Barbara and I were married on May 22, 1992 in the little First Assembly of God Church in downtown Graceville, FL. Our wedding was not overly spectacular, as we had only a few friends that came, and I actually catered the wedding myself. But, it was nice in its simplicity - we were entering into a sacramental covenant bond for life, and it was a bond that a deep love for each other made possible. The pastor who married us, Rev. John Broome, was a friend of ours for several years previous - I had been acquainted with him since I arrived in Graceville to start college at the old Florida Baptist Theological College there, and his church had a good group of folks who were members. Although our actual church at the time was a Foursquare congregation in nearby Dothan, AL, we chose Pastor Broome and his church because we actually felt closer there than we did in our actual congregation - we were not on the best of terms at that point with our own church, as there were some issues that made trust a problem, and therefore it was probably a wise decision to do this as we did. Also, Graceville was more special to us anyway, as that was where we met and had gotten to know each other. My old Appalachian "sense of place" therefore played a pivotal role in our choice of wedding venue too.
I want to now relate the story as to how Barb and I met, because it is actually quite interesting. I started school at FBTC in August of 1989, just a few months after graduating high school. At the time I was only 19 years of age, and it was an adjustment settling in a new state and new town after growing up the majority of my life in West Virginia. With good friends such as Steve Viera, a resident of Bermuda who sort of took me under his wing when I got to campus and "showed me the ropes," I was able to make the adjustment much easier. My first semester at FBTC was relatively uneventful, as it entailed me getting used to college life, especially living in the dorms. I was also a shy kid with an unusually high-pitched voice, and although I sort of wanted to find a girlfriend, it was not something that I expected to happen. However, some of my new classmates invited me out for bowling and pizza one weekend, and I sort of was able to go on my first double-date with a sweet local girl who had started school there by the name of Rachel King, and that ended up being fun. It was good to be part of a group of people my own age for probably the first time in my life to that point, and I enjoyed it. Rachel lived across the street in the girls' dorms, which were apartment-like dwellings that later became housing for married students, and she shared one of those with two other girls. After getting some semblance of a social life, my semester that year began to take shape, and after Christmas break and the start of the Spring semester in January 1990, I was confident enough to actually one evening rouse the courage to ask Rachel on a real date, so I went to her dorm and knocked on the door. At that point, God had other plans, and that was when a new direction started.
When I knocked on the door - these apartments each had their own front door, and although guys couldn't go inside, we were allowed to have conversations with the ladies standing outside - one of Rachel's roommates answered, and it was an older girl who had been in school there for a few years at that time whose name was Barbara Webster. When Barb came to the door, she was eating the stinkiest can of sardines, and also I believe had just washed her hair and had it bound up in a towel drying. Although she told me Rachel was not home, for some reason we got to talking, and the conversation was so nice that we began talking more and more. Within a short time, we became good friends. Barbara was originally from a small town called Oregon, WI, but when she was very young her dad, who she really thought a lot of and who impacted her life significantly, died in a tragic motorcycle accident. When she was in her early teens, one of her sisters led her to accept Christ and she became a committed Christian after previously having a somewhat rebellious life brought on by the sudden loss of her father, and part of that involved even some dabbling in occultic practices. She had also been involved with some rather unsavory relationships with other guys - one was a petty thief who ended up essentially being a bisexual occultist himself, and the other one was a "wolf in sheep's clothing" who was actually on the campus in Graceville and was trying to manipulate young vulnerable female students to follow him in what was essentially a rudimentary sex cult - and that left her somewhat scarred. By the time we had met, Barbara had sworn off dating guys and had essentially decided to focus on the reason she was there. That didn't mean, however, that some of the more assertive male students didn't try! When one of those approached her at some point, she flatly told him she was "celebate" in order to repel his advances - it worked somewhat, but then what she told him was embellished into a story that she was becoming a nun (which is odd, because Barbara was part of a Baptist church then!) as well as some other crazy stuff. If you are not familiar with Bible college campuses, not all of them are "heaven on earth" and they are definitely not always filled with pious kids who just "love Jesus" and blissfully have a cloistered community. On the contrary, in those days gossip and wacky theories were popular fare on that campus, and a lot of things got said or done which, well, would not have endeared some of the students to local churchgoers had they known. Any rate, at this point in time, Barbara was sworn off dating, but luckily she was not opposed to having a good friend of the opposite sex to hang out with, and that is what we became - good friends.
To be honest, I was not really all that interested in Barbara romantically at that point either - I was a new student, and had recently gotten heavily involved in my new Foursquare church and that pretty much permeated most of my life. I thought a lot of Barbara as a friend, but that was it. It went on pretty much that way until around December of 1990, when we were actually sitting in a small diner after church one night in Dothan, AL, having a late-night snack with one of our church folks (by this time, Barbara had started coming to our Foursquare church too, and had joined us) by the name of Patti Thomas (now Metcalf). In those days, many of us were highly involved in our Pentecostal life, and we also believed in exercising our spiritual gifts we believed we had any chance we felt the Holy Spirit moving us to do so. That night, Patti felt a stirring in her spirit about something, and she essentially said to us that God was going to reveal to me who my life-mate was going to be. By this time, it was no secret that Barbara and I were really close, and speculation among church members was that we somehow were brought together by God Himself (on that they were right) and were supposed to be married. However, I was not exactly sure at this point, and God more or less used Patti to reveal that to me. When Patti told us that, I asked Barbara if I could talk to Patti for a second, so Barbara went to the restroom. So, I outright asked Patti, "Is it Barbara?" With a confident smile and a nod of her head, she gave me the answer.
The feeling I had after that revelation hit me is still with me to this day - I was so overwhelmed at that point I just didn't know what to say. I was thinking, "I have a girlfriend!" That night, I was so keyed up that I didn't even get any sleep, as so much was going through my mind then and the emotions were so indescribable that to this day I cannot really explain what I was feeling - the best I could say was that it was a combination of joy, fear, uncertainty, excitement, and even a little relief. But, that moment redefined our relationship in a major way. As it was almost Christmas break, lucky for me I had some time to actually absorb it all when I flew home that Christmas to West Virginia - I told Mom, but as usual, no response except a couple of stupid, inappropriate comments from her alcohol-induced frame of mind. But, I honestly didn't care - I had a girlfriend now, me being the little geeky kid with the high-pitched voice from small-town West Virginia! That was a time I will always remember too.
After Christmas break, I went back to school for the following semester, and Barbara and I began our dating relationship in earnest. It would be at least a couple of months before we even had our first kiss, and that was nice but awkward for me. It was made more challenging though because Barbara was compelled to move to Dothan during that Christmas break because she was on the verge of losing her house in Graceville that year. She first lived with Patti at her house in Pinkard, AL, and later moved in with Karen Strickland, our pastor's daughter, who had a husband and six kids at that point. In living with Karen, Barbara had to work a night job at a local convenience store chain called Hobo Pantry, and she also was made de-facto babysitter to Karen's kids, which actually created challenges when we saw each other once a week for church. Eventually, over the summer of 1991, when I made my last trip to West Virginia as a single man to spend the summer at Mom's in Terra Alta, she was able to get her own place on Lena Street in downtown Dothan, and while it was not a glamorous place by any means, it was hers and it gave us time to really develop our own relationship. But it was not without its challenges, as 1991 was a tough year for both of us - I was talked into moving to California to attend LIFE Bible College, as our pastor then thought the Baptist college where I was didn't meet his standards, and on December 31st, 1991, I was on a Greyhound bus headed for Los Angeles.
Prior to leaving for LA that December, Barbara and I had some time to spend together, and it was a nice thing for both of us - we became very close during that couple of weeks, and when I boarded that bus on December 31st in Ocala, FL, bound for Los Angeles, it was tough!! To make a long story short, LA didn't work out - I was only out there just over a month, and it was obviously a mistake going, so the church sent me a bus ticket and I headed back to Dothan. Barbara and I had gotten formally engaged just prior to my going out to LA, and we now were talking wedding plans. After returning to Dothan and getting my life back in order, I was able to enter a program called JTPA which paid me to train as a chef, and that gave me a steady income for a while so we could start planning our wedding. We finally set a date - May 22, 1992 - and started to get things prepared. Most of it fell into place with no problem, but what really bugged us both was the lack of support we got from our families, which is what I want to talk about now.
Our marriage faced a lot of obstacles, mostly from our family. My in-laws were giving us a lot of flak, as many of them had never met me but had made it up in their mind to hate me despite not even knowing what I looked like yet. My own family was very apathetic - Dad didn't care to come, Mom was not coming because she thought Dad might be there, and we didn't even get wedding gifts from any of them I recall. That lack of support from our families has always been a bit of an issue for me, and although I have tried to rise above that, it still even bothers me to this day because both Barbara and I deserved better than the treatment we got. Over the coming months, my in-laws in particular were doom-talking us, saying we wouldn't last, that we were young and stupid, and of course they hated me. But, the wedding happened, and 25 years later as of today, we are still happily married and our love for each other has grown. I say to certain ones of my in-laws that opposed us and gave us grief over the years - get bent. God's plan is above my in-laws' likes and dislikes, and also above my own family's lack of interest, and we have found that we didn't need them in our lives to be happy honestly - actually, we were happier when they were out of our lives. Of course there were exceptions to this - for instance, Barbara's two older sisters, Tara and Sue - both of them have been amazing, and although initial "bumps" happened with them, over the years they got to know me, I got to know them, and those two are practically like sisters to me and I love them dearly. Also, Barbara's mother has really been a great blessing to us as well - she had her issues at first too, but today we get an anniversary card every year from her, and that means a lot (she also remembers my birthday too like clockwork, and that brightens my day as well now). The rest of the apathetic and opposition, they don't matter to us. What matters is that we are committed to each other, and what God brought together no man can tear asunder, no matter how hard they try.
As for Barb, she is a precious and very integral part of my own life now, and after 25 years of marriage it would be inconceivable to not have her part of my life. She is not only just part of my life, but she is part of me now, a very important part of me. The love and appreciation I have for her grows greater with every passing day, and although I don't always feel it there, it is there; Barb is my soulmate, my best friend, and she will be so until they stick my dead carcass in the ground. There are many important life lessons I have learned after 25 years of marriage, and I want to share a couple of them now in conclusion.
There are two real factors that have made our marriage work for 25 years. The first is that God Himself ordered the events that brought us together in the first place - who would have thought that a Polish girl from Wisconsin and a shy West Virginia boy would ever meet up in a small college in a rural Florida town? Only God could make that happen. Although it has had its challenges, our marriage has worked because we have kept God at its center - marriage is not just a piece of paper, and it is not even about a man and a woman just loving each other, but it is a sacramental union that is made possible only by ordination by God Himself. It is important to understand that even non-Christian marriages can be long and happy, but ultimately somewhere and at some point God has to be acknowledged as being the source of that happiness. Understanding that will make your spouse be seen in a new light - a precious gift God gave specifically to you. And, as a precious gift, it is to be cherished, loved, and protected with one's life.
The second factor that has made our marriage work goes back to how we met. Barbara and I were actually close friends at least 18 months before we even started dating, and initially we never had romantic intentions toward each other but did see something in each other that drew us together. Even after we started dating, it was almost a year before we even got engaged, so we took it slow and steady. Many people who know us - especially those who have caused us the most issues - don't understand that part of the story. The way we built our relationship was as best friends, and to this day Barb and are still each other's best friends - we can tell each other anything, and we know we are there for each other if we need the other one. Friendship also builds the basis of trust in a future marriage, as you have a foundation to work from, and it makes the eros that comes with the matrimonial bond more meaningful. Too many people see breasts, asses, or other body parts and never get to know a person outside external looks, and then when those breasts sag, or the butts and other parts wrinkle or deflate, there is nothing left except externals. When you are friends first, and truly learn to love each other, the outside doesn't matter as much - it can be enhancing, but externals fade. It is the spirit and soul that truly matter, and being able to be friends as well as lovers is what makes a marriage strong. Also, others base their love on material wealth - that is futile as well. Some of the best and richest marriages consist of couples who have very little in terms of material wealth, yet they have a strong love for each other because they see each other as human beings and not as a bank book. Wealth can also fade like looks, and in the greater picture of things wealth is irrelevant. Therefore, to younger couples I would advise getting your minds off each other's butts and bucks, and instead get to know each other as persons. Barb and I were blessed with being able to do that, and it has meant a great deal to both of us that we accept and love each other for who we are instead of what others expect, or how much money we make, or how tight one's butt or perky one's breasts are. Therefore the secret to a great marriage is loving each other as God created them to be, not trying to conform one's spouse into one's own image.
The other aspect of our marriage as well is faithfulness. Do we both think about "what if's" at times? We do, but here is what happens in my case - often if a thought comes across my own mind about "what if I had married so-and-so years ago?" it is quickly dissipated by a couple of things. First, what of this other person? Could they truly have been happy with you, or could you have been happy with them? Then, as you think more about it, you begin to realize things, and although hard to explain you start to understand that the alternative scenario of being hitched to someone else would not have worked for whatever reasons. Thinking that, I myself begin to think then about how great Barb actually is, and how blessed I am to be married to her, and I then say to myself, "I already have the best, so why speculate?" About marital fidelity, one of the best pieces of advice I got years ago was from an elderly Assemblies of God minister who told us a couple of months after we married the following gem of wisdom - "If you ever even think about cheating, just remember that all donuts have the same hole!" To the point, pithy, but actually good advice! That has stuck with me since too.
I guess now I want to say that Barbara is my best friend, my soulmate, and we are going to be together for as long as God allows breath to expel from our lungs, and my love for her has grown beyond emotion and "tingly feelings" - it is an integral part of who I am now, and in many ways we bring out the best in each other. I am looking forward to another great 25 years with that best friend, soulmate, and spouse I have, and may she always know she has my unwavering love and she is the greatest part of my own life now. I wonder what I will write here when we get to our 50th? My guess is that it is going to be pretty much the same sentiments, but probably richer as we will definitely grow in love for each other more. So, Happy Anniversary baby, and I hope to have many more blessed years with you.
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