personal codes of chivalry and ethics.  Knowing one's self is the key to meeting realistic expectations of our own standards, and it may provide valuable insight into how to practically carry out those objectives without over-extending ourselves or facing disappointment.  The "entitlement crowd" of "politically-correct," socially-irresponsible Millennials (and the loony Boomers and Xers of previous generations who empower them) whining about "safe spaces" and the "privilege" of others has created a lot of unnecessary and loud static which inhibits and even prohibits true creative self-expression and behavioral growth.  This post-modern iconoclasm has in essence sought to suppress individuality while claiming to embrace it, and it has generated an atmosphere of irresponsibility, laziness, and intolerance for others who have unique perspective, and that is the failure of these movements like "Occupy Wall Street," "Black Lives Matter," and the whole culture of "political correctness."   The "safe spaces" of its proponents are in reality some of the most oppressive of suppressive acts, and it also promotes selfishness and depersonalization of others.  That is why I continue to embrace what many "progressives" would call an antiquated, archaic chivalric code, because at least with standards I can respect the "progressive" better than they can respect me.  I also have the clarity of knowing when to either shut up or to tune out the din and clutter of post-modern society in order to refocus myself when the need arises, and that gives me a perspective that many of this generation lack because now they somehow mistakenly think it is a "good" thing to deprive themselves of that.  It is imperative that we as a society get a priority of establishing boundaries and standards back, but at this point it may even be necessary to let the society implode upon itself, as many of its participants are beyond reason and may need to learn a hard lesson on their own.  If that is the case, and if America's fate is self-implosion into its own shortcomings, then those of us who are not part of that melee need to separate ourselves from it, stand back, and let things take their course, as there may be no other way.   At the same time, we need to insure we have the liberty to lead our lives, be allowed to hold our convictions, and exercise our own self-expression without anarchic mobs of immature "radicals" trying to exterminate us for doing so.  This may in time mean that many of us may have to disconnect from the surrounding society, and maybe find our own true "safe space" to re-establish order, decency, and standards of self-conduct becoming to who we are.   However, I am starting to venture into the political realm, and that is a discussion for another time.

It is time to conclude this discourse by summarizing what we need to take from it.  First, standards are important, and by all means preserve them.  However, we should know our limitations too - the true essence of Noblesse Oblige is responsible action based on realistic expectations to fulfill the obligation of acting appropriately to our station in life.  We use what we have been endowed with, making wise choices and the most out of those endowments, and we do it for the betterment of the society around us as well as of ourselves.  If we can master that, then there is hope for our communities, families, and even our nation.  Thanks for allowing me to pontificate, and until next time, keep yourself in perspective with realistic expectations and responsible action.

Showing Others You Deserve Better Treatment as a Person

This is, in reality, one of the hardest blog posts I have had to put together, as it entails some personally sensitive material about myself that to be honest I have been afraid to say anything about.  However, recently I came to a realization that there needs to be a sort of personal transformation in my life, as in many ways I have been denied things that should have otherwise been mine in the first place.  This is a practical and personal reflection, and in no way claims to be theological or connected to spirituality.  There are some dimensions where the theological/spiritual simply don't apply, and a lot of times it has to do with lifelong interactions with family and others.  That is what I want to address today.

For many reading this, there may be little (if any) relevance, as you may have come from loving, supporting families and generally everything you touch turns to gold.  If that is you, then I in no way am envious of you, and you should be very proud of what you have accomplished.  However, this reflection may create a disconnect with you if you are that person, so don't take it personally when I say what I am about to say.  That being said, let's talk about the others of us.

Some of you reading this may be feeling a lot of pent-up frustration - you have worked your butt off, excelled, and yet you are still not taken seriously by those who we mistakenly think matter most - relatives, in-laws, colleagues who may have done this or that, etc.  If you are that person, you are who this article is for, because I am that person myself.  This is a major part of my history, and maybe by sharing it I hope that if you are also that person, maybe it will cause you to think "Gee, I am not alone out there!"  And, you truly are not alone - I am about to tell you some things that normally are very sensitive for me to talk about, and as I do so, look inside and think as to whether or not you have had that type of struggle.  That being said, let's get started.

Barb and I love to watch the various Star Trek series that have come out over the years, and two in particular (Voyager and The Next Generation) have intermittently at times featured a character by the name of Reginald Barclay (who is played masterfully by actor Dwight Schultz, who you will also remember as Murdock from The A Team).  Barclay is brilliant, and he is a fairly capable Star Fleet officer, but often times he is overlooked and not taken seriously because of how he appears to others - he displays insecurity, an inability to articulate his thoughts well, and often in frustration he acts impulsively to get his point across.  When I see Barclay on Star Trek, I cannot help having empathy with his character, as I can see myself a lot in him.  It is at this point I am struggling as to where to start too, because this story has to have a beginning and an identification of the root issue, but how to do it is a challenge.  So, let's start a fresh paragraph and see how I can relate this to my story.

I grew up in a family that was, well, not exactly Rockwellesque - they will not be doing Christmas paintings any time soon based on any of my relatives, I will put it that way.   In my mother's family, for instance, there was never really any show of affection or support for anyone, and although there may have been love there somewhere, it was not displayed.  When I was a kid in particular, I was seen as a sort of "toy" by some aunts, uncles, and older cousins, and sometimes it got to be rather insensitive as to how they acted at times.  To take the most notable example, I will use my hatred for anything vinegary and in particular pickles of any sort.  As a kid, I never really liked them at all, but unfortunately the way some of my family acts, they pick up on something like that and use it as a tool of amusement against people, not realizing what sort of damage they cause.  As a result, today I don't merely dislike pickles, but I hate them with a passion - I even vomit when I smell them, and I don't want to touch one and it ruins a meal if one is even in close proximity to the table or plate I am eating from.  Even to this day, my family on my mother's side treats this like a big joke - they will wave those damned things in my face and say stuff like, "have a pickle, Davie - haw haw haw!"  If you are doing stuff like this to your kids, or if anyone else is, then please stop doing it - your kids are persons created with all the dignity of being every human has, and they don't deserve that.  You are sending the message to them that they don't matter, and that all they are is just something to play with until you grow old and they get bored with you.  To be honest, the relatives who perpetrate this ought to be fined for abuse, as that is exactly what it is.  Traumatizing young children just so you can have a good laugh out of it is wrong, it is stupid, it is immoral, and it epitomizes cruelty.  That sort of behavior will one day end up coming back to bite the people who commit it in the rear too.

Another thing I want to talk about is gossip and negativity.  I have an elderly aunt on my mother's side of the family who is one of the last of her siblings still alive.  When I was little, this aunt used to be one of my favorite people - I spent a week or so on occasion at her house when I was little, and it was always fun.  But, this too is an illusion - when I grew older, she stopped staying in touch with me because of a "beef" my mother had with the family, and I felt like I was being punished for it.  In my adulthood, I have seen her a few times in recent years - she is in declining health, and she may not live much longer.  But, she is also bitter, and gossip and negativity about family members seems to be the major topic of conversation when she and one of my grandparents (who is her older sibling) get together - if you listen to these people, a lot of lies, slander, and badmouthing of their own kids, grandkids, and other relatives starts to make one think, "OK, if they are badmouthing everyone else in the family, what will be said about me when I leave?"   A grandparent often says when I talk on the phone with them that "Aunt so-and-so has been asking about you, so you should go see them when you visit."  Problem is, I don't have the desire to any longer - I don't need trash-talking of other relatives, nor do I want to provide fuel for a gossip firestorm about me either.  It is one of those situations where it is the case that if nothing good can be said about anyone, then it is not worth my time to listen.  If you have gossiping relatives like that, it is up to you to decide whether to be around them or not, but for your personal well-being and peace of mind, if you don't feel comfortable with it don't go.

Now, let me turn my attention to in-laws!  In-laws can sometimes be like a second family if you get good ones, and even the imperfect ones on occasion will come around eventually.  Most of mine are generally pretty decent, but there are some of them who personally I would rather not deal with.  A couple of them have done fairly well for themselves over the years (good for them - nothing wrong with a little success being the fruit of hard work) and they are in a socio-income bracket which is somewhat different from mine.  These same particular individuals also claim to be "religious" and are always spouting off "christianese" of some sort, peppering their conversations with it ad nauseum.  However, looks can be deceiving - beneath that veneer of religiosity with these people lies hearts filled with judgmentalism, gossip, condemnation of others, etc.  Out of one side of their mouth - in particular, one in-law who at one time worked for a major Evangelical college! - they are saying "Oh, the Lord is good!" or, "I pray for this one or that one."  Yet, out of the other side of that same person's mouth, I have seen them defame and shred to pieces another of their own siblings who was going through a tough time - this person even sent emails to strangers about their own sibling that were so mean-spirited it would make the last Presidential election look like a prayer meeting!   This person tried to have their sibling fired from their job, arrested, and so many other things, and no restitution to the offended party was truly ever made.  The sibling in question still stings from those wounds to this day.  And, I will not even get into the garbage and lies they spouted about me over the years - they made it up in their minds to basically hate me before they even met me, and they have been condemning, judgmental, and nasty with me ever since, all the while appealing to how "Christian" they are.  In-laws like this are a malady that needs to be purged - you don't need them in your life, and neither does your spouse, and there is a reason why.  Nine chances out of ten, the unjust treatment you are receiving from unpleasant in-laws is reflexive of how they are feeling about your spouse, who is their flesh-and-blood.  In my wife's case, she is the youngest, and they have never fully appreciated or respected her although she has done some incredible things in her life and I personally am proud of my wife's accomplishments - she worked her butt off, and I have witnessed it and have always supported her for it.  The meddling in-laws need to be told to jump off a high cliff somewhere and get their dirty crap-hunting noses out of your life and business, and they cannot be enabled by complicity - it is easy, especially for the spouse who is the sibling, to just "write it off" as "they have done this for years and I ignore it."  In reality, your spouse is hurt from that behavior too, and your job as the husband or wife is to not only be an encouragement, but also to be that occasional boot in the rear that compels your spouse to stand up for themselves against sibling bullies and tell them what they can do to themselves if necessary.   Until they do, the bad behavior on the part of in-laws will continue.  I have learned over the years too that although every fiber of your being wants to whale the tar out of that pain-in-the-arse in-law who is causing problems, it is sometimes best to keep a low profile until either the right moment or until your spouse, who loves you and is married to you for a reason, finally reaches that point where "enough is enough!" and they let them have it!  Remember, when an in-law picks on the spouse of their siblings, they are also insulting the sibling who married the spouse - it is their way of saying that your spouse doesn't meet their standards and usually it is a way for them to use coercion to mess in your life.  When they do that, it is time to put your foot down and say "STOP!!!" as your choice of life mate was not to please them, but because of the love you have for each other - that is what really matters.  The in-law who has a problem with that can frankly - and yes, I am going to say it! - go to hell in a handbasket with roller skates.  Enough said.

Let's now turn attention to parents.  In my family, I came from a broken home - I had an absentee dad who found ways to either coerce and control me when he could, and a mother who was so apathetic and indifferent that all she wanted to do was sit around and drink herself into a stupor.  I have been caught between them a lot over the years, as their divorce was not pretty and they pretty much despise each other even to this day.  Thing is though, I see things from another angle, and from my perspective neither of my parents have been a great prize.   Starting too from the age of 9, I pretty much had to figure out things by myself as I went through life - my parents were no help, and had no involvement in my life except when it was absolutely necessary for them to do so.  I am reminded of two movies here when I think of this.  The first was a movie called Matilda, where a super-intelligent little girl was sort of disregarded and rejected by deadbeat parents who were more stuck on themselves rather than taking an interest in raising a gifted daughter.  Along the same lines I also think of the movie Simon Birch, in which a dwarf kid is basically treated by his parents as nothing but in the end he sacrifices himself to save a busload of dying kids from a church camp.  My parents unfortunately shared a lot in common with both sets of parents from these movies, and as a result I never truly had a support grid to help me develop when I was younger and even to this day I still am a sort of "do-it-myself" individual who has made a lot of mistakes over the years while laboring under the mistaken notion that only I can do anything to help my own situation.  It was so bad that even when I graduated from college, all I had at my college graduation - after four years of hard work and earning a degree - was just my wife; neither of my parents cared to show up.  And, that still stings to this day.  I have come to the conclusion that I am the best of whatever my parents had, and I do better without them.  If you are in a similar situation - you may even be a kid or teenager in that situation - there are outlets you have to build your own support base.  Keep a journal for one thing - journaling is therapeutic in so many ways, and it helps sort out many things.  Also, don't be afraid of self-directed speech - it is OK to talk to yourself, especially when no one else listens!  Finally, there are going to be people who will see potential in you (teachers, neighbors, and on occasion even other more enlightened relatives) and they will act as mentors to you - value that, and always remember to appreciate them for it.  One further thing - develop interests.  One term that is bandied about these days that I have just read up on is something called multipotentiality, which means that you develop an interest in a variety of things,  I want to spend a little time talking about that now.

A multipotentialite is a person who will be a paradox to many around them.  These type of people are often rejected, wrongly labeled as being without direction, and even called "flighty."  In reality though, these type of people are the raw material of genius, and it is even more important that they develop an interest in different disciplines as an outlet of self-expression.  I am myself like that, in that I write, collect music, am a history buff, and of course my interest in religion, genealogy, etc.  I also draw, cook, hunt, fish, and do so many other things too.  Engaging in a variety of interests can be an important oasis in a disadvantageous situation, and as you engage in these activities, there is no need to involve disinterested parents, in-laws, or extended family in them; if they don't appreciate you anyway, screw them (yes, I am being blunt again, sorry!).  You are doing this for you, not for them - on occasion, people will be brought into your life who will see the potential, and maybe they are there for the purpose of helping you channel that potential into something more formal, and if so count it as a blessing.  In time though, you will mature to realize that you can't do it all, and perhaps you can focus on a strong area to cultivate into a potential career or passion, and as you excel in it you will also be flinging proverbial pies in the face of your detractors, and it will be them who will look stupid, not you.  And, so what if these individuals think it's a waste of time - again, screw them!  You are not doing it for their benefit, but for yours.  And, in the end it can bear some rich fruit, although it may take time to cultivate it.

There is a lot more that can be said, and again, I know I was a little blunt on some language - blunter than I usually am.  However, some things just need saying, and this is one of those cases.  So, what do we learn from all of this?  Here are a few things:

1.  Negative family and in-laws are deadwood, a total nuisance, and they will sap you of your passion if you let them - learn to stand up and say "No!" when the situation warrants it.

2.  Don't be afraid to be yourself, and don't let anyone try to coerce you into being something you are not.  Your personhood has as its most valuable asset its individuality, and no one can rob that.

3.  Don't be afraid to pursue your interests, no matter what anyone says - you are doing it for you, not for them.  If they don't like that, they know what they can do, right?

4.  For what you accomplish in life, you deserve better.  If you work hard for it, you should pursue and not settle for less.  If your deadbeat relatives and gossipy in-laws don't like that, well...they know what to do there too.

5. Finally, you are above the judgment, gossip, and badmouthing of ignorant relatives - if they don't appreciate you for who you are, and are always trying to find fault and make sport of you, they are not worth your trouble, so don't feel guilty about staying away from them.

These things are not meant to be a theological discourse, which is why I am not treating them as such and am instead focusing on it based upon personal experience and what I have learned of personalist philosophy.  People need to learn that they cannot treat others of us as jokes, their own personal doormats, and as less than what we are - no one has that right, and it does violence against one's personhood.  Therefore, it is OK to stand up for yourself - if for no other reason, it can empower others who have been on the receiving end of treatments like this too.  That being said, in coming months I hope to address and articulate other aspects of this whole subject, as in doing so it helps me too.  Take care until next visit.

The Ridiculous Saga of the "Chewbacca Mom"

Last year, a woman in Texas by the name of Candace Payne decides to buy a Chewbacca mask on a whim, and then proceeds to laugh like a hyena while she films herself doing so.  The saga of "Chewbacca Mom" was born as a result of that foray into amateur YouTube video production.  Under normal circumstances, this would be just another novelty video that would get a couple of hits on YouTube, a few comments on social media, and then it would die.  However, Payne turned this impromptu video into one of the most successful shuck-and-jive enterprises since Rev. Ike was selling swamp water on TV decades past.  I have some serious concerns about this, as eventually it also involved the university I graduated from, which honestly has been heading in the crapper over the past 20 years anyway - this was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Payne in her "Chewbacca Mom" getup

My alma mater, Southeastern University in Lakeland, FL, gave the "Chewbacca Mom" and her whole family full scholarships amounting to a sum of $400K.  The new "hunky and trendy" President of Southeastern, Dr. Kent Ingle, stated as his reasoning for this as being "Candace has inspired us and others with her joy.  We want her and her family to experience some of that same joy through this gift (of scholarships)." (Eric Pera, "Laughter Brings Fame, Southeastern University Scholarships for 'Chewbacca Mom.' "  in The Lakeland Ledger, June 1, 2016).  However, I and many other alumni, as well as even some secular observers, see this as a huge publicity stunt with little relevence to anything.  Let me explain.

Many alumni of Southeastern, and even some of its current students, are really struggling.  They have amassed huge student loan debts to pay for a degree from that school, and often they cannot even get the job they worked so hard to prepare for.  For instance, there is Fran, a lady who went to school there at around the same time I did - Fran was an honor student with a brilliant IQ, and she was also a veteran of the Armed Forces who served her country faithfully.  Yet, in recent years, Fran has had to live on the street, and she struggles still on a modest income although her life has improved somewhat.  Then there is Brock, a young graduate theology major from just a couple of years ago. Brock has a heart and passion for his vocation, but while at Southeastern he had to sell his motorcycle just to pay for textbooks, and as I recall, that motorcycle was possibly his primary transportation.  Then there is another former graduate student whom I will call JC - she came to the school with high hopes, and ended up due to lack of funds living in a flophouse because she couldn't afford the dorm.  Even myself too - I have about $60K in student loan debt from those years, and I am sure there are hundreds of other stories like this too.  One of them is pretty recent - a young married student named August explained that he had student loan debt, has to hold down two jobs, and supports a family on top of all that (www.foxnews.com/us/2016/chewbacca-mom-her-family-receive-full-scholarships-to-southeastern-university.html, accessed 5/10/2017).  Maybe if these people had put on a goofy mask and laughed like a fool, they may have had their education paid for and been all set - that seems to be how things work in Dr. Ingle's preppy rainbows-and-lollipop world.  In response to Ingle's statement about "inspiration," I agree with my fellow alumna Karen Pansler-Lam who notes on her website in addressing this issue the following - What is inspiring about a woman's hysterical laughter while wearing a bizarre toy mask?  Good question - I wonder what Kent Ingle's answer to that would be?

Southeastern University was founded originally as a Pentecostal Bible college back in the 1930's, and as such over the years (at least until recently!) it was at one time a pretty sound place to receive an education in Judeo-Christian worldview.   Yet, reflexive of the decline and secularization of American Evangelicalism as a whole, Southeastern in the past 20 or so years has lost much of its focus - I mean, when the local newspaper described Ingle as "hunky and trendy" when he was chosen to be the new President of the school, it doesn't reflect well on the true heritage this institution once had.  Usually, college presidents are observed in terms of their scholarship, their stature as statesmen and authorities in their field, or in the case of Christian colleges, in terms of their spirituality.  Oh, but not Ingle - he is just "hunky and trendy!"  "Dr. Hunky and the Chewbacca Mom" - sounds like an episode of Saturday Night Live, doesn't it?  It would be comical if it wasn't so tragic for so many people. 

My challenge to Ingle is this - if you're going to give a woman in a stupid toy mask all that scholarship money for doing what she did, then why don't you reward the real students and alumni of the past, those who busted their butts to excel academically and also develop spiritually, yet often they end up destitute and indebted with hundreds of thousands of dollars in student loans which they find difficult to pay because many of them are forced to work for substandard wages (if they can work at all!).  Maybe, "Dr. Hunky," you can forgive their debt and make their lives a little easier - oh, but wait a minute; your faculty members have to remodel their kitchens, buy their $300K homes, and drive their trendy cars, and the poor schlub sitting in the classroom living on ramen soup has to pay for all that.  And, the "Chewbacca Mom" is spared all that grief - well, good for her!  Maybe she too should be educated in another way - let her meet the Frans, Brocks, JC's, and Augusts who either are currently on that campus or are alumni scraping by to make ends meet, and then let's see if she deserved that scholarship package.  

A couple of years ago, I was interviewed by Chelsen Vicari of the Institute for Religion and Democracy regarding liberal theological trends at Southeastern in recent years - the flak I caught for that was dumbfounding, and I was more or less blackballed and snubbed by some of the more elitists on that campus, who hissed "how dare you!" and even called me names and besmirched my character.  Then, after going through all the propaganda to discredit my concerns, their "fearless and hunky leader" decides to commit this stupid stunt of awarding a no-name woman in a toy mask a full scholarship for just being stupid on social media - seriously???   This tells me where Southeastern's priorities lie these days, and it is shameful, scandalous, and also contradicts the original mission of this institution.  And, I will probably catch flak for saying what I said here (what else is new, right?) but sometimes the truth hurts, and Southeastern is about to get it's backside handed to it on a platter over this one - many alumni are talking, some are pulling funding, and more concern than ever about Southeastern's future is evident.  But, will "Dr. Hunky" Ingle listen and take this advice to heart?  My guess is not - he is about publicity stunts and creating cash cows for the school, and ol' "Chewbacca Mom" is his latest scheme to do so.  As I write this, I am due to get one of the appeal letters from Ingle - those make good lining in my cat's litterbox, so thank you Ingle.  Take care until next time. 

Goodbye to a Dear Friend and Neighbor

Ellen Haslacker (1937-2017)

It is one of the great blessings in life when you have a neighbor that becomes not only a close friend, but also practically like family.  Over the years, I have lived around a great diversity of people - some were decent, others a royal pain in the backside - but on occasion there comes that special person that really endears themselves to you, and they become an important part of your life.  Back when I was a teenager in Kirby, WV, one such person was a lady who just loved life and hardly ever had a frown on her face, even when she was not feeling her best.  Ellen Haslacker was truly one of a kind, and on Easter Sunday I got the unfortunate news that she had passed away.  I want to spend a little time today talking about her a little, as she truly has had a great impact on many people who knew her.

The first time we encountered Ellen was back in the beginning of 1982, when she and her family - her late husband Hubert (1935-2009), and their youngest daughter Teresa - moved about two doors down from us. The Haslackers had lived there for a few months until another neighbor, Luann Campbell, formally introduced us sometime around May of that year.  Of course, up to that time I had seen their daughter Teresa in school - she was a grade behind me but we had the same teacher, as at the little Grassy Lick School there in Kirby each teacher taught two grades.  I was actually quite enchanted with Teresa - to me she was the cutest thing I had seen, and I really developed a crush on her.  However, the crush never really went anywhere, as I was a shy, introverted pre-teen then and a combination of being scared of rejection and of her daddy Hubert (a BIG guy incidentally!) who had a no-boys policy in place regarding his daughter's social life, I chose to be respectful and Teresa and I became close friends later.  After finally getting introduced to the family, we began to visit more - usually I visited, as Mother was often too lazy to venture outside the house.  It was soon also evident after meeting the Haslackers that we had more in common with them than we thought though, and that played a big part in our friendship too.

Ellen was, interesting enough, born in Rowlesburg, a town I was very familiar with.  Much of my own roots could be traced back to there, and about 3 years after meeting the Haslackers I would be actually living back there myself again.  Her mother Ocie Thomas (1908-2000) was a devout little Pentecostal lady who attended a little Oneness Pentecostal church in Rowlesburg, and she often visited Ellen too and we got to know her well also.  She had also come from a fairly large family (she had 10 siblings!) and her father Carl Thomas was also a good buddy back in the day to Walter Masters, who was the late husband of Myrt, the little lady Mom and I looked after in Terra Alta during my high school years.  With us coming from just south of Rowlesburg in Parsons, this forged a common identity of "sense of place" with Ellen, as we all came from similar backgrounds.  At this time, all of Ellen's siblings save her little sister Margie (who still lives in Preston County) have also passed on, and for the most part that generation in their family has went onto better reward.   

We lived nextdoor to the Haslackers for about two years, until we all eventually moved in different directions - Ellen and Hubert settled eventually in nearby Buffalo Hollow, just north of Romney, and Mom and I moved with my grandmother Elsie and step-grandfather Lonnie in August 1985 first to Wardensville, WV, and then later that year to Rowlesburg.   After everyone scattered to the winds, we still kept in touch with the Haslackers for many years on occasion, and the last time I recall talking to Ellen was approximately 10 years ago I believe.  At that time, Ellen had begun to have a few health issues - she had suffered a lot from both colitis and severe migraine headaches even back when we all were in Kirby - and in time after Hubert's passing in 2009 she eventually lived with her next-oldest daughter Julie for a while near Keyser until eventually being placed in convalescence in Romney.  I actually regret not keeping more in touch with her in recent years, but unfortunately life and its demands makes one forget important things.  However, Ellen has always been a special part of my own story, and she will be both fondly remembered as well as sorely missed.

A few of those fond memories that I have of Ellen centered upon our Kirby years.  Ellen was a great cook, and it was not unusual to occasionally have a midday meal over at her house - she made a decent fried chicken, and also I learned how to make homemade potato chips from her.  It was not uncommon for us to visit and chat for hours, and Ellen was almost like a second mother to me personally.  And, she was always a fun-loving lady - she loved to laugh, and almost like a teenager herself she could be an active participant in pranks directed at some of the town drunks that pestered us.  On one occasion, one of those drunks named Vernon Bowen came over to our house, and while he was preoccupied Ellen and I decided to "whip up" a concoction when he asked for a drink.  To this day I don't know what all we put in that, but it involved Pepsi, vanilla, cayenne pepper, cooking oil, baking soda, and God only knows what else.  Vernon, being too drunk to even know what was going on, drank that mess and thought it was the best drink he ever had, so he bought us a case of Pepsis for our trouble, which Ellen and I divvied up between us.  What was even funnier about this was that when he was walking home that night, he actually fell off the Grassy Lick bridge into the creek!  On another occasion we spiked another drunk's Skoal tobacco with hot peppers, and that was a hoot too - Ellen was good at scheming, that is for sure!  But, the next story was probably one of the funniest yet.

Mom and Ellen were also pretty close, and Ellen kind of looked out for Mom as well, due to the fact Mom drank a lot and could do some bone-headed things back then.  On one occasion, there was a Fourth of July party down at the local American Legion hall, and Mom, being a veteran and member, was invited and did attend.  They had kegs of beer there, and earlier in the day Ellen told Mom to let her know when the party was over, as she had some water jugs she'd give Mom to take home some of the leftover libations.  Well, the party wound down at around 2-3AM that morning, and although Mother was too sloshed to remember much else, she did remember about Ellen's offer of water jugs, and so in the wee hours of the morning she is banging on Ellen's bedroom window, and in a hissed whisper she asks "Ellen, do you have the jugs ready!"  Ellen was, like most other normal people in town, deep in sleep, and in a half-awake, half-aware voice Ellen mumbles in response, "Forget the jugs!"  (that is not exactly what Ellen said, as I cleaned it up - she actually said another word with an F that would be inappropriate to say here, and it's understandable because when you are half-asleep one says things, but it was all still funny and we all got a good laugh later). Mom, somehow seeing that Ellen was not going to be getting up anytime soon, resorted to commandeering a large trash can somewhere and filling it with the free beer, and somehow she managed to drag that thing home.  That story is still classic to this day. 

As you can see, life with Ellen as a neighbor was never boring and always fun, and when we moved away in 1985, I really missed those times.   As mentioned though, I also had a huge crush on her daughter Teresa, and Ellen told me years later that she actually was secretly hoping Teresa and I would eventually get together and one day get married, but that of course never happened.  Teresa eventually found the guy she loved and had a nice family with him, and in 1992 I married Barb and we have been happily married for over 25 years, as that ultimately was God's plan for us.  But, Ellen was always still a great part of our lives, and she'll be greatly missed.  At her passing, she left four kids behind - her oldest Windy from a previous marriage prior to Hubert who lives in Ohio, and her three kids with Hubert - Robert, her oldest son, who now lives in California; Julie, her second daughter who lives with her husband in Burlington, WV, and of course Teresa and her husband Sonny who live in Romney.  According to the obituary, it looks like Ellen was even a great-great grandmother too, as possibly a couple of Windy's grandkids produced those.  

Our loss on this earth and in this life of Ellen is heaven's gain, as there is little doubt that Ellen was a person of faith and she became more so as she got older.  So, the good news is that one day we can see her again.  Rest eternal, Ellen, and may Light Perpetual shine upon you.