Showing Others You Deserve Better Treatment as a Person

This is, in reality, one of the hardest blog posts I have had to put together, as it entails some personally sensitive material about myself that to be honest I have been afraid to say anything about.  However, recently I came to a realization that there needs to be a sort of personal transformation in my life, as in many ways I have been denied things that should have otherwise been mine in the first place.  This is a practical and personal reflection, and in no way claims to be theological or connected to spirituality.  There are some dimensions where the theological/spiritual simply don't apply, and a lot of times it has to do with lifelong interactions with family and others.  That is what I want to address today.

For many reading this, there may be little (if any) relevance, as you may have come from loving, supporting families and generally everything you touch turns to gold.  If that is you, then I in no way am envious of you, and you should be very proud of what you have accomplished.  However, this reflection may create a disconnect with you if you are that person, so don't take it personally when I say what I am about to say.  That being said, let's talk about the others of us.

Some of you reading this may be feeling a lot of pent-up frustration - you have worked your butt off, excelled, and yet you are still not taken seriously by those who we mistakenly think matter most - relatives, in-laws, colleagues who may have done this or that, etc.  If you are that person, you are who this article is for, because I am that person myself.  This is a major part of my history, and maybe by sharing it I hope that if you are also that person, maybe it will cause you to think "Gee, I am not alone out there!"  And, you truly are not alone - I am about to tell you some things that normally are very sensitive for me to talk about, and as I do so, look inside and think as to whether or not you have had that type of struggle.  That being said, let's get started.

Barb and I love to watch the various Star Trek series that have come out over the years, and two in particular (Voyager and The Next Generation) have intermittently at times featured a character by the name of Reginald Barclay (who is played masterfully by actor Dwight Schultz, who you will also remember as Murdock from The A Team).  Barclay is brilliant, and he is a fairly capable Star Fleet officer, but often times he is overlooked and not taken seriously because of how he appears to others - he displays insecurity, an inability to articulate his thoughts well, and often in frustration he acts impulsively to get his point across.  When I see Barclay on Star Trek, I cannot help having empathy with his character, as I can see myself a lot in him.  It is at this point I am struggling as to where to start too, because this story has to have a beginning and an identification of the root issue, but how to do it is a challenge.  So, let's start a fresh paragraph and see how I can relate this to my story.

I grew up in a family that was, well, not exactly Rockwellesque - they will not be doing Christmas paintings any time soon based on any of my relatives, I will put it that way.   In my mother's family, for instance, there was never really any show of affection or support for anyone, and although there may have been love there somewhere, it was not displayed.  When I was a kid in particular, I was seen as a sort of "toy" by some aunts, uncles, and older cousins, and sometimes it got to be rather insensitive as to how they acted at times.  To take the most notable example, I will use my hatred for anything vinegary and in particular pickles of any sort.  As a kid, I never really liked them at all, but unfortunately the way some of my family acts, they pick up on something like that and use it as a tool of amusement against people, not realizing what sort of damage they cause.  As a result, today I don't merely dislike pickles, but I hate them with a passion - I even vomit when I smell them, and I don't want to touch one and it ruins a meal if one is even in close proximity to the table or plate I am eating from.  Even to this day, my family on my mother's side treats this like a big joke - they will wave those damned things in my face and say stuff like, "have a pickle, Davie - haw haw haw!"  If you are doing stuff like this to your kids, or if anyone else is, then please stop doing it - your kids are persons created with all the dignity of being every human has, and they don't deserve that.  You are sending the message to them that they don't matter, and that all they are is just something to play with until you grow old and they get bored with you.  To be honest, the relatives who perpetrate this ought to be fined for abuse, as that is exactly what it is.  Traumatizing young children just so you can have a good laugh out of it is wrong, it is stupid, it is immoral, and it epitomizes cruelty.  That sort of behavior will one day end up coming back to bite the people who commit it in the rear too.

Another thing I want to talk about is gossip and negativity.  I have an elderly aunt on my mother's side of the family who is one of the last of her siblings still alive.  When I was little, this aunt used to be one of my favorite people - I spent a week or so on occasion at her house when I was little, and it was always fun.  But, this too is an illusion - when I grew older, she stopped staying in touch with me because of a "beef" my mother had with the family, and I felt like I was being punished for it.  In my adulthood, I have seen her a few times in recent years - she is in declining health, and she may not live much longer.  But, she is also bitter, and gossip and negativity about family members seems to be the major topic of conversation when she and one of my grandparents (who is her older sibling) get together - if you listen to these people, a lot of lies, slander, and badmouthing of their own kids, grandkids, and other relatives starts to make one think, "OK, if they are badmouthing everyone else in the family, what will be said about me when I leave?"   A grandparent often says when I talk on the phone with them that "Aunt so-and-so has been asking about you, so you should go see them when you visit."  Problem is, I don't have the desire to any longer - I don't need trash-talking of other relatives, nor do I want to provide fuel for a gossip firestorm about me either.  It is one of those situations where it is the case that if nothing good can be said about anyone, then it is not worth my time to listen.  If you have gossiping relatives like that, it is up to you to decide whether to be around them or not, but for your personal well-being and peace of mind, if you don't feel comfortable with it don't go.

Now, let me turn my attention to in-laws!  In-laws can sometimes be like a second family if you get good ones, and even the imperfect ones on occasion will come around eventually.  Most of mine are generally pretty decent, but there are some of them who personally I would rather not deal with.  A couple of them have done fairly well for themselves over the years (good for them - nothing wrong with a little success being the fruit of hard work) and they are in a socio-income bracket which is somewhat different from mine.  These same particular individuals also claim to be "religious" and are always spouting off "christianese" of some sort, peppering their conversations with it ad nauseum.  However, looks can be deceiving - beneath that veneer of religiosity with these people lies hearts filled with judgmentalism, gossip, condemnation of others, etc.  Out of one side of their mouth - in particular, one in-law who at one time worked for a major Evangelical college! - they are saying "Oh, the Lord is good!" or, "I pray for this one or that one."  Yet, out of the other side of that same person's mouth, I have seen them defame and shred to pieces another of their own siblings who was going through a tough time - this person even sent emails to strangers about their own sibling that were so mean-spirited it would make the last Presidential election look like a prayer meeting!   This person tried to have their sibling fired from their job, arrested, and so many other things, and no restitution to the offended party was truly ever made.  The sibling in question still stings from those wounds to this day.  And, I will not even get into the garbage and lies they spouted about me over the years - they made it up in their minds to basically hate me before they even met me, and they have been condemning, judgmental, and nasty with me ever since, all the while appealing to how "Christian" they are.  In-laws like this are a malady that needs to be purged - you don't need them in your life, and neither does your spouse, and there is a reason why.  Nine chances out of ten, the unjust treatment you are receiving from unpleasant in-laws is reflexive of how they are feeling about your spouse, who is their flesh-and-blood.  In my wife's case, she is the youngest, and they have never fully appreciated or respected her although she has done some incredible things in her life and I personally am proud of my wife's accomplishments - she worked her butt off, and I have witnessed it and have always supported her for it.  The meddling in-laws need to be told to jump off a high cliff somewhere and get their dirty crap-hunting noses out of your life and business, and they cannot be enabled by complicity - it is easy, especially for the spouse who is the sibling, to just "write it off" as "they have done this for years and I ignore it."  In reality, your spouse is hurt from that behavior too, and your job as the husband or wife is to not only be an encouragement, but also to be that occasional boot in the rear that compels your spouse to stand up for themselves against sibling bullies and tell them what they can do to themselves if necessary.   Until they do, the bad behavior on the part of in-laws will continue.  I have learned over the years too that although every fiber of your being wants to whale the tar out of that pain-in-the-arse in-law who is causing problems, it is sometimes best to keep a low profile until either the right moment or until your spouse, who loves you and is married to you for a reason, finally reaches that point where "enough is enough!" and they let them have it!  Remember, when an in-law picks on the spouse of their siblings, they are also insulting the sibling who married the spouse - it is their way of saying that your spouse doesn't meet their standards and usually it is a way for them to use coercion to mess in your life.  When they do that, it is time to put your foot down and say "STOP!!!" as your choice of life mate was not to please them, but because of the love you have for each other - that is what really matters.  The in-law who has a problem with that can frankly - and yes, I am going to say it! - go to hell in a handbasket with roller skates.  Enough said.

Let's now turn attention to parents.  In my family, I came from a broken home - I had an absentee dad who found ways to either coerce and control me when he could, and a mother who was so apathetic and indifferent that all she wanted to do was sit around and drink herself into a stupor.  I have been caught between them a lot over the years, as their divorce was not pretty and they pretty much despise each other even to this day.  Thing is though, I see things from another angle, and from my perspective neither of my parents have been a great prize.   Starting too from the age of 9, I pretty much had to figure out things by myself as I went through life - my parents were no help, and had no involvement in my life except when it was absolutely necessary for them to do so.  I am reminded of two movies here when I think of this.  The first was a movie called Matilda, where a super-intelligent little girl was sort of disregarded and rejected by deadbeat parents who were more stuck on themselves rather than taking an interest in raising a gifted daughter.  Along the same lines I also think of the movie Simon Birch, in which a dwarf kid is basically treated by his parents as nothing but in the end he sacrifices himself to save a busload of dying kids from a church camp.  My parents unfortunately shared a lot in common with both sets of parents from these movies, and as a result I never truly had a support grid to help me develop when I was younger and even to this day I still am a sort of "do-it-myself" individual who has made a lot of mistakes over the years while laboring under the mistaken notion that only I can do anything to help my own situation.  It was so bad that even when I graduated from college, all I had at my college graduation - after four years of hard work and earning a degree - was just my wife; neither of my parents cared to show up.  And, that still stings to this day.  I have come to the conclusion that I am the best of whatever my parents had, and I do better without them.  If you are in a similar situation - you may even be a kid or teenager in that situation - there are outlets you have to build your own support base.  Keep a journal for one thing - journaling is therapeutic in so many ways, and it helps sort out many things.  Also, don't be afraid of self-directed speech - it is OK to talk to yourself, especially when no one else listens!  Finally, there are going to be people who will see potential in you (teachers, neighbors, and on occasion even other more enlightened relatives) and they will act as mentors to you - value that, and always remember to appreciate them for it.  One further thing - develop interests.  One term that is bandied about these days that I have just read up on is something called multipotentiality, which means that you develop an interest in a variety of things,  I want to spend a little time talking about that now.

A multipotentialite is a person who will be a paradox to many around them.  These type of people are often rejected, wrongly labeled as being without direction, and even called "flighty."  In reality though, these type of people are the raw material of genius, and it is even more important that they develop an interest in different disciplines as an outlet of self-expression.  I am myself like that, in that I write, collect music, am a history buff, and of course my interest in religion, genealogy, etc.  I also draw, cook, hunt, fish, and do so many other things too.  Engaging in a variety of interests can be an important oasis in a disadvantageous situation, and as you engage in these activities, there is no need to involve disinterested parents, in-laws, or extended family in them; if they don't appreciate you anyway, screw them (yes, I am being blunt again, sorry!).  You are doing this for you, not for them - on occasion, people will be brought into your life who will see the potential, and maybe they are there for the purpose of helping you channel that potential into something more formal, and if so count it as a blessing.  In time though, you will mature to realize that you can't do it all, and perhaps you can focus on a strong area to cultivate into a potential career or passion, and as you excel in it you will also be flinging proverbial pies in the face of your detractors, and it will be them who will look stupid, not you.  And, so what if these individuals think it's a waste of time - again, screw them!  You are not doing it for their benefit, but for yours.  And, in the end it can bear some rich fruit, although it may take time to cultivate it.

There is a lot more that can be said, and again, I know I was a little blunt on some language - blunter than I usually am.  However, some things just need saying, and this is one of those cases.  So, what do we learn from all of this?  Here are a few things:

1.  Negative family and in-laws are deadwood, a total nuisance, and they will sap you of your passion if you let them - learn to stand up and say "No!" when the situation warrants it.

2.  Don't be afraid to be yourself, and don't let anyone try to coerce you into being something you are not.  Your personhood has as its most valuable asset its individuality, and no one can rob that.

3.  Don't be afraid to pursue your interests, no matter what anyone says - you are doing it for you, not for them.  If they don't like that, they know what they can do, right?

4.  For what you accomplish in life, you deserve better.  If you work hard for it, you should pursue and not settle for less.  If your deadbeat relatives and gossipy in-laws don't like that, well...they know what to do there too.

5. Finally, you are above the judgment, gossip, and badmouthing of ignorant relatives - if they don't appreciate you for who you are, and are always trying to find fault and make sport of you, they are not worth your trouble, so don't feel guilty about staying away from them.

These things are not meant to be a theological discourse, which is why I am not treating them as such and am instead focusing on it based upon personal experience and what I have learned of personalist philosophy.  People need to learn that they cannot treat others of us as jokes, their own personal doormats, and as less than what we are - no one has that right, and it does violence against one's personhood.  Therefore, it is OK to stand up for yourself - if for no other reason, it can empower others who have been on the receiving end of treatments like this too.  That being said, in coming months I hope to address and articulate other aspects of this whole subject, as in doing so it helps me too.  Take care until next visit.